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Day 28 - Regarding Post Concert Depression




Today I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a truck.  I knew it would happen. I have suffered all my life from post concert depression. Not sure if this is a clinical diagnosis, but it is real. Believe me.

I put a lot of energy into performance. And anxiety.  I tend to procrastinate. And then practice like mad as the event nears.  And then chastise myself for not being more prepared.

Funny thing is, that no matter how prepared I am, I never feel prepared enough. Or good enough.

But I usually pull through. Last night I did. Oh, there were some little mistakes, and uh-oh moments. We all have those. But oveall, I felt good. I was about 95% totally present in the moment with the music.

Performing music is like surfing. You spend a lot of time waiting for the big wave.  You work really hard to get on top of it. But when you are there it is pure heaven. You just ride the wave. When you are totally present with your music, you are like a vessel that the music pours through. It is hard to describe, but you know when you are there. I was there last night.

But eventually you crash. I knew it would happen. After the concert I went to hop on a bus. I didn't realize that the bus near the college, didn't run Sunday evening. So I walked. It was a warm evening.  My feet hurt, so I took off my shoes and walked barefoot. I called my kids at home. They were all tired and getting ready for bed. They work early on Monday.

I felt like I wanted to go sit and reflect. Have a beer and a nice meal. Forget my diet for the evening.

Portland doesn't have a lot of late night evening places. Well, there are the fast food joints.  Some bars. But in some neighborhoods it looks like a ghost town after 9:00 p.m. It was 10:00 when I walked into the Bagdad Theater and Pub on Hawthorne.  Wise choice! I walked right into happy hour!

The choir had given me a thank you card and some cash. I used that for a nice, big fattening meal off of the happy hour menu.  I had truffle fries, a big salad with big fat chunks of blue cheese on top and a sausage dog!  Topped it off with a hard apple cider. OK. I pigged out!  And I was probably making little piggy grunting sounds. It all tasted so good.  I felt really relaxed and happy.

I knew I would probably regret it in the morning.  But do you know what? I don't!  I had a big fat piece of life yesterday.  Family, friends, students, music, food, drink and lots of love. And I do not regret a single thing.

Once I started moving this morning, I felt better. I reflected on yesterday. I felt pride. And I feel I've gone up a level. I am preparing to go for a run. I drank a big glass of water. Nibbled on watermelon. I do not imagine sliding back to binge eating and a sedentary lifestyle.

Nope. I want to live life to the fullest!!!

OK. Enough sap. Here are my stats. I did put on a few pounds this week (perhaps all of it yesterday!) But my measurements are improving!

Monday June 8, 2015 Stats

Weight: 203 lbs.
Neck: 15"
Chest: 45"
Upper Abs: 41"
Lower Abs: 40"
Hips: 47"
Thigh:  R 23", L 22.5
Biceps: R 14, L 13.5


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