Skip to main content

Year Four, Day 83: Toxic Ball of Poison

 My daughter gave me an ultimatum yesterday.

Shape up or move out!

We were talking about our living situation.  And if we should continue cohabitating.

I desire my own space, but I love being able to see my granddaughter every day. I fear that if I move, she will not have memories of her Zma.  I know how life can get. These last 16 months have been so precious.  My granddaughter can make me smile on the darkest days.

But living with others is difficult for me. I tried to explain it to my daughter.

I told her I am unique.

I am:

  1.  A musician. I require time to practice the piano.
  2. An introvert. I require time to recharge my battery, alone.
  3. I am not at my healthiest, so I need even more time alone to rest and hopefully find balance.

 She wasn't buying it. She's known me her whole 28 years of life.  She says that I have one very good, balanced day a month. The rest of the time, I am either overly sensitive or a "toxic ball of poison".

Geez.  Adult children.  They don't mince words, do they?

I've done counseling, read upteen self help books, have been blogging for 4 years. I pray. I go to church.

I was eating healthy.

I was exercising regularly.

I think for my sanity and for the sanity of my daughter, I should get back on the health train.

We also devised a system. I was going to rate my mood on a scale of 1 - 10, 1 being perfectly balanced, 10 being, as my daughter so aptly put it "a toxic ball of poison". Arrgg.

But she recommended just three levels.

1. Balanced days. (Hopefully more than 1 a month!)
2. Teeter-tottering (overly sensitive days - beware!)
3. Toxic ball of poison days (stay away!)


 Below are the graphics I will text her on my phone to alert her to my emotional state:

Balanced
Teeter Totter (Overly Sensitive...Beware)

Toxic Ball of Poison (Stay away!)



Perhaps I will use these graphics for my blog. I would also like to get back to daily blogging.

I really have sunk low.  Saving my son took a lot of energy. But I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't give it my all!

But I do not want to be a toxic ball of poison to my family.

So, back to working on me.

I am going to focus on:

  1. Daily Blogging: This tends to keep me on track an accountable.
  2. Daily Exercise: This keeps me sane and my moods more balanced.
  3. Healthier Eating: This will keep me alive longer!
  4. Daily Mood Tracking:  This will keep my daughter happy. :)  Just kidding. I have suspected that I have some mood disorder all my life. I've done counseling and meds. The only thing that has really helped is prayer and exercise.  And work. I do well when I am working or being otherwise productive.
So, I hope to be talking to you more often.  And I hope to stay out of the toxic ball of poison state!


Happy Saturday!

Talk tomorrow

Love,

Zita



p.s. Today was level 2. "Teeter Totter". I had moments of peace. Like early this morning downtown, waiting for the bus.  My heart had begun to race, thinking about everything I had to do. Then I just stopped and took a deep breath.  Said a quick prayer. And peace descended!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 347: My Big Fat Greek Salad!!

I have perfected the art of making a Greek salad!  I have made two huge bowls in the last week. My kinds rave. Essentially the secret is f vegetables , good feta cheese, Greek olives and a homemade dressing made with light, extra virgin olive oil, garlic, lemon juice, red wine vinegar,  and oregano. Here is my recipe: MY BIG FAT GREEK SALAD Serves 4 hungry adults 4 cups greens (I used a "spring mix" from Fred Meyer) 2 cucumbers 6 roma tomatoes one small red onion 1 cup cubed feta cheese 1 cup Greek olives (pitted) Get out a big bowl. Peel a clove of garlic, cut in half and rub it over the interior of the bowl.  Wash the lettuce if it is not prewashed and packaged like mine was.  Dry the leaves, and tear into bite sized pieces. Throw into the big bowl. Note: Romaine lettuce is good to include in the mix, because it is hearty. Peel the cucumbers and dice. Add to bowl. Cut the roma tomatoes in half and squeeze out the seeds (otherwise they make th...
Post a Comment
Read more

Year Two, Day 307: Chasing Away The Gloomy Weather...with Music and a Smile! :)

It seems to me that most of the city is depressed, tired and sick. I still have my low grade snuffly nose, along with sneezing, and itching eyes.  Low energy. It is nice to know I am not the only one. Misery loves company, don't you know! Even through the gloom, I had an enjoyable day.  I told myself several times that I really am a lucky woman. My kids are grown, I'm going to be a GRANDMA, and I love my work. My church job is a nice secure little job and it seems I am quite needed there.  I am still learning the ropes. But I am enjoying it. Meeting new people. And best of all, I have only a 1 1/2 minute commute (by foot!). I have a cozy little room in a household full of wonderful laid back people.  People who love animals and music. But best of all, my afternoons are filled with music. I basically get on the bus and travel about town, sitting at pianos, visiting with students, who are like my family. We talk. They play the piano for me. I offer pointe...
Post a Comment
Read more

Year Two, Day 50: Mindful Biking

More breaking ground today. I rode my bike to the Max, and then to my first student, who coincidentally lives close to my gym.  Maggie waiting patiently for me at the gym, 6/28/2016 I am starting to notice positive changes from my daily biking.  First of all, I feel such a sense of freedom and exhiliration when I hop on and take off.  It reminds me of my childhood. My brother and I rode all over Vancouver, WA on summer break.  It was my first experience of independence from a rather harsh father.  Back then we didn't wear helmets. And there were many hills. I will never forget the joy of coasting down a hill with the wind in my hair. I have hints of the feeling now. I also have noticed my energy is higher. And although I am sore (cycling uses muscles that I have not worked in awhile), I am getting stronger. Feeling strong! Cycling is also good for my mind. I find myself going through routes in my head. I am hoping to add more routes to my day...
Post a Comment
Read more