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Year Four, Day 326: On the Concept of Time and the Passing of My Father

Hello My Long Lost Friends!

Where does the time go? 

My original goal for this blog, was to post daily about my commitment to self-improvement.  It has been roughly 4 months since my last post! 

Ah, but so much life has happened in these last 4 months!

OK, I must admit I just disappeared from my blog for 20 minutes googling "What is Time?" I have often pondered the concept of time. I found some fascinating reading material.  You should try it sometime!  

Most articles on the subject of time, defined it as such:

"Physicists define time as the progression of events from the past to the present into the future. Basically, if a system is unchanging, it is timeless. Time can be considered to be the fourth dimension of reality, used to describe events in three-dimensional space. It is not something we can see, touch, or taste, but we can measure its passage." (From the article, "What is Time? A Simple Explanation" from the website "ThoughtCo"_

https://www.thoughtco.com/what-is-time-4156799#:~:text=Time%20is%20the%20progression%20of,for%20human%20perception%20of%20time.

When I was a small child, I remember my father saying that he once pondered time and the universe for many hours. He said he almost found the answer, but then it felt like his brain was going to snap. He said it was like he was standing on the edge of a bottomless abyss and he was afraid to get too close, or he would fall in. So he stopped.  It made me feel very uneasy thinking about my father's brain snapping. Or him falling into a bottomless abyss. Or that he did not have the answers to everything...

Sigh. As usual, I am rambling.  

Today is my day of bereavement for my recently deceased father. I took the entire day off from work. I realize that I have very few days off.  And that I am very time oriented.  I have much anxiety about "losing time".  This probably relates to my childhood.  My father would get very angry if he found my brother inside watching television on a sunny, summer day. He would tell us we were wasting daylight and demand we go outside.  We would usually play outside in the woods behind our house until the sun went down. We had no cell phones then. The sun was our clock. When it set, we went inside.

Like most of you, I have conflicting memories of  my childhood. Especially my father.  His passing has brought up many feelings.  I spent many years grieving his absence. Many years even before his death.  Not his physical absence, but the absence of what I perceived a father should be. Someone I could call "Daddy" and sit on his lap while he told me stories.  

He didn't live up to my idealized version.

Still, he will always be my father.  He was the one who taught me to play the piano.  The gift of music has shaped my entire life. 

Why are so many of us angry with our fathers?  Is it because the real life father falls so short of the idealized "Brady Bunch" dad?  

I see my own son be the father I wish I would have had. He is so involved in his children's life; from changing diapers, holding them, playing games with them, snuggling with them.  My grandchildren are so fortunate.

My father gave me another gift: the gift of life.  Without him (and my mother) I would not exist.  He was difficult to love.  And I really struggle to find a loving memory of him. But as the dust settles, I do remember some amusing family times.  I may write about them another time. 

I am noticing how often i use the word "time", by the way!

My father was married to my mother for 61 years.  She talks about him more now than when he was alive. For the last several years since his stroke, she was his caregiver.  She is a retired registered nurse. We credit his survival to her. Our family joked that with her care, he would outlive us all.

So even though he was on hospice for the last month, I was a little surprised that he died.  Thankfully it was a peaceful departure. 

During his time on hospice, my mom was surrounded with wonderful people from the VA.  Every day of the week brought a different professional to assist her:  CNA's, caregivers, a case manager, social worker, and chaplain.  The VA gave him a hospital bed.  

Now that he is gone, her life is much quieter. But she seems to cherish this time.  She still feels his presence.  And she still has her cat to care for.

And her family.  We have fallen into a routine of rotating visits with her.  She is kept happily busy with breakfast, lunches, and visits to her home to start going through my father's belongings.  We are especially focused on collecting his artwork, music and poetry.  

My father was a very talented man. I hope to find a piece of music that speaks to me and notate it on my computer, print it and perform it.  

I have many more thoughts, but I really just wanted to check in and make my presence known.  Even though I am a teacher with many wonderful students who keep me feeling young and vibrant, I do need my solitude and time to just be. 

And to ponder.  

Time to me is a precious possession.  I feel like I have been anxious about the passing of time for most of my life.  But more and more I find I am able to breathe and click into the present moment. This has been so useful in musical performance.  And I need to go back to present moment breath for daily life.

I think I will end here. I am at the community library and my time is running out.

Remind me to talk about my new music class on my next post. I am seriously inspired!

I hope you are all well. And I hope to talk again soon.  Blogging is so therapeutic for me!

Be well,

Zita 

PS I am finally learning to play my ukelele!  I am using it to accompanying songs I am teaching to my new music class. :) 






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