Year Four, Day 336: Marching In Spirit: Thoughts from the Void

"We honor him... not because he was perfect, but because when he took his last breath, the rest of us will now be able to breathe..."

 ~Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner at George Floyd's funeral service in Houston, Texas. 

"As a rich black man living in this country, it's hard being comfy 
When the hate yo people get is coming from the ones amongst me 
Used to call us monkeys And slaves and we overcame 
Still our work is just beginning, protests look like parades… 
I ain't even tripping on how the season decided Racism pandemic is years ahead of the virus 
Really mean it but they going to try to play us as tyrants
 Look, Ali wasn't the greatest just cause his hands work Frontline for his people, t
his was a man's work 
Before he let the black people down he let the fans hurt 
So if the stars is aligned, that mean it can work 
Don't need approval, 
I've always been doing God's work" 

from "Blacklist" by Damian Lillard 

Hello Friends:

So much is going on in this world. I had vowed to take a "curfew" from the news and social media each evening, opting for Qi Gong, books, and music. But today, being a bit of a day off for me, I have been glued to the internet! Since we are approaching 9:00 p.m., I will keep this brief. Just a check in.


Today was the funeral of George Floyd, in Houston. It is also the 12th night of protests in Portland, Oregon. Yesterday, amazingly the protestors closed down I-84. I had goosebumps up and down my arms as I watched a mass of peaceful protestors walk up and down the freeway that so many drivers avoid, due to heavy traffic. The only traffic last night was foot traffic. Also in the news, the Portland chief of police, Jami Resch resigned Monday. She is replaced by Chuck Lovell, a black lieutenant. Police reform is big news today in our country.

I just spoke with my son on the phone from prison. I told him when he is released in January, the world will be a different place. And we hope better. I only wish these protests were happening in non-pandemic times. I notice most of the protestors are wearing masks, but social distancing is nearly impossible with such large crowds. If I were not one of the vulnerable, due to my age and lung condition, I would be marching alongside them. But I am marching in spirit. And I am opening my mind to possibility. This change is a long time coming. Change is not easy. It is not for the weak. I know.

I am trying to make changes within myself. Changes in my body, mind, spirit and self esteem. Social change is even more difficult. We do not all agree on many things. But one thing I hope that comes out of this, is that black lives do matter. Not more than white lives. But equally. I am devoting the rest of my time in isolation to self care. I felt myself slipping into the dark void. But I am pulling myself out. The only way I can make a difference in my world is to begin with me. I hope to emerge better, stronger, and more compassionate.

I took a day off this weekend as I felt the tension rise within me. I was home alone. So I ordered comfort food and watched a movie. An Impossible Burger, fries, Diet Coke and "Rocket Man". Elton John was the musician who reached the black pit of my teenage angst. I felt his music in my soul when it felt like noone else cared and nothing else mattered. I was moved to tears to learn that he suffered as a child in a dysfunctional family and then as a young adult coming out and in an abusive relationship. All through the movie, his songs reflected his inner world. And happily, there was a happy ending. So in honor of the man whose music saved my soul, I added his album of greatest hits to my "Self Care" playlist. And today I took an extra walk in the park, just to listen to his raw, but warm voice over the lush piano chords. And my soul responded. It was what I needed.

 I wrote yesterday about "Crisis Fatigue". Yes, I am tired. I am raw. I am irritable. But I am committed to change. And I would prefer to be in this state of agitation than to be in state of ignorance and apathy.

We cannot make change unless each of us, individually are the change.



Talk to you tomorrow.

Love,

Zita