Year Two, Day 335: Surrender

I just got home a few minutes ago. My heart is filled with incredible, indescribable joy!

Yes, I had a good day.

So good, that it is hard to really talk about it.  Nothing in particular HAPPENED. In fact, I was feeling a little outnumbered.

By grumpy people.

But my fruit of the spirit I was focusing on today was "gentleness". So everytime I encountered yet another grump, I just took a deep breath and thought of Jesus and the word "gentle". And love flooded my heart.

Perhaps I am just still high on Prednisone.

We shall see!

But it occurred to me as I was walking tonight, that it feels like I am connecting the dots in my life.  I am open to experiencing God's Love and Presence more than ever.

And it is this Love that I desire above all else.

Even more than romantic love.  I haven't given up on it, but I no longer seemed to crave it or feel empty or left out.

Speaking of which, I did ride my favorite bus driver's bus today.  He told me his name. I will call him "D". It's been so long since I've mentioned someone of the male species, that I cannot recall if there has been a "D"!  I will have to search my archives.

He told me as I got on the bus, that I would not see him tomorrow because he has to take a class.  I laughed and half sarcastically said, "Whatever shall I do?"

Then I told him I wasn't going to be on his bus tomorrow anyway.

We both chuckled.

As I sat down, I realized I was enjoying this banter. But I did not feel attached to any outcome.

How far I have come!

We chatted a bit when I got to my destination.  I would like to talk to him again.

Or not! I am ok!

WOW!

You see, one of the highlights of my day, was not "D", it was spending the afternoon with my adult son, "A".

I actually rearranged my schedule in order to do so. I still have not been sleeping well because of the Prednisone. The cough is almost gone. But I am playing the piano in Salem for a Maundy Thursday service tomorrow, God willing (if the pastor's tires all hold out!).  And my church job has been busy. And I just felt the need to spend time with "A".

I called him and asked him if he wanted to meet me at the mall, walk around and get a bite to it. He agreed right away.

We had a wonderful time.  I told myself in advance, to just bond. Enjoy his company. Not nag or interrogate.

But old habits die hard. I started asking questions. But bless his heart, he nipped that right in the bud! Told me I should just "chill" and not talk to him like he was a child. Because, as he has mentioned to me numerous times, he is a "grown A*S man". Excuse phrase.

So, I remembered my fruit of the spirit. Took a deep breath. Thought of Jesus. Thought of "gentleness". And we got past it.

I apologized. I told him I was working on it.  I bought him a sweater. He kindly thanked me and said, it was "all good" about me over mothering him.

He even gave me his permission to post a picture of him in his new sweater.

My handsome, wonderful son.

Another positive point of my day: My eating! I am so proud of myself lately. I seem to have gone up to the next level of my health regimen. I am eating a lot of fresh fruits and veggies, and in moderation! The Okinawan tradition of eating until only 80% full has really helped.

Plus, I am feeling so much more positive about myself and life in general, that I do not want to bury myself in food.

I put on a pair of jeans I had not worn in awhile and they fit! A bit snug, but they fit! I wore them all day. Size 14!

I am still at 194 pounds, but the doctor did say Prednisone causes water retention, so hopefully after they have flushed out of my system, the scale will continue to descend!

Besides my time with my son, I had a glorious spiritual experience on my walk home.

In the past, when I have walked home from the bus, beginning with my time in Salem, I would usually turn on talk radio. It would distract me from the walk, the wind and rain, cold, tiredness. I often went for 101.1. Often news would come on and then "Ground Zero with Clyde Lewis". He became like my walking buddy. I loved his energetic personality. He is considered a "paranormal and parapolitical" radio personality. (http://www.groundzeromedia.org/clyde-lewis/).

His programs tend to lean towards conspiracy theory. But they fascinated me. Never a dull moment with the people calling in. And Clyde always treated everyone with respect and an open mind.

But with all the horrifying events in our world lately, I find that my walks have become stressful, infused with anxiety and feeling of impending doom.

So I have switched my radio program to K-Love. The radio station I keep on at night.

And as I rounded the bend to the church, the song "Here with Me" by Mercy Me came on. And I was suddenly lifted up even higher than before. My heart, soul, and entire being was filled with palpable joy.

I stopped in the parking lot of the church, listening. I closed my eyes and tilted my head back. I outstretched my arms in a position of surrender.

I remembered just then a church I loved when I lived in Salem with my son. It was within walking distance of our very humble apartment. We felt a little lonely in Salem. But the church was our life boat. The people were loving and welcoming. And the Spirit was alive.

It was the first church that I felt moved and comfortable enough to raise my hands in praise, especially during the music. And I would cry.  My son liked it too. He didn't even seem too uncomfortable with my emotional response.

And the pastor would stand in the front when the music was playing, and when he was deeply moved, he would also stretch both arms out in surrender. I remember thinking how his image reflected the crucifixtion.

This is Holy Week in the Christian church. Tomorrow is "Maundy Thursday", or the "Last Supper".  When Jesus ate bread and drank wine with his disciples and explained the bread symbolized his body "broken for us" and the wine symbolized his blood "shed for us, so that our sins would be forgiven".

The Last Supper

17 "On the first day of the Festival of Unleavened Bread, the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Where do you want us to make preparations for you to eat the Passover?”

18 He replied, “Go into the city to a certain man and tell him, ‘The Teacher says: My appointed time is near. I am going to celebrate the Passover with my disciples at your house.’” 19 So the disciples did as Jesus had directed them and prepared the Passover.

20 When evening came, Jesus was reclining at the table with the Twelve. 21 And while they were eating, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me.”

22 They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely you don’t mean me, Lord?”

23 Jesus replied, “The one who has dipped his hand into the bowl with me will betray me. 24 The Son of Man will go just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Man! It would be better for him if he had not been born.”

25 Then Judas, the one who would betray him, said, “Surely you don’t mean me, Rabbi?”

Jesus answered, “You have said so.”

26 While they were eating, Jesus took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying,“Take and eat; this is my body.”

27 Then he took a cup, and when he had given thanks, he gave it to them, saying,“Drink from it, all of you. 28 This is my blood of the[a] covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.29 I tell you, I will not drink from this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in my Father’s kingdom.”

30 When they had sung a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olives." (Matthew 26:17-30New International Version (NIV))

Deep stuff no matter what your beliefs are.

Perhaps going into Holy Week with a stronger sense of God's Love this time around then ever has produced this emotional response.

But instead of questioning or analyzing it, I am surrendering to it.

I want this Love.  I want to live in it and I want to be a vessel through which it passes. To you, and anyone else who will accept it.

I have no more words.

Except for Happy Wednesday! And the lyrics to the lovely song that are still playing in my heart:

Here With Me

Mercy Me

"I long for your embrace 

Every single day 

To meet you in this place 

And see you face to face 

Will you show me? 

Reveal yourself to me 

Because of your mercy I fall down on my knees 

And I can feel your presence here with me 

Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty 

Caught up in the wonder of your touch 

Here in this moment I surrender to your love 

You're everywhere I go 

I am not alone 

You call me as your own 

To know you and be known 

You are holy 

And I fall down on my knees 

I can feel your presence here with me 

Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty 

Caught up in the wonder of your touch 

Here in this moment I surrender to your love 

I surrender to your grace 

I surrender to the one who took my place I

 can feel your presence here with me 

Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty 

Caught up in the wonder of your touch 

Here in this moment I surrender 

I can feel your presence here with me 

Suddenly I'm lost within your beauty 

Caught up in the wonder of your touch 

Here in this moment I surrender to your love"

Much Love,

Zita