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Year Four, Day 83: Toxic Ball of Poison

My daughter gave me an ultimatum yesterday.

Shape up or move out!

We were talking about our living situation.  And if we should continue cohabitating.

I desire my own space, but I love being able to see my granddaughter every day. I fear that if I move, she will not have memories of her Zma.  I know how life can get. These last 16 months have been so precious.  My granddaughter can make me smile on the darkest days.

But living with others is difficult for me. I tried to explain it to my daughter.

I told her I am unique.

I am:

 A musician. I require time to practice the piano.An introvert. I require time to recharge my battery, alone.I am not at my healthiest, so I need even more time alone to rest and hopefully find balance.
 She wasn't buying it. She's known me her whole 28 years of life.  She says that I have one very good, balanced day a month. The rest of the time, I am either overly sensitive or a "toxic ball of poison".

Geez.  Adult children.  They don't…
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Year Four, Day 82: "Even the White People"

I was going to continue my thoughts about inner peace today, but today is not the day. My peace was disrupted.

In a very alarming way.

I woke up early this morning. I dressed in layers. It was bitter cold. Even Honey Dog, hesitated before heading outside for her morning constitutional.

I walked through the park with my bat light. The sun was just beginning to come up. Streaks of magenta illumined the eastern sky.

It reminded me that I have been trying to start the day with prayer. Before the sun comes up. Before my daughter and granddaughter wake up.

I did this morning. And it felt right.

I walked briskly. To keep my mind off of the cold and to insure that I made all of my bus connections.  The express buses do not run on the weekends, so it is a long trip to Portland.



I made good time this morning. Did not have to wait longer than 5  minutes for each connection. In fact, when I arrived at the Delta Park Max Station, the train was just pulling in. I ran across the tracks with a group …

Year Four, Day 81: Peace; To Be Continued

January 8, 2019
3:55 p.m.
Multnomah County Library


It is bitter cold outside. The wind feels like it is blowing through me. Through my thick winter jacket, and both layers of clothing. I am chilled to the bone.

And to my very soul.  I am praying like mad.  My heart is racing.  This is anxiety at it's peak.

But there have been moments.  Moments of transcendent peace. I cannot even explain it.  I will have to contemplate this as I head out to my student's house.  And then to choir practice. I may not be able to continue this thought until tomorrow.  So I am putting my thoughts down now to remind myself.

Until then....Zita

To Be Continued...

Year Four, Day 80: Forgiveness

Back in my library office.  I had a very intense day yesterday with my son and his girlfriend.

I am still not at liberty to speak of the case, but yesterday was very positive.  My son had good conversations with the judge, DA and his attorney. We all felt good because we feel like he is finally being heard and they are seeing the good in him.

We still have yet to hear the verdict.  But I can see God's hand in this whole situation.  I need to remember to stay in the present and give thanks. We have come so far. 

No matter the outcome, we will survive.  We have love. We have faith in God.

I almost lost it this morning.  I did not sleep well. My mother was to pick me up at 7:00 a.m. for our weekly breakfast. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. to let Honey Dog out.  My head was pounding, my heart racing. My stomach lurching. 

I almost cancelled breakfast. 

I am glad I didn't.

My mother has this amazing presence.  And she can be healing, when she desires.  This morning she was.  I talked and t…

Year Four, Day 79: My Prayer Hats

January 2, 2019

At my library office.  So many thoughts. Most of which I cannot share publicly.

My son is doing well.  My family is well.  My cough has returned, but I am taking care of it. Mostly with my ginger/lemon/honey tea concoction. Heavy on the ginger, light on the honey.

I have decided I need to be nicer to myself.  Someone has to!

My New Year's Addition this year is simple: "Love myself so I can love others".

I am continuing with all of my additions from the last 8 years, which include exercise, daily bible reading and prayer, daily piano practice, random acts of kindness, healthy eating, drinking oodles of water...

I find I am less likely to fail if I just add good things into my life, rather than resolve to change.

I am not really even concerned about the weight anymore.  My appetite has been rather low. Probably because of stress, worry and this lost sense of smell thing.

I'm o.k. with it.  Everything in moderation. Oh, if I could go back in time and tea…

Year Four, Day 78: This Thing Called Adulting

Most tired am I today!

But I feel like a huge, giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

After I sprung my son from the joint yesterday, we met with the deputy that will be monitoring him until his hearing.  She has been a God send.  Very efficient, takes time to explain everything and oozes motherly compassion. We love her!

She explained what was expected of him. Then she sent us out to another location to be fitted with his ankle bracelets.

Oh, let me backtrack.  After he burst through the prison door to freedom and hugged us all, I handed him a bag.In it was a Philly cheesesteak sandwich. (The cafe in the Justice Center makes really good food!)

His eyes lit up as he opened the paper wrapping (the jail would not allow me to bring in a foil wrapped sandwich, lest I activate the security alarm!).

I have never seen him eat with such pleasure before. Don't get me wrong, my son loves food. He has always had a voracious appetite. But he inhaled this sandwich, making animal noise…

Year Four, Day 77: "Neither Wind Nor Rain"...Nothing Stops the Mama!

I burst into the jail with only a few minutes to spare yesterday. I was drenched from head to toe. I didn't even have time to shake the rain from my umbrella.

My shoes squeeked on the slick floor as I sloshed over to a table piled with forms and tiny pencils. I filled out a request for a video visit with an inmate and rushed up to the deputy behind the glass.

He chuckled when I raced up, out of breath. I slid the slip of paper under the window separating us.

"Neither wind nor rainstorm..." He laughed.

"I know, right?" I smiled at him. We have a comfortable familiarity. I have seen this man once a week for over two months now.

"I'm more determined then a postal worker!" I blurted out.

He laughed again. "Well you even beat them", He said as he checked my ID. "I haven't even seen the mail come in today".

He handed me a yellow post-it note with my sign-in code written in pencil.

I told him I was alone today. My son's girlfr…