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Year Four, Day 275: I'm Back! And You Are Not Alone!

 Hello My Friends!

It is me, Zita. Your long lost blogger!

Today is the first day in nearly a month that I have actually felt like myself.  My good, calm, balanced, joyful, clear self.  

It took some digging, clawing and many tears to get here.  Plus a few counseling sessions and some introspection.

Oh yeah, and removing of the gluten, yet again.  

Why do I feel so embarrassed to admit that I struggle with depression? You know, if there is one thing I hope to accomplish with this blog, is to be as transparent as humanly possible. So that my experience could help someone else who struggles with depression know that they are not alone.

You are not alone. Depression is real. 

And I think many have joined our ranks since the beginning of the pandemic, nearly a year ago. 

But if you can trust the media, the end is in sight. Now that the vaccines have appeared.  I am remaining silent and observant during this time.  I frankly am hesitant to believe anything I see in the news these days.

One thing that I can focus on is myself.  First of all my physical health.  Starting with, yet again my diet.

Can you see the difference in my face?  This is me today. I am getting ready to give my first piano student Zoom recital!  I stopped eating wheat a few days ago. I drank a ton of water and tea. Upped the veggies and a bit of fruit. Back on my intermittent fasting. 

Me today, 12/16/2020


Me 11/20/2020



Compared to roughly a month ago.  My face doesn't look too poofy, but note the darkly blank look in my eyes.  I can see the pain. Not sure if anyone else can?

Don't get me wrong. I was not completely down, laying on my bed depressed for the last month. I just struggled.  I could feel the dark cloud. I managed to break through each day. Some days were easier than others.  Most of the time, my work, my family and my boyfriend brought a ray of sunshine.  

But depression is not just a feeling. To me it is also physical.  Fatigue, sore muscles, a tiredness behind my eyes, and a proclivity to negative thoughts come over me.  I can observe my state of being. If I stay busy, and active, I can rise above. But it is like my own private rain cloud blocking the sun.

Did I ever tell you the story of the day I was walking home from the grocery store and it began to rain. I put up my umbrella and walked a bit before I noticed no one else had their umbrellas up. In fact no one else was getting rained on. I looked up and saw a cloud over my head. My own private rain cloud! I noticed a young man looking at me oddly. I asked him if he saw my rain cloud. He nodded and hurried off.

Moments like those we never forget.

Anyway, back to what I believe is one of the keys to managing my depression. Diet.  I know I have posted about gluten and depression before.  

I'll be right back..


I found it! My post just over a year ago, concerning gluten intolerance and depression:

https://soulrunnings.blogspot.com/2019/09/year-four-day-193-bread-i-will-miss-you.html

Secondly, my physical activity. Thankfully, the man in my life enjoys walking with me. When we spend time together, my favorite moments have been our long walks in the neighborhood. Holding hands. Talking. Just enjoying being in each other's presence.

He has been very comforting during my dark spells.  And very supportive when I get anxious about learning new technology for my teaching online.  He is my biggest fan!

Speaking of which, I paused the post to actually host my Zoom recital. And it was glorious!  Not only am I feeling light, calm and happy, but I am now feeling ecstatic from relief. 

The Zoom recital was incredible! I am so proud of my students.  I must say here, as much as I struggle with painful social anxiety, low self esteem and depression, I EXCEL at teaching, performing and hosting recitals.  

It is my forte, pun intended!

So, yes. I am back.  I won't guarantee I won't crash and disappear again.  Such is my life.  But for now I am happy and very, very grateful for my little niche in life.

Happy Wednesday! I hope to talk to you again soon!

Oh, and by the way, I have not been keeping up with hooping. I need to get back to that. I have just been tired, achy and cold.

Tommorow I begin again.

But I did manage to make it 300 days of hooping. And here the video to prove it!











Love,

Zita












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