Good Morning Friends! :)
I am loving these beautiful fall days! Monday morning I woke up super early for breakfast with my mom. I walked through the park to the bus stop in pitch black. The air was fresh and clean, with a crisp, cool feeling. I wore a jacket. I carried my batlight. Even though fall is in the air, it was. supposed to warm up to the mid-80's later.
I even got my early morning hoop session in! I apologize for the darkness, but it was 6 a.m. after all. I am just impressed that I was not only vertical, but moving!
I have more energy today than I expected I would. Especially after my evening two nights ago. It started with what I like to call "pop-up" memories. I was in between students, and then boom! Out of the blue, memories assaulted me. Just popping up in my head without warning.
It was like watching a horror movie. All of my negative memories, especially of my coming of age victim moments.
It was like watching a horror movie. All of my negative memories, especially of my coming of age victim moments.
Times like these I need a pop-up blocker. But I just sat, paralyzed and watched the horror film inside my head.
Then I took a few deep breaths and stretched. I said a quick "help me!" prayer and got to work teaching piano students. Immersing myself in my work helps.
But the next day I had another incident. This time it wasn't a pop-up. It was cabin fever combined with intense fear of abandonment. I will spare you the details, but luckily I knew myself enough to know that I needed a walk. Even though it was late and dark. Not the safest course of action, I admit. But my boyfriend talked me down and calmed me as I sat in the park, in the dark, staring up at a clear, starlit sky. Even though it was 2 hours later where he was, he stayed with me on the phone until my darkness passed.
As I started breathing normally, I sensed another presence. Sitting off to the right of me was my guardian angel cat.
Have I mentioned him? Pre-pandemic, I would have to walk home late at night from the bus stop. I chose to go through the park. To avoid the park, would be about a 1/2 mile detour. So I would walk quickly, with a purpose, and wielding my batlight. Nearly every time, I would be greeted by a large, orange cat at the entry to the park. He would come up to me as if we were old friends, weaving in and out of legs, purring. I would pat his head. And then he would walk me home through the park, which has some scary characters lurking at night.
My friend would usually leave me at the street that separated the park from my apartment complex.
That night, he sat like a sentinel, standing guard until I was ready to walk home. It was tremendously comforting. I felt like he was my guardian angel.
My guardian angel kitty
Yesterday, I had a nice session with my counselor. We talked about my pop-up negative memories from my past and how to distance myself emotionally. I mentioned that usually the emotion would come first. I would have a negative feeling, that would come up and then a memory that was attached to that emotion. And I would be wooshed back in time, feeling those same emotions as the memory popped up. Kind of like being "beamed up" in Star Trek.
But instead of being beamed up into the transporter, I descend down.
Like an elevator descending into hell.
Sorry, that was a pretty gruesome analogy.
Anyway, I worked through it. With the help of my boyfriend, my guardian angel kitty, my frantic prayers to God, my counselor and my own internal strength.
I feel like I am finally ready to confront the demons from my past. I am stronger than ever. I have survived a lot, but I am a different person. Better I hope. And what I realized during counseling yesterday, is some of the old messages that run through my head, especially during "pop-up" times are from a younger, more fearful, very immature me.
I need to reprogram those messages. My counselor and I talked about how I need to observe my emotions and practice staying in control. He reminded me of practicing often, just as I encourage my piano students to practice daily.
Maybe instead of a guardian kitty I need a guardian angel lion! And maybe that lion is me!
Hear me roar!
But seriously, I am studying panic attacks and how to overcome. I discovered quite by accident, years ago, as a young, stressed out single mom with unhappy kids in the car on the freeway, the breath is vital. I remember my heart racing, kids whining and bumper to bumper traffic. And of course, I was running late.
I felt ready to explode. Then I noticed the sky. Mostly overcast, but there was the most remarkable patch of turquoise with rays of sun accented it. I told myself, "I want to just inhale that color".
And so I did. I breathed in the patch of sky. I felt calmness permeate my whole body.
I am typing this now as a reminder that I do have coping mechanisms in my arsenal. I have had them all along. I just need to believe in my strength.
And perhaps this will help someone else too!
Also, here is a good, albeit basic article I discovered on the Mayoclinic site. One of their recommendations is physical activity. Yay! I'm on that!
On that note, I wish you all happy, peaceful days. Without any negative pop-ups!
It is a lovely fall day here in Vancouver, Washington. I am looking forward to my lunchtime walk!
Talk to you tomorrow!
Love,
Zita
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