Year Four, Day 247: What Happened in Vegas...

 

Expectations can be brutal. Especially when reality dashes them against the rocky shores of our souls.

How's that for an opening line?

I was so excited about my recent trip to Las Vegas.  I haven't travelled anywhere in so long. I do believe I have been bit by the travel bug.  I want the freedom to go places I have never been, see things I have never seen and experience life as a stellar adventure! My kids are young adults with families of their own.  I have my role as Zma, as Teacher Zita. But I am on a quest to find Zita.

She's hidden someone deep inside. Covered in layers. Like an onion.

I like the onion analogy. Notice the outermost layer of an onion - dry  and papery. As you peel off layers, the inside is juicy and sweet.

I have paid my dues of sacrifice, shame and self deprivation.  What I want now is to embrace the life I have remaining.

Have you seen the life pie chart?

I don't know where I read this, but it stuck with me.  Draw a circle.  And then divide it into 8 slices, like a pie. Or a pizza. Each slice represents 10 years of your life.  Assume that you will live to about 80 years old.  Shade in the slices that you have already passed.  The remaining slices are what you have left.  Possibly.  Of course no one really knows when their time is up.  Right?

But it is sobering.  You can feel depressed or you can be inspired to take that slice of pie and make the most of it!

Here's mine: 

This is a very rough, non computerized graphic. Basically, the green slices are the years I've lived. The pink slices are what is remaining. I put my year of demise as 79.  I hope to live a bit longer than that. But if it's in the vicinity, I have lived roughly 3/4 of my life.  

There have been ups and downs and in betweens, but looking at the pink, I realize there is not that much time left to experience love, fulfillment and peace.  To be in the moment. To be grateful. To discover. To contribute to the lives of others.

I do not wish to spend anymore time feeling ashamed, feeling sorry for myself, being angry, depressed, anxious and afraid.

And I do not want to waste this precious time on anything that doesn't bring me true joy. But this post is about Vegas.  So here goes...

Vegas was an adventure: 

• I prepared quite a bit. (OK. I overprepared.)
• I lost 6 pounds
• I bought new clothes,
• I colored my hair.
•  I worried a bit. (O.K. I worried a lot.) 

The day of my flight I was in a very good place emotionally. It reminded me of a piano performance. For me, the nerves would be leading up to the concert.  Disciplining myself to prepare properly, and not "cram" at the last minute.  The moments during the actual performance were like surfing.  Riding that glorious musical wave in the present.  My nerves would disappear during a performance when I was in my zone. I would feel like the music and I were one.

On my way to the airport, I had similar Zen like feelings.

I was quite nervous about my boarding pass, my ID, which was old with a change of address sticker peeled off. I was nervous about TSA and the bottle of massage oil in my bag (It was confiscated for being over the weight limit.)

Finally I was onboard.  I had a window seat.  I felt thrilled to be leaving my routine, predicable life behind me. Yet as we taxied down the runway, I had a queasy feeling in my stomach. And as the plane lifted off the ground into the sky, I shed a tear or two.  

I immediately had images of my family: My grandchildren, my children, my parents, my brother, my nieces and nephews, my students, even my humble little basement dwelling.  

I was so looking forward to escaping, to traveling, to adventure, and to spending time with my boyfriend. But suddenly I was filled with gratitude for my life. And for the people in it. Even the ones that annoyed me.

I said a pray of thanks and I prayed for all my loved ones. Then I settled back in my seat and enjoyed the ride.

My trip overall was enjoyable.  But the things that stand out in my mind were not the casinos and lights as much as the new friends I made, including a funny little emaciated bird, time with my boyfriend, (which was bittersweet), and discovering Game of Thrones which I binge watched 9 episodes!

On the downside, I drank too much, let my emotions take over, and said some things I should have kept inside.  I did discover that gambling no longer holds any appeal for me. Thankfully the machine that sucked $40 out of me was in the first few minutes of my casino visit.  As I looked around, most of the faces did not look happy. In fact, most looked devoid of emotion.  Like the machines they were playing. 

The heat was intense.  One day it reached 115 during the day, only to cool off to about 90 at night.  Being indoors, there was A/C, but I decided on a walk the second day.  It was a dry heat. It felt like a sauna. When I returned I was drenched. 

I ended up losing a whole pant size in Vegas!

And I lost a little bit of my heart too.  

I hope it didn't stay in Vegas. Time will tell. But I know I have a lot of love inside this little body. And I have a huge desire to see more of the world before my pie is completely consumed.

That is all I can share at this moment.  

I wish you all much love and peace.

Zita

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