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Year Four, Day 280: Coddling that Little Stinker

Dear Friends:

How I have missed you!

I am sitting at a computer at the public library in the Vancouver Mall.  At last!  I did a happy dance when I saw the email that the libraries here in Vancouver were opening up for limited visits. I have exactly 30 minutes.

I apologize for my extended absence. I simply did not have the energy to blog. I will admit, I have been feeling blue.  But, as my boyfriend pointed out (er, ehem - he is now my fiance!), I have expressed publicly that I NEED to blog. That it is cathartic for me. Especially when I am feeling depressed.


As I often say, "Better out than in!"


It is therapeutic for me to get the words out of my head. I had made a commitment to post regularly when I began this blog, often daily! 


But than life happens, and I fall off the wagon.  I attempt to be transparent. I share my life with my readers, for my own sanity, and also in the hopes that sharing my experiences, might help someone else who is suffering similarly. 


Not that my life is constant suffering. Quite the contrary. Each day is spiced with extreme joy! I absolutely love being a grandma, or "Zma" as I am now called!  


I love teaching piano and have adapted to teaching online.


I have a wonderful man to love and loves me unconditionally.


I am pretty dang healthy for a woman approaching 60.


Why then do I feel blue?


I have been asking myself this question most of my life.  This morning I woke up feeling a bit of a shift. Instead of asking myself why I felt so miserable, I told myself to get up in spite of my depression.  I know better than to tell myself to snap out of it. 


Depression is real.


I used to embrace the blues. Drink a beer, put on blues music, eat chocolate and potato chips.


But now, I see how much time I have wasted. Coddling that little stinker.  Depression can be my roommate, but he needs to pay rent.


Interesting how I consider depression male! 


Anyway, what I am saying is that I have worked too hard and come too far to let this stinker own me. I have spiraled down for the past few months. Now I am clawing my way back up for air. I have too many good things in my life and too many people who rely on me to allow myself the time that coddling depression requires.


Plus, I gave in and asked my doctor if I could try antidepressants again. I'm on Effexor.  It is mild, but it does take the edge off.


And seems to quell the voices.


My therapist looked up at me with concern when I first mentioned the voices.  It made me laugh. I told them the voices were all me. They are my internal judge.  I don't have strange voices telling me to do things.


I wouldn't listen to them anyway because I am a rebel!


I am about to be logged off this here computer. I hereby vow to get back to regular blogging. I feel better already!


Happy Friday!


Love,


Zita








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