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Year Two, Day 351: Warning: Blog About Depression - Might Be Depressing!

Back to the ol' drawing board. I feel the D word scratching at my door, howling in my ear.  I will not let him in!

I decided to be proactive. Even though I have battled depression all my life, and I have tried counseling and antidepressants, I do not consider myself healed. I have not totally conquered. If it threatens to overcome by very being, I will seek help.

Lately, I have felt weakened by it.  But the funny is, when I actually talk about it - through this blog, in prayer and with a trusted friend, it backs off.

If it is depressing for you to read about depression, you may want to skip this blog today.  Be forewarned!

Funny thing is, years ago, I thought perhaps I should go to a depression support group. I googled it. I found a "Meet-Up" group for the clinically depressed! But when I read about it, I was horrified. It sounded most depressing! And there was drama within the group. Many people had negative comments about other members, group location, etc.

Not healing!

I attempted the same logic with my social anxiety. I considered starting and "Introverts Support Group" at one of  my churches. But then I realized with a chuckle, that no one would attend!

So I have you, my readers. I used to talk about my depression with my family. But they got weary of my "Eeyore" mentality.

I am going to Google the warning signs of depression. I shall return. Don't go away! (Unless of course, you find it depressing to read about depression!)

Ok. I'm back. I found a wonderful article called "Spotting the Signs of Depression" at Everydayhealth.com (http://www.everydayhealth.com/depression/symptoms.aspx)

It lists the 10 warning signs of depression:
  1. Sadness
  2. Guilt ("People with severe depression may feel that they are worthless and helpless. They may even experience their depression as a sign of weakness, and can be overly self-critical").
  3. Irritability
  4. Mental Symptoms (trouble concentrating, making decisions, memory...)
  5. Physical Symptoms (aches, pains, headaches, digestive problems)
  6. Loss of energy
  7. Loss of interest
  8. Sleep changes
  9. Appetite changes
  10.  Suicidal thoughts. 

I checked 9 out of 10.  I am familiar with these symptoms.  Especially #1, #6, and #7.  In recent years I discovered that irritability is a sign of depression. This has helped me understand and develop compassion for some difficult people in my life.

But today I am looking at #2. Guilt.  This has been huge lately.  I hadn't even considered that it was part of my depressive condition. Big light bulb just went on in my brain!

The only sign I do not possess, and have never really, is #10. So no need to call the authorities.

I do want to live.

That is why I am trying so hard. First I tried to mask it with anti-depressants. Then I tried to get to the root of it with counseling.  Neither worked too well for me.

Now I am in acceptance mode. I can live with depression. If I stay on top of it.

I have to understand that my thinking will sometimes be peppered by it.

I have to take care of myself. Exercise, sleep, healthy food.

I have to talk about it - perhaps mostly in this blog? I am not against seeking counseling or a group - lol - if they are not dramatic and too dark!

I really want to stay away from meds if possible. They tend to mask my feelings. I like to feel.

But most of all, what has become vital to me is not to place blame on others, or burden them with my cloud. This is my private rain cloud. It follows me some days. Some days, it drifts away.  I do not need to rain on anyone else!

On that note, I must say I am feeling a burden has lifted.

Talking about it does help!

I am going to focus on the spirit of "love" today.

Happy Friday!

Much love,

Zita


P.S.   (Funny thing. After writing this whole blog. I suddenly feel uplifted. Getting this off my chest helps! But, the FUNNY thing is that I almost titled this blog the "D" word again. But I decided against it because my new favorite bus driver that I enjoy visiting with on Mondays, is named "D". Don't want to confuse the two! LOL)

P.P.S I know I said that I was going to spend a lot of time at the gym today. But I just felt the need to talk about my friend, Depression.  I am going to do some yoga, stretching, plank and crunches before I head out today. I am planning on a big salad for lunch. Then I have a bit of work to do at the library. Then a Venti Green Tea Latte with coconut milk is in order from Starbucks before I teach group piano. Tomorrow and Sunday will be gym days.Just keeping myself accountable!  I am feeling a little disappointed in myself because I will be starting on Year Three of this blog in two weeks. And I am still about 50 pounds overweight. Is it depression that is making feel mad at myself, or is my disappointment in self leading to depression?

Thoughts to ponder.

Ok...NOW I am outta here!


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