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Year Four, Day 291: A Tease



Hello Friends:

I debated blogging today. I had made a pact with myself nearly five years ago, when I began this blog to be transparent and attempt to blog daily - the good, the bad and the ugly!

Lately though, I tend to avoid y'all when things aren't going so well or I don't have anything profound to say.

I seriously need to get over that profundity thing.  Life is not always profound. Some moments are stressful, painful, scary, joyful, and hilarious!  And worst of all, for someone like me, sometimes they are the dreaded mundane!

Gasp!

Most of my life I have feared the mundane, the routine and the ordinary. Strangely enough, now that I am a grandma (a "Zma") to four unbelievingly precious children, there is quite a bit about my normal routine that I cherish.

Like when my daughter calls me at all hours of the morning and night and sleepily asks if I want to come feed a baby.  Since there are two of them (now 7 weeks old), 

Or when my 3 1/2 year old granddaughter knocks on my door in the basement. I always say, "Who is it?"

And this high pitched, vivacious little voice squeaks, "It's me, Gracie. I'm here for my piano lesson!:

Or when Friday comes, my last day of teaching of the week and my boyfriend texts me to say he is on his way to see me.  Seeing his rugged, sweet manly face after several days of absence, makes my heart leap and my palms sweat. 

I'm still kind of a teenager at heart. Especially in the love department.

But all is not a bed of roses.  I would like to recommit to regular, transparent sometimes mundane and dreadfully boring blogging.  I seem to stabilize my emotions and gravitate towards inner peace when I get my thoughts out on a regular basis.

Wow - did I just say that?  Pretty cool!

The neat thing about blogging, for me, is that even when I think I have absolutely nothing interesting to say, as I start to type, words just appear!

Really!

I am seriously sharing my stream of consciousness with ya'll. I didn't plan a single word!

Well, that's a little white lie. I had an idea of what I was going to talk about once I humbly apologized for breaking my blogging oath.

I was going to talk about love.

And how I am slightly screwing up the relationship I have longed for my whole life.

I am having a hard time finding my true self.  I have been trying to shed the layers for years. Like an onion. To reach my authentic self. 

But when love comes calling?  I seem to revert to my old, slightly shallow, appearance orientated and rather manipulative ways. 

Argh. That truth was hard to type! 

You see, the moment my man reached out to me a year ago (7/3/2020 - we just celebrated our one year anniversary!), I have been filled with this bubbling, womanly energy.  How do I describe it without sounding foolish?

I don't. Cuz I have been and am a fool for this man. No fooling!

When he first reached out to me after over 20 years - I can't recall exactly when we last hung out - I was literally jumping up and down and saying "OMGOMGOMG!"  

Just like that. But faster!  And if you know me, I talk FAST!

My family thought I had finally lost ALL of my marbles.

When I told them who had contacted me, they all smiled and nodded.  They knew how I felt about him. He was my best friend for several years. And I was crazy smitten with him. He is also 12 years younger than me, so I didn't think we would ever be a "thing".

Then he disappeared. I was heartbroken. Turns out he got married. And had two kids.  (The first thing I did when he reached out to me on Facebook, was check his profile.  I let out an audible sigh of relief  when read "divorced" under relationship status). I finally met them, and I am glad he disappeared. His kids are adorable.  I loved them both immediately.

Even now, that I feel our relationship is on a precipice, deep inside I truly just wish him happiness.  Even if he chooses to leave this mess of a woman. Again. 

 He has always had a heart of gold.  He and I met this time around at a time when we were both in transition and struggling with different issues.

If you know me at all, my loved ones say I .....

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Hang on friends. I'll be right back....My daughter just called and said, "If you're not sleeping, you should come see these babies!"

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ONE HOUR LATER...


I'm back!  I had my baby therapy and now I need my beauty sleep!


Talkin' 'bout love will have to wait until tomorrow!

Sorry to be such a tease.


But you know, that is what my name is, spelled backwards:


ZITA = ATIZ


Ok. I'm getting rummy. But those babies did cheer me up!



Happy Tuesday!


And I WILL talk to you tomorrow! :)


Love,


Zita



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