Year Four, Day 66: The "Knot" of Not Knowing

Still praying.

Still putting one foot in front of the other.  Teaching, caring for my granddaughter, doing legal research online.

But what I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. For a very long time.

I told my family member in crisis that we are all praying for him and doing what we can for him here on the outside.

I am still emailing nuns, and some monks all over the world.

The following is from the website of the Dominican Nuns:

"As contemplative nuns, our primary duty for the Church is prayer.  If you have a prayer request, simply enter it in the form below.  Upon receiving it, we will post it on our prayer board outside of our Choir for all the nuns to see.

Thank you for entrusting your needs and petitions to our prayers! We take them all to Jesus through Mary during Mass,  our hours of the Divine Office, Adoration and Rosary!

God bless you!
The Dominican Nuns"

https://www.summitdominicans.org/prayer-requests/ 

I feel strengthened knowing women and men who have taken vows to give their whole lives to God, and their "primary duty is prayer" are praying for my family member.

Each day we learn more. But there are still many unknowns. And isn't that the most difficult concept to grasp when there is any kind of tragedy? The not knowing.

At first I typed the "knot knowing". I instantly corrected it. Then I smiled a bit.  

The not knowing produces a knot. In the pit of my stomach, in my heart and deep in my soul.

My mind lures me into fast forwarding into all of the what if's. And shames me into the should have's and could have's.

But through prayer, and family and friends I am staying right here in the moment.  

I am encouraging him to do the same. He has nothing but time where he is. Time to reflect.  Time to grow.  Time to learn from his mistake. 

My heart was warmed to hear that he is praying.  For all involved in this situation.

In my youth, I wanted to believe everyone on this planet had some good inside. Sometimes it was buried deep.  

I've come to see that most people have a lot of good inside. Not everyone.  I wish it were so.  But with most of the people operating from a place of good, they can instantly react or make a decision that effects them, and others permanently.

I pray that this situation will be resolved for the good of all.  

And that this knot of not knowing will unravel to bring peace, love and insight to all involved.

Now I feel some more prayer requests to nuns and monks calling me.

Talk soon.

Love,

Zita