Year Four, Day 83: Toxic Ball of Poison

 My daughter gave me an ultimatum yesterday.

Shape up or move out!

We were talking about our living situation.  And if we should continue cohabitating.

I desire my own space, but I love being able to see my granddaughter every day. I fear that if I move, she will not have memories of her Zma.  I know how life can get. These last 16 months have been so precious.  My granddaughter can make me smile on the darkest days.

But living with others is difficult for me. I tried to explain it to my daughter.

I told her I am unique.

I am:

1.  A musician. I require time to practice the piano.
2. An introvert. I require time to recharge my battery, alone.
3. I am not at my healthiest, so I need even more time alone to rest and hopefully find balance.

 She wasn't buying it. She's known me her whole 28 years of life.  She says that I have one very good, balanced day a month. The rest of the time, I am either overly sensitive or a "toxic ball of poison".

Geez.  Adult children.  They don't mince words, do they?

I've done counseling, read upteen self help books, have been blogging for 4 years. I pray. I go to church.

I was eating healthy.

I was exercising regularly.

I think for my sanity and for the sanity of my daughter, I should get back on the health train.

We also devised a system. I was going to rate my mood on a scale of 1 - 10, 1 being perfectly balanced, 10 being, as my daughter so aptly put it "a toxic ball of poison". Arrgg.

But she recommended just three levels.

1. Balanced days. (Hopefully more than 1 a month!)
2. Teeter-tottering (overly sensitive days - beware!)
3. Toxic ball of poison days (stay away!)


 Below are the graphics I will text her on my phone to alert her to my emotional state:

Balanced

Teeter Totter (Overly Sensitive...Beware)

Toxic Ball of Poison (Stay away!)

Perhaps I will use these graphics for my blog. I would also like to get back to daily blogging.

I really have sunk low.  Saving my son took a lot of energy. But I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't give it my all!

But I do not want to be a toxic ball of poison to my family.

So, back to working on me.

I am going to focus on:

1. Daily Blogging: This tends to keep me on track an accountable.
2. Daily Exercise: This keeps me sane and my moods more balanced.
3. Healthier Eating: This will keep me alive longer!
4. Daily Mood Tracking:  This will keep my daughter happy. :)  Just kidding. I have suspected that I have some mood disorder all my life. I've done counseling and meds. The only thing that has really helped is prayer and exercise.  And work. I do well when I am working or being otherwise productive.

So, I hope to be talking to you more often.  And I hope to stay out of the toxic ball of poison state!


Happy Saturday!

Talk tomorrow

Love,

Zita

p.s. Today was level 2. "Teeter Totter". I had moments of peace. Like early this morning downtown, waiting for the bus.  My heart had begun to race, thinking about everything I had to do. Then I just stopped and took a deep breath.  Said a quick prayer. And peace descended!