Soul Runnings

I am having a good day.  In spite of the weather.  I woke up to bitter cold, pouring rain. It was like we transitioned from summer to winter overnight! But I am an expert at commuting in inclement weather. I layered, put on my rubber boots, packed my church shoes and covered my book bag in a plastic garbage bag.  I felt quite accomplished as I headed out into the dreary morning.  I arrived at the bus stop about 7:00 a.m. I had a 9 minute wait for my first bus.  I noticed that my spirits were high. That is generally the case when the weather is poor.  I figured out years ago that I like to be above the weather.  When the skies are blue and the temperature is mild, I am not always experiencing a sunny disposition.  I enjoy a rainy day.  As I waited for the bus, I noticed a young man shivering. He had dirty clothes and tattered sneakers. He was carrying a large garbage bag.  He was moaning and complaining about the cold to anyone within...

I am feeling rather balanced today. I have the feeling that I am tipping precariously lower at times. But then I use one of my positive thinking affirmations and I feel myself balance right out! I've included breathing. With each affirmation, I breathe in deeply.  It helps. I often start the day with Qi Gong breathing exercises right before my hooping, but then I tend to forget about breathing the rest of the day. I took myself out for lunch today. After watching my granddaughter this morning, I actually have the rest of the day off. Next week is the beginning of fall term. My life will get much busier. I often seem to do better emotionally when I am busy. Especially if my health is good and I am well rested. At lunch, I pulled out my Kindle and read my affirmation of the day.  Which is from the book A Year of Positive Thinking: Daily Inspiration, Wisdom, and Courage  by Cyndie Spiegel.  Today's affirmation had to do with letting go, not trying to control eve...

This is my positive thought for the week: “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.” ~Lao Tzu Today I am feeling more balanced.  I am feeling a pull to sink, but every time a negative thought enters my mind, I counter it with my positive thought for the week (above).  I have heard this quote before, but as I told my daughter, it is not enough to hear ideas once.  A profound idea needs to be heard, memorized, meditated on and then taken to a deeper level. I am a fan of depth. I need to add something to the above quote: “Watch your thoughts, (you do not need to follow your thoughts) they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; wa...

After my little epiphany/rant/break down (or whatever you want to call it) yesterday afternoon, my mood improved exponentially! In fact, I feel like I trigger a manic event.  After talking to my therapist, I told myself that I was just feeling good, feeling empowered, feeling like "kicking butt and taking names", as my ex-husband so eloquently phrased it.  He also used to tell me I was addicted to feeling bad about myself when I bragged about not being controlled by addictions. I kept a watchful eye on my mood. Especially since I had a staff meeting last night.  It actually served me well. I am not fond of meetings. Of any kind.  I get irritable and restless, thinking about all the things I could be doing rather than listen to people ramble on and on and on... I'm sure some of you have experienced the dreaded  meeting. In years past, at the music center where I teach piano, we would have one staff meeting a year. Right before the beginning of the school ...

I am fed up! I've had it up to HERE with negativity. I am fed up! Fed up with feeling sorry for myself and wasting my life! If I could, I would fire my pathetic self and hire a new me! A tougher, stronger, more resilient, more positive me! One that says "Bite me!" to depression, fear and anxiety. The me who us going to choose lifting weights, running, hard work and discipline over meds. The me who going to stop taking herself so dang seriously and have a beer and a good laugh once in awhile! Obviously something clicked today.  After my counseling appointment. I wasn't expressing myself well to my therapist.  I felt like I was almost trying to convince him I was mentally ill. He wasn't convinced. I finally asked him if he thought I should take meds. I told me no. Honestly, I think I should have traded chairs with him today. He seemed like he was having a difficult day.  Patients lined up back to back, with hardly a break.  His patient before me seemed...

Today is a very good day.  My daughter looked at me from the kitchen as she was making her coffee.  I was laughing.  She cocked one eyebrow up and me. "I'm having a good day", I explained. "I'm probably about a 7". "You're an 8!", she said knowingly. We've been tracking my moods again. She told me she is generally about a 5 in the morning before coffee. Afterwards, a 6 or 7.  She rarely changes. Me?  I was about up high on the mountain Saturday. About a 9.  Yesterday, I was on the edge of the abyss. About a 2. But I fought really hard. Because I didn't want to dampen the spirits of anyone at my grand niece's party.  By the end of the party, I was about a 5.  Being around family is something I avoid when I'm low. But their presence usually brings me back up. Whether they know I am low or not. It usually is best not to say anything. Except for my daughter. She knows.  She can tell my number just looking at my face! Ble...

I made up a little song I used to sing to my granddaughter when she was a wee baby.  "Up so high, down so low, out so wide. Give yourself a hug like a ladybug!" I would stretch her little arms up, down, out and then hug her when I said ladybug. It made her squeal with delight. That song came back to me today. As I am trying to pull myself up from the abyss. I was up so high yesterday.  It is only logical that I would crash.  I am not going to even attempt to figure out why. Dwelling on it makes it worse. Plus, I have another family gathering to go to this afternoon. My great niece's 1st birthday! She is an adorable little girl. Just started to walk. And most pleased with herself Actually typing about her is bringing a smile to my face. Being less self involved may be the best treatment for my depression yet! And oddly enough, immersing myself in the novel I am currently reading ( The Plague  by Albert Camus!) helps immensely! I will have to tell you more t...