I had a good night's sleep last night. I cherish these. I feel rather balanced today. Not too high, not too low.
I actually inquired about counseling yesterday. I was feeling a pressing weight on my chest, tears behind my eyes, and a cloud of gloom over my head. It helped to blog. It helped to stop at Starbucks and get a free grande black coffee that I used my rewards for. I must thank Starbucks for giving me incentive on low days.
I was walking to a student's house. I was early. I felt like I needed to talk to someone. But I don't really have anyone in my life that I choose to burden. I have burdened all of my family members to the point that they not only get a glazed look in their eyes, but they actually tell me to stop because I'm "being weird again".
And I know I'm begin weird. But there is something to be said for venting. I suppose that is the purpose of this blog. Venting without inflicting pain.
I should provide a disclaimer: No persons were harmed in the act of venting through this blog! (I hope!)
So, there I was. Walking. Feeling the need to vent. I actually looked up crisis lines. But then I felt silly. Embarrassed even. I was not suicidal. I never have been, really. I just get low. I get the blues.
My coping mechanisms in the past have been food, beer, calling to a friend, crying alone on my bed, blasting country or blues music loudly, cry walking (this is one of my favorites, but is best done in solitude), cry praying (another favorite, but again, in solitude).
But yesterday I did not have the luxury of solitude. I was working. And my walks in in very public parts of Portland.
So I called my insurance plan and inquired about mental health services. Wow! The man that answered the phone was so soothing, I wish I could have just talked to him for an hour. He started out asking if I was suicidal or considering harming myself or anyone else. He instantly apologized. "I'm sorry", he said in his soothing voice. "I am required to ask that question of everyone who calls".
I assured him I wasn't.
"Just a little depressed", I said. At which point I noticed my mood lifting. Maybe I just needed to hear the sound of a kind, friendly, soothing voice.
He gave me a few numbers and wished me luck. I thanked him and hung up.
I was almost at my student's house at that point. And feeling a lot better.
I decided to wait until tomorrow to call about mental health.
The funniest thing happened at my student's house. She is a high school junior. Busy with many activities. Didn't have much time to practice since I saw her last. So we started her lesson out by just talking. She told me about an ice skating competition coming up. She groaned when I asked her if she had any school projects due.
"Don't ask", she said, dropping her head down.
Then she suddenly looked up and grinned. "Do you watch Game of Thrones?" she asked.
I told her not one single episode.
"I've been watching it lately", she said. "I don't want to spoil it for you, but I just watched the final episode".
At that point her dad came in the room. "Don't!", he warned.
I told them I would probably not watch it, but maybe she should not spoil it for me. Just in case.
My student look distraught.
"I really need to talk to someone about this", she said quietly.
My heart nearly stopped. I recalled my depressed walk just before I talked to the mental health dude. Only about 15 minutes prior. I had said nearly the exact same words to myself before placing the call.
I looked at her and said, "I sometimes feel like I need to just talk to someone too. I get it".
She smiled. Then she asked if I would stay for dinner. "My dad's making stir fried pork and greens".
It sounded wonderful. I heard the oil sizzle in the pan from the kitchen. If I had a sense of smell, I'm sure I would have been inhaling deeply.
I told her I'd love to, but just a small plate. I didn't want to eat much of their dinner.
"My mom and dad always make extra", she assured me.
At that point, I felt a healing surge of joy. I showed her how to play some of the pieces in her lesson book like a "fake sheet". I wrote in the chords for the left hand and had her just play the melody. She was very pleased.
And let me tell you about that pork: Sublime! It practically melted in my mouth. He had sauteed mustard greens with bite sized pieces of pork. They put their's over noodles. I had mine without the noodles.
After her lesson, I headed up to the music center for choir practice. And had yet another surge of joy. We are preparing for a concert. The director had the choir come on stage as we ran through the entire program. Last week, everything sounded rough. And my asthma was attacking me full force. I had just started my new inhaler, and the only way to describe my state of mind is loopy.
But I felt clear and very focused last night. After we ran the program, the director told the choir they sang quite well. They smiled. Then he turned to me and said, "Zita, you especially played especially well tonight. A lot of expression, supporting the vocalists beautifully."
I love it when they can feel when I'm "into" my music.
I don't usually speak aloud much in choir practice. Shy me. But something stirred in me.
I told the director that the choir was singing so well, that I was able to relax take it up to the next level.
"It's like riding a carnival a ride", I said for lack of a better analogy.
They got it thought. I saw many smiling faces nod their heads.
As much as I claim to be an introvert, this community of musicians connects me to humanity.
It may be the cure for my blues.
I will probably still make a counseling appointment though. It will come back around, I am sure. And when it does, I hope to have someone to vent to!
On that note, I wish you a happy Wednesday!
I did not get up early enough to do a Qi Gong/hoop workout, so no video today. Perhaps I will just call this a day of rest. As I get stronger, I plan on adding weights and treadmill at the gym. Along with a long soak in the Jacuzzi!
That may have to wait until mid June. This is recital season, so I must focus on the music!
Talk soon!
Love,
Zita
I actually inquired about counseling yesterday. I was feeling a pressing weight on my chest, tears behind my eyes, and a cloud of gloom over my head. It helped to blog. It helped to stop at Starbucks and get a free grande black coffee that I used my rewards for. I must thank Starbucks for giving me incentive on low days.
I was walking to a student's house. I was early. I felt like I needed to talk to someone. But I don't really have anyone in my life that I choose to burden. I have burdened all of my family members to the point that they not only get a glazed look in their eyes, but they actually tell me to stop because I'm "being weird again".
And I know I'm begin weird. But there is something to be said for venting. I suppose that is the purpose of this blog. Venting without inflicting pain.
I should provide a disclaimer: No persons were harmed in the act of venting through this blog! (I hope!)
So, there I was. Walking. Feeling the need to vent. I actually looked up crisis lines. But then I felt silly. Embarrassed even. I was not suicidal. I never have been, really. I just get low. I get the blues.
My coping mechanisms in the past have been food, beer, calling to a friend, crying alone on my bed, blasting country or blues music loudly, cry walking (this is one of my favorites, but is best done in solitude), cry praying (another favorite, but again, in solitude).
But yesterday I did not have the luxury of solitude. I was working. And my walks in in very public parts of Portland.
So I called my insurance plan and inquired about mental health services. Wow! The man that answered the phone was so soothing, I wish I could have just talked to him for an hour. He started out asking if I was suicidal or considering harming myself or anyone else. He instantly apologized. "I'm sorry", he said in his soothing voice. "I am required to ask that question of everyone who calls".
I assured him I wasn't.
"Just a little depressed", I said. At which point I noticed my mood lifting. Maybe I just needed to hear the sound of a kind, friendly, soothing voice.
He gave me a few numbers and wished me luck. I thanked him and hung up.
I was almost at my student's house at that point. And feeling a lot better.
I decided to wait until tomorrow to call about mental health.
The funniest thing happened at my student's house. She is a high school junior. Busy with many activities. Didn't have much time to practice since I saw her last. So we started her lesson out by just talking. She told me about an ice skating competition coming up. She groaned when I asked her if she had any school projects due.
"Don't ask", she said, dropping her head down.
Then she suddenly looked up and grinned. "Do you watch Game of Thrones?" she asked.
I told her not one single episode.
"I've been watching it lately", she said. "I don't want to spoil it for you, but I just watched the final episode".
At that point her dad came in the room. "Don't!", he warned.
I told them I would probably not watch it, but maybe she should not spoil it for me. Just in case.
My student look distraught.
"I really need to talk to someone about this", she said quietly.
My heart nearly stopped. I recalled my depressed walk just before I talked to the mental health dude. Only about 15 minutes prior. I had said nearly the exact same words to myself before placing the call.
I looked at her and said, "I sometimes feel like I need to just talk to someone too. I get it".
She smiled. Then she asked if I would stay for dinner. "My dad's making stir fried pork and greens".
It sounded wonderful. I heard the oil sizzle in the pan from the kitchen. If I had a sense of smell, I'm sure I would have been inhaling deeply.
I told her I'd love to, but just a small plate. I didn't want to eat much of their dinner.
"My mom and dad always make extra", she assured me.
At that point, I felt a healing surge of joy. I showed her how to play some of the pieces in her lesson book like a "fake sheet". I wrote in the chords for the left hand and had her just play the melody. She was very pleased.
And let me tell you about that pork: Sublime! It practically melted in my mouth. He had sauteed mustard greens with bite sized pieces of pork. They put their's over noodles. I had mine without the noodles.
After her lesson, I headed up to the music center for choir practice. And had yet another surge of joy. We are preparing for a concert. The director had the choir come on stage as we ran through the entire program. Last week, everything sounded rough. And my asthma was attacking me full force. I had just started my new inhaler, and the only way to describe my state of mind is loopy.
But I felt clear and very focused last night. After we ran the program, the director told the choir they sang quite well. They smiled. Then he turned to me and said, "Zita, you especially played especially well tonight. A lot of expression, supporting the vocalists beautifully."
I love it when they can feel when I'm "into" my music.
I don't usually speak aloud much in choir practice. Shy me. But something stirred in me.
I told the director that the choir was singing so well, that I was able to relax take it up to the next level.
"It's like riding a carnival a ride", I said for lack of a better analogy.
They got it thought. I saw many smiling faces nod their heads.
As much as I claim to be an introvert, this community of musicians connects me to humanity.
It may be the cure for my blues.
I will probably still make a counseling appointment though. It will come back around, I am sure. And when it does, I hope to have someone to vent to!
On that note, I wish you a happy Wednesday!
I did not get up early enough to do a Qi Gong/hoop workout, so no video today. Perhaps I will just call this a day of rest. As I get stronger, I plan on adding weights and treadmill at the gym. Along with a long soak in the Jacuzzi!
That may have to wait until mid June. This is recital season, so I must focus on the music!
Talk soon!
Love,
Zita
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