Hi Friends!
I'm back. In a much timelier manner than usual!
I have a few more short stories featuring the "Zma in the Hood" today.
But first, the return of the "D" word. Depression has been a companion of mine my whole life. He comes and goes. I've learned to accept it.
This morning I woke up feeling blue, struggling with depression and anxiety. I know the feeling well: It starts in my head. A low level throbbing around my temples. Then it radiates to my eyes. I feel tears "behind my eyes". Then the sensation travels to my gut. I feel queasy and uneasy. My pulse usually quickens. I am short of breath. But behind it all, is that empty, achy cavernous feeling around my heart.
How's that for a description of depression? Well, that is how it feels to me at least. This morning while I was airing out the apartment, trying to cool it off enough for an afternoon of teaching, I could feel it coming on strong. It actually started last night. A bit of tension with the man, I'm afraid. Not sure if this depression is related to bruised feelings, misunderstanding and all that is involved in relationship conflict, or if I am simply depressed and everything feels off?
I would suspect the latter. It is hotter than Hades out, but I will not blame my blues on that. I think it is just one of many contributing factors.
All I knew was that I needed an attitude adjustment before I tried to teach.
I am glad I headed out rather than burying my head under the sheets. Too hot for that anyway!
Last night, as I was headed home from teaching, I stopped at the little convenience store up the street. It is a family owned store. Amazingly, they usually stock avocados, onions, garlic, tomatoes, lime and fresh cilantro. My plan for dinner was homemade guac, chips and Outshine popsicles.
Sadly, they only had a few very hard avocados in the cooler. And no fresh cilantro. I also needed ice badly for my ghetto AC (a large fan blowing on a colander full of ice, on top of a large bowl to catch drippings, on top of my piano stool. Don't judge. It works surprisingly well! I also bought a personal "swamp cooler" from the recommendation of a colleague. It sits on my table blowing a small, cool mist of air at my face while I teach online.
So, imagine my disappointment when I was told they were also out of ice!
"No!", I groaned. I thought it was inwardly, but it was out loud, quite loudly! The cashier looked at me compassionately.
"We will have more tomorrow", she said sweetly. "Everyone wanted to buy ice today! Have you tried Plaid Pantry?"
I considered it. But it was another 3 blocks walking through Hades. I decided to go home, start up the fan and my swamp cooler, take off my shoes, have my popsicle and head out later.
I was trudging up the street, feeling a little sorry for myself, when I heard a car sidle up beside me. Immediately I had little alarms going off in my brain. From as far back as about age 12, I have been stalked by an assortment of men. (The one who approached me when I was 12 was the most horrifying). I couldn't help but wonder if it was my stalker from a few months back.
"Will it never end?", I thought - inwardly this time.
Then I caught myself. I mustn't always thing the worst of people! I am a 60 year-old, sweaty Zma lugging a back pack full of music, with walking sandals and a long hippie skirt. I'm sure I wasn't projecting an image of young, sexy and available!
So I stopped and glanced to my left. It was the man who worked at the convenient store. He was often stocking shelves and very friendly. I had asked him where certain items were many a time.
He pulled over and shoved a big bag of ice at me.
"I heard you say you needed ice", he said smiling.
I grabbed it with both hands and said, "Yes!" attempting to pull it out of his car.
But oddly, he didn't let go. I wondered briefly if he wanted money? But I only had plastic on me. No cash.
"I didn't know if you wanted a ride back", he said.
Little red light alarms started going off in my skull. Ride back? Where?
Maybe he thought I was heading up to Plaid?
"I just live around the corner", I said.
"It's ok. I will pay for it", he said.
I decided to assume this was a positive moment of charity.
"Thank you so much!", I gushed. "You are an angel! I will pay for this next time I am in!"
At last he let go of the bag and sped off.
That was last night. Today, we have Ice Chronicles Part II!
So, I was in a funk this morning. I planned on going out for lunch, to the library, to the gym and to the grocery store to attempt to pull myself up by my bootstraps.
So I headed to Annie's Hamburgers, a cute little divy joint in my neighborhood. The food is decent and the AC is cold.
I had a kraut dog, salad and Diet Coke.
I was feeling more peaceful as I sat down with my soda and a few books. I was lucky to get the table beneath the AC vent. I sighed and tried to think peaceful, loving thoughts towards myself and others.
Just then the door flew open. Two gangster looking young men staggered in. One actually was hobbling on crutches. He had only a sock on one foot. He looked like he was in agony. He went right up to the counter, interrupting a customer who was ordering tater tots, and said in a loud voice, "Can I get a cup of ice? We are driving to the coast and I need to ice my knee!"
The young man at the register just glared at him and continued taking the tater tot order.
The young hobbled man repeated his request louder.
At which point the man a the register said, "Sir we do not give out ice"! His buddy said in hushed tones, "Wait your turn, broh. And PAY for a cup".
Amazingly they both sat down. When it was their turn to order, the young man that was not on crutches went up to the counter. I was thinking that maybe I would suggest the little store next door, but then I remembered my experience from the previous night. I kept my mouth shut.
Just then the front door flew open again. Everyone startled a bit when a large bag of hit and a box of sandwich bags was dropped on the table in front of the injured one. He looked at it in shock.
The man who flung the ice - a very slight, slender, twitchy guy - said, "I got that for you. Don't worry about repaying me. Just pay it forward".
"That was so kind of you!" I gushed. The two young men also expressed their gratitude. They ended up buying the man a soda.
Suddenly the vibe changed for the better inside the restaurant. And inside my throbbing head. The tears behind my eyes came out an trickled down my cheeks.
Unexpected acts of human kindness tend to have that effect on me. And the incident, once again taught me not to make snap judgments of people.
Later that evening, I had a profound conversation with one of my students who struggles with depression. I listened as she cried. She was unable to speak through her tears, so I asked her if she wanted to text. We did for nearly an hour. I took a risk and shared with her my own story. She was smiling at the end and told me, "Teacher Zita, I like your stories. It helps me understand myself"
Maybe I will blog about the tomorrow. But now, a lime Outshine popsicle is calling my name!
I hear rumors that the heat wave will dissipate in a day or two. The end is near. Go forth and conquer!
Stay cool friends,
Zita :)
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