Hello Friends:
It has been way too long! I have thought of blogging many times, but either I did not have the energy, or felt I had nothing to say.
Or worse still, I felt I had too many toxic, negative thoughts. I did not want to unleash them on the world. Or burden you with them, my dear reader.
Thankfully, at last, the dark cloud has begun to lift.
It has been about six weeks since I last let you inside my head. So much has happened since then. And as usual, when I retreat into my turtle shell, it takes some clawing, panting and moaning to pull myself up to the surface.
To breathe.
Air is a good thing. If there is one thing I am keeping constant in my life these days, it's my breathing exercises. Nothing complicated. We all breathe, right? I breathe slowly in through my nose, hold it for a few seconds, and then exhale slowly. It never ceases to bring me calm. Even if it is temporary.
Qi Gong is still very much part of my life. I fashion my breathing exercises from some of the Qi Gong exercises I have learned. I have not progressed much in this discipline, but I am proud to say that it is a constant good habit in my life.
I need more of these. Good habits.
Speaking of good habits, I am still hooping. Nearly every day. I took a break from hooping, and most of everything at the beginning of January. I may have contracted the dreaded covid-19 virus. I had a temp for a few days and body aches and fatigue that are just now dissipating. My doctor told me to quarantine and monitor my symptoms. After 10 days if I was improved, I could go on with my life. I never developed respiratory symptoms. This strikes me as odd. I mean, if you look back through my blog, I spoke endlessly about my cough. The cough that would not go away. Ever. This was long before covid-19. And my sense of smell has still not returned.
After many years of steroids and antibiotics, I finally have my cough under control. Thanks to my wonderful new doctor. He renewed my Advair inhalor and gave me a prescription for an antihistamine developed just for asthmatics. It's called Singulair. My new doctor is also asthmatic and he swears by these two medications.
I probably should swear by them too. My asthma feels like it is under control at last. However, when I went in for my new patient visit, my doctor found abnormal levels in my blood test. He says it may indicate kidney disease. So he ordered a kidney ultrasound.
Have you ever had one of those? I was told to drink 32 ounces of water right before the scan and hold it. I felt like I was going to burst. Oh, and did I mention they decided to kill two birds with one stone and have me get a mammogram the same day?
Yup. There I was. Full, painful bladder. Getting a mammogram. But let me tell you, since it was many moons since my last mammogram, I was pleasantly distracted by the high tech equipment. It was painless and that mammogram machine was like something straight out of Star Wars. The tech was super friendly and explained everything to me as she went along.
I told her I had a kidney ultrasound immediately afterwards. As she seated me back in the waiting room, she told me to imagine a "dry desert". Lol. It helped!
I also enjoyed seeing my kidneys on the screen. It reminded me of baby ultrasounds!
I'll admit right here that I am a tad worried about the whole kidney disease thing. I did a bit of research and it turns out my bad eating habits could all be contributing factors. Excess salt, diet coke, pickled foods....sigh. I also wonder about all the OTC meds I've taken over the years for headaches and allergies.
I still have research to do. My ultrasound came back abnormal, so I am being referred to a nephrologist.
Aside from my kidneys, I am pretty healthy. Except for the fatigue, body aches and depression, and the toxic brain. To tell you the truth, the fatigue, body aches and depression I've been fighting for the past month have been annoying. But I also celebrated my 59th birthday this month. I realize with advancing age, a big of body aches can be expected. But not necessarily embraced!
But here's the thing: What has made me retreat into my turtle shell has been my negative, toxic brain.
I mean, I can stretch, soak in a bath, take a hot shower, drink tea and pop a few Tylenols for my physical complaints. But what do you do with a toxic brain?
Now that I am pretty much on the other side of this, I can tell you that it was very difficult not to let myself sink into the dark abyss. But thankfully I have amassed an arsenal of tools and good habits that I clung to like a sinking ship.
Blogging about my personal improvement over the past nearly five years has been highly useful. As I battled the darkness, I remember to keep up my routine, even if I was barely moving. I did some type of exercise - hooping, walking, stretching and breathing exercises - most days. I spoke with my counselor who agreed I have a lot going on right now. He suggested "mapping" my life. So I drew a picture of me in the center with all my issues surrounding me. It really did help to visualize it.
I don't want you to think my life is all darkness, pain and suffering. Every day I have good moments. And now that the dark cloud has lifted, I can see how blessed I am.
Did I mentioned I am going to be a grandma ("Zma" to my family) again? Times two! My daughter is pregnant with twins! Two more girls! My granddaughter is so excited about her baby sisters. She keeps telling me how she is going to take care of "her babies" like a big girl!
I am still teaching piano online. This part of my life seems unaffected by my emotions. I love teaching. I am teaching several group classes now; one class has 13 kids! And I absolutely love it. It energizes me. It also lifts my spirits to share my love of music with theses kids, especially since many of them have told me that online school sucks and they miss their friends.
I guess that old black cloud is hovering over quite a few others these days.
Oh, and I still have a romantic partner! It's been nearly 8 months now. Believe me, now that the cloud is lifting, I really appreciate this man. After all, not many people get the honor of seeing my crazy up close! Not only has he seen it, but he does not appear to be afraid. Bless him.
And the icing on the cake? My son is back home with his son and his fiance!
As for my eating, I am still struggling. I have lost a total of 65 pounds since I first started working on my weight over 5 years ago. I would like to lose a bit more. I have eased up on all the extreme eating methods. I am focussing on smaller portions, adding fruits and veggies, and decreasing processed foods. I am still usually not eating after 6 p.m. Sometimes I stop at 4. But I think my food rules were backfiring on me. I'm trying to eat more mindfully. (Frankly, doing everything more mindfully). Basically, I try to eat small, healthy meals and stop eating before I get too full.
One thing I keep telling myself I need more of is music. For myself. I need to play the piano more. My boyfriend enjoys when I sit down and play. So that is my focus for the week. More music.
On that note, I wish you a wonderful Sunday. I am going to try and get back to daily blogging. Not sure if anyone missed me, but I missed writing. It is cathartic to get it out.
As I always say, "Better out than in!"
Happy Sunday!
Talk soon.
Love,
Zita
PS Here is my latest hooping video:
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