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Showing posts from January, 2019

Year Four, Day 86: Gut Balance is the Key!

I am again in balance!

Perhaps it's because the dust has settled.  Not nearly as much stress in my life as there was say one month ago. When my son was in jail.

There are always speed bumps in the road of life.  Like when I realized my cell phone bill is due Monday and I don't get paid until next Thursday. And my service provider will not give me a 4 day grace period. I must be in balance because my heart is not racing and I am not short of breath after eternal hold and annoying cell phone customer support person!

Lately I have chosen the scenic side path instead of the freeway of life. The less I have to hurry, the more peaceful I am.

This afternoon, on the bus, I overheard a conversation between two young, nicely dressed men. One of them was even wearing a fedora.  It warms my heart to see nicely dressed, well spoken people on the bus.  They were talking about how they despise the suburbs, as we headed east on Belmont.

As we passed all the quaint little dive restaurants and…

Year Four, Day 85: Teeter-Totter

Today is a teeter-totter day.  I have been up. I have been down. But not too long in either direction. I keep trying to find the center.

My physical health is improving. My cough has subsided. I made a nice, big, piping hot pot of congee this morning. My granddaughter loves congee! She was eating it in big spoonfuls, and handfuls, saying, "Mmmm!"

I'm returning to a gluten free diet. And focusing on vegetables. Trying to stay away from meat, fried and processed foods.  Lots of water and tea.

I think part of my cough is related to acid reflux. We'll just leave that there. No need to elaborate.

I spent some time with my son at Starbucks this afternoon. I had mint tea.  He had a chai tea latte. But mostly we just enjoyed each other's company. His neck was stiff and sore. Amazingly he agreed to let me give him a shoulder and neck massage right there in public! He has matured.  A few years ago he would have been most embarrassed.

Part of finding my center is a lot of …

Year Four, Day 84: Balance Mode

A balanced day! At last! 
Since I last posted, I have been to hell and back! Sunday was an absolute #3:
I woke up feeling quite miserable: Congested, wheezing and full of negative thoughts. I wanted to remain in bed, but my mind was filled with thoughts of impending doom. Like, "What if this is the end?" "What if I never heal?"
I knew I had to get vertical. But the idea of talking to people, being friendly, putting forth any sort of effort at all was exhausting. It was getting late and I would not make it to my regular church in Vancouver on time. Then I remembered that the Catholic church downtown Vancouver had an 11:00 a.m. Gregorian Chant service. This got me moving! I have been wanting to attend this service for some time. My Catholic roots had been calling to me, plus my obsession with monks and contemplative life go way back. This would fit in with my day of isolation and solitude.  
It was the right thing to do.  My daughter, granddaughter and husband were …

Year Four, Day 83: Toxic Ball of Poison

My daughter gave me an ultimatum yesterday.

Shape up or move out!

We were talking about our living situation.  And if we should continue cohabitating.

I desire my own space, but I love being able to see my granddaughter every day. I fear that if I move, she will not have memories of her Zma.  I know how life can get. These last 16 months have been so precious.  My granddaughter can make me smile on the darkest days.

But living with others is difficult for me. I tried to explain it to my daughter.

I told her I am unique.

I am:

 A musician. I require time to practice the piano.An introvert. I require time to recharge my battery, alone.I am not at my healthiest, so I need even more time alone to rest and hopefully find balance.
 She wasn't buying it. She's known me her whole 28 years of life.  She says that I have one very good, balanced day a month. The rest of the time, I am either overly sensitive or a "toxic ball of poison".

Geez.  Adult children.  They don't…

Year Four, Day 82: "Even the White People"

I was going to continue my thoughts about inner peace today, but today is not the day. My peace was disrupted.

In a very alarming way.

I woke up early this morning. I dressed in layers. It was bitter cold. Even Honey Dog, hesitated before heading outside for her morning constitutional.

I walked through the park with my bat light. The sun was just beginning to come up. Streaks of magenta illumined the eastern sky.

It reminded me that I have been trying to start the day with prayer. Before the sun comes up. Before my daughter and granddaughter wake up.

I did this morning. And it felt right.

I walked briskly. To keep my mind off of the cold and to insure that I made all of my bus connections.  The express buses do not run on the weekends, so it is a long trip to Portland.

I made good time this morning. Did not have to wait longer than 5  minutes for each connection. In fact, when I arrived at the Delta Park Max Station, the train was just pulling in. I ran across the tracks with a group …

Year Four, Day 81: Peace; To Be Continued

January 8, 2019
3:55 p.m.
Multnomah County Library

It is bitter cold outside. The wind feels like it is blowing through me. Through my thick winter jacket, and both layers of clothing. I am chilled to the bone.

And to my very soul.  I am praying like mad.  My heart is racing.  This is anxiety at it's peak.

But there have been moments.  Moments of transcendent peace. I cannot even explain it.  I will have to contemplate this as I head out to my student's house.  And then to choir practice. I may not be able to continue this thought until tomorrow.  So I am putting my thoughts down now to remind myself.

Until then....Zita

To Be Continued...

Year Four, Day 80: Forgiveness

Back in my library office.  I had a very intense day yesterday with my son and his girlfriend.

I am still not at liberty to speak of the case, but yesterday was very positive.  My son had good conversations with the judge, DA and his attorney. We all felt good because we feel like he is finally being heard and they are seeing the good in him.

We still have yet to hear the verdict.  But I can see God's hand in this whole situation.  I need to remember to stay in the present and give thanks. We have come so far. 

No matter the outcome, we will survive.  We have love. We have faith in God.

I almost lost it this morning.  I did not sleep well. My mother was to pick me up at 7:00 a.m. for our weekly breakfast. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. to let Honey Dog out.  My head was pounding, my heart racing. My stomach lurching. 

I almost cancelled breakfast. 

I am glad I didn't.

My mother has this amazing presence.  And she can be healing, when she desires.  This morning she was.  I talked and t…

Year Four, Day 79: My Prayer Hats

January 2, 2019

At my library office.  So many thoughts. Most of which I cannot share publicly.

My son is doing well.  My family is well.  My cough has returned, but I am taking care of it. Mostly with my ginger/lemon/honey tea concoction. Heavy on the ginger, light on the honey.

I have decided I need to be nicer to myself.  Someone has to!

My New Year's Addition this year is simple: "Love myself so I can love others".

I am continuing with all of my additions from the last 8 years, which include exercise, daily bible reading and prayer, daily piano practice, random acts of kindness, healthy eating, drinking oodles of water...

I find I am less likely to fail if I just add good things into my life, rather than resolve to change.

I am not really even concerned about the weight anymore.  My appetite has been rather low. Probably because of stress, worry and this lost sense of smell thing.

I'm o.k. with it.  Everything in moderation. Oh, if I could go back in time and tea…