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Year Four, Day 248: Wildfires: Who Loves Zma?


Last night the sun was blood red through a smoke filled sky.  

This morning, the harsh, hot winds that prevailed over the last few days had subsided.  But the skies were eerily dark - a charcoal gray. 

As I opened the front door and peered out, I didn't smell any smoke. But pulled my mask up over my face, just in case.  I don't trust my nose. I have essentially been without a sense of smell for over two years now. Sometimes, scents creep through. But this morning I did not detect a thing.  I decided to walk  through the park, on my way to breakfast with my mom.  I love to walk. Especially early in the morning.  

However, I felt quite ill after I got home. Thankfully my daughter was working at home, and did not need me to watch my granddaughter. My head hurt, my eyes and throat burned. And I felt dizzy. I downed a huge glass of ice water and crawled into bed.  

My daughter told me to check the news. Apparently we are in for worse conditions tomorrow. A wall of smoke from the coastal wildfires will be blowing inland. Here is an excellent article by the Washington Smoke Blog with tips on protecting your health from smoke inhalation:

https://wasmoke.blogspot.com/?fbclid=IwAR0Ob50SqgDXB5NmoZyLairyQAE_zuCbsFUdWY99IFKsAr5T6_idYEK56Iw

At least, here in Vancouver, Washington we are not on evacuation watch. Some of my friends in Oregon were not so lucky. My heart breaks when I read their stories on Facebook. Stories of barely making it out, as they watch their homes go up in flames.

I have been spending a lot of time with my granddaughter. More time than usual. Her mom and dad are trying to secure the place from smoke. Yesterday, she was having a bad day. Kids can pick up stressful energy from adults. We have all been a little tense lately. 

We were in her room when she had a bit of a melt down. She sat on the floor howling when we couldn't find a favorite toy.  I scooped her up and held her on my lap on the rocking chair. 

I began rocking and singing.  I think it comforted both of us.  These are trying times for everyone.  Times like these we need to come together and help and comfort each other. But as usual, there is division. There has been rumors that some of the wildfires are the result of arson. And for those who lost their homes, this would be very painful to hear.  I imagine tempers will flare.

I kept rocking my granddaughter and thought of all my friends and family. I prayed for their safety. I prayed for the firefighters.  My thudding heart slowed.  My granddaughter looked up at me with her tear stained face. I told her I loved her.  She sniffled.

Then I told her many people loved her. We started naming them all. And then I told her most of all, God loved her. She is His precious child.  She liked that. She wanted to run through the list again.  Then we made a list of everyone she loved.  Including Honey Dog.

Then she looked up with wide eyes and asked, "Who does Zma love?"

I told her I loved her, and went through my list.  It warmed my heart to think of all those I loved as I gently rocked my sweet granddaughter, her hair in ringlets, drenched in sweat, her little face shining with tears.  

Then she looked up at me again and asked, "Who loves Zma?" I paused. My heart ached a bit.  I went through my list, beginning with her. But it was short and painful. Many of the people I named, I wondered if I was worthy. Did they really love me?

And at what point in my life did I deem myself unlovable? I hear there are others of my generation that weren't showered with hugs and kisses and "I love you's" in our tender youth.  

I vowed to change that with my own kids.  Sometimes I worried I said it too much. But to hear those words now, it is never too much.

And maybe it is about time I begin to accept love from others as much as I try to give.  My counselor has been sounding like a broken record lately. "Learn to show yourself mercy, to forgive yourself and to love yourself, Zita. That way you can do the same for others".  I think I'm starting to get it. 

And as I prayed again, I felt my heart open a little. Kind of like the Grinch.  I felt it expand more as I prayed for all those suffering from the wildfires.  And my heart warmed even more.  I felt flames of love fill my body. And I started to feel a little bit of love for myself. It's a start. 

Feeling compassion for others, I feel connects me to the Source of Love.  

If only we could all remain connected.

And for what it's worth, I am sending some of my love to you tonight.

Be safe. Pray for rain.


Love,


Zita 









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