....I feel horrible! Every joint aches. I am tired. I feel depressed and frustrated.
Mornings are usually bad. This morning I decided to allow myself a sleep in day. I am still planning on running the trail. But I feel like I need some time for my mental health.
I originally woke up at 5 a.m. Wide awake. I knew it was too early and I would not make it through my day of teaching and rehearsals. But I grabbed my Kindle and checked email, Facebook, breaking news.
We have to keep our windows closed at night here - my bedroom window opens to the deck. There are break-ins in this neighborhood. It was stuffy in my room. I fell back to sleep. I had horrible, vivid dreams.
I opened up the window and turned on the fan this morning about 9:00 a.m. The cool breeze helped. I pulled out my Kindle and read some more emails. Then I started reading about ketosis which has been on my mind since I have been attempting a low carb diet. I looked at a few blogs. Considered downloading yet another book on dieting. That's when I got angry.
I am so tired of reading about weight loss. And this program I am on is HARD!!! But I must keep going. I tell my piano students that easy is boring.
I saw some pictures of myself online. I looked gruesome! BUT I am 53 years old. Do I care how I look? What am I trying to accomplish here anyway?
I am feeling negative this morning. But I know I will have an attitude adjustment after my run. And once I leave home to teach I will perk up. I need to focus on other people.
But I think that I need to explore this morning depression, anger and angst. Perhaps the mornings should be spent being kinder to myself? Not lazier, self indulgent. That leads to self deprecation and pity. Especially the next day.
I would love to just joyfully blog everyday about how wonderful it is to lose weight, get stronger and feel better. But I want to keep this real.
It is not easy.
It is hard. And painful.
I stepped on the scale this morning. NO change. But my belly looks flatter. That is good news. BUT am I in this just to look better. To have a flatter belly? I get a little confused about this.
NOTE TO SELF:
My goals are:
So, looking at my goals, I put weight loss, diet and exercise in the first half of my list.
So my QUESTION TO MYSELF is: Do you really think that being 70 lbs lighter will bring happiness? What happens when I reach that goal? I do feel happier when I have accomplished a task. And sometimes it's just pulling my sorry, sore body out of bed! But when I was heavier and not as concerned about my weight, I turned to food as my comforter. Now, when I have these dark days I will not allow myself to revert. And if I slip, I feel bad, guilty, weak.
What I am going to attempt to do right here, right now is finish my tea and then head to the trail. Because THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I am hoping to replace an unhealthy addiction with a healthy addiction.
I will report back after my run/walk/jog. And I am going to add a big prayer/conversation with God!
But you know, what I need to work on now is just loving myself and accepting myself for where I'm at. Because in reality, number 7 through 12 are going to give me quality of life. 1 through will hopefully give me longevity in which to enjoy my life.
Thoughts to ponder with my tea and oatmeal.
I need to make a plan for mornings. I have had way too many of these grumpy starts!
But venting helps. And as long as I'm being truthful, this blog has helped me be accountable. If nothing else, I have accomplished to blog daily for 22 days. And that means something, right?
And a run is next on the agenda. Time permitting, I will do an update upon my return.
Happy Tuesday! (Eventually, we hope!)
Mornings are usually bad. This morning I decided to allow myself a sleep in day. I am still planning on running the trail. But I feel like I need some time for my mental health.
I originally woke up at 5 a.m. Wide awake. I knew it was too early and I would not make it through my day of teaching and rehearsals. But I grabbed my Kindle and checked email, Facebook, breaking news.
We have to keep our windows closed at night here - my bedroom window opens to the deck. There are break-ins in this neighborhood. It was stuffy in my room. I fell back to sleep. I had horrible, vivid dreams.
I opened up the window and turned on the fan this morning about 9:00 a.m. The cool breeze helped. I pulled out my Kindle and read some more emails. Then I started reading about ketosis which has been on my mind since I have been attempting a low carb diet. I looked at a few blogs. Considered downloading yet another book on dieting. That's when I got angry.
I am so tired of reading about weight loss. And this program I am on is HARD!!! But I must keep going. I tell my piano students that easy is boring.
I saw some pictures of myself online. I looked gruesome! BUT I am 53 years old. Do I care how I look? What am I trying to accomplish here anyway?
I am feeling negative this morning. But I know I will have an attitude adjustment after my run. And once I leave home to teach I will perk up. I need to focus on other people.
But I think that I need to explore this morning depression, anger and angst. Perhaps the mornings should be spent being kinder to myself? Not lazier, self indulgent. That leads to self deprecation and pity. Especially the next day.
I would love to just joyfully blog everyday about how wonderful it is to lose weight, get stronger and feel better. But I want to keep this real.
It is not easy.
It is hard. And painful.
I stepped on the scale this morning. NO change. But my belly looks flatter. That is good news. BUT am I in this just to look better. To have a flatter belly? I get a little confused about this.
NOTE TO SELF:
My goals are:
- Lose Weight: I eventually want to lose 70 lbs.
- Eat Sensibly. (Eat healthy. Good fiber, lean protein, veggies, fruits, legumes, tea water. But I want to not obsess about my eating anymore!)
- Exercise regularly. (I want to have daily exercise just part of my life. A PRIORITY)
- Run a 5K
- Run a Half Marathon
- Run a Marathon
- Be present in every moment.
- Be kind and supportive of my family, friends and students
- Praise God for this life
- Read at least 1 book a week
- Memorize one piece a month (I struggle with memorizing my piano music. I am an avid, skillful sightreader, but I want to strengthen my weakness)
- Make friends and have a bit of a social life
So, looking at my goals, I put weight loss, diet and exercise in the first half of my list.
So my QUESTION TO MYSELF is: Do you really think that being 70 lbs lighter will bring happiness? What happens when I reach that goal? I do feel happier when I have accomplished a task. And sometimes it's just pulling my sorry, sore body out of bed! But when I was heavier and not as concerned about my weight, I turned to food as my comforter. Now, when I have these dark days I will not allow myself to revert. And if I slip, I feel bad, guilty, weak.
What I am going to attempt to do right here, right now is finish my tea and then head to the trail. Because THAT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I am hoping to replace an unhealthy addiction with a healthy addiction.
I will report back after my run/walk/jog. And I am going to add a big prayer/conversation with God!
But you know, what I need to work on now is just loving myself and accepting myself for where I'm at. Because in reality, number 7 through 12 are going to give me quality of life. 1 through will hopefully give me longevity in which to enjoy my life.
Thoughts to ponder with my tea and oatmeal.
I need to make a plan for mornings. I have had way too many of these grumpy starts!
But venting helps. And as long as I'm being truthful, this blog has helped me be accountable. If nothing else, I have accomplished to blog daily for 22 days. And that means something, right?
And a run is next on the agenda. Time permitting, I will do an update upon my return.
Happy Tuesday! (Eventually, we hope!)
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