I had a follow-up appointment with my primary care physician today. The ER doctor recommended it.
However, I forget to request the nurse practitioner when I made the appointment.
I had a vague, uneasy feeling when I entered the clinic and I saw the male doctor sitting behind the counter. The male doctor who had been so dismissive of my symptoms in the past. The male doctor had done hardly anything except for continue to prescribe Prednisone.
Oy. My head started to throb. My jaw clenched.
My TMJ joint is inflammed again. I made the mistake of thinking I was greatly improved. On the bus, I started feeling restless and anxious. I started stretching my neck. And messing with my jaw. I poked at it. I opened my mouth wide several times to clear my ears. I felt it pop. Then I felt it start to tightened up. Like labor contractions.
No, not again, I told myself! I started to do some deep breathing. I imagined the muscles and tendons in my jaw loosen.
It is definitely not as inflamed as last week. And I have been doing some good pondering today. I'm wondering if my quest for health is a little futile. Like Ponce de Leon searching for the fountain of youth.
Many people have lived with much worse conditions. And much worse pain.
Perhaps I am the type of patient every doctor dreads. An overweight hypochondriac. I mean, my chart still labels me "obese".
Maybe I can see my TMJ pain as a blessing. I am really not as interested in eating. It has created this big gaping void in my life. I realize so much of my time is usually spent on deciding what my next meal is going to be and where I am going to eat it. While I eat, I often read recipes for future meals. Afterwards, I often relive the experience.
Not so much lately though. Really not so much since I lost my sense of smell.
So, perhaps this really is God's sense of humor after all. I can't smell, so my appetite is low. My taste, I am sure is altered as well. Now I can't chew crunchy or chewy foods without pain.
I wonder if this anxiety and low grade fear I am feeling is not for my health, but is for this big gaping void that less eating and obsession around food has left.
It must indeed be an addiction, if the absence of it fills me with fear.
The comfort I received from food has lasted me most of a lifetime. But it has created health problems as well.
Now that I have lost a few pounds, I notice I am feeling lighter of step. Just imagine if I lost the 50 pounds that I have been carrying around for about 20 years!
Anyway, I decided to give the doctor a chance. I greeted him with a smile. I told him about my ER visit. I told him about my painful jaw.
He peered at me over the top of his spectacles.
"Use ice", he said matter of factly.
I instantly felt more respect for him. Little did he know how much research I have done on TMJ. One thing I have not done much of is ice.
I pretended to be surprise.
"Oh!" I said. "I've been using warm compresses, but no ice!".
He told me heat is good for chronic pain, but ice is best for acute pain. I remembered my work for a chiropractor years ago. He said the same thing. But he suggested alternating ice and moist heat. Always ending with the ice.
"Ice reduces inflammation", said my doctor most profoundly.
"What about Ibuprofen?" I asked. "I hesitate to take too much Ibruprofen or Acetominaphen. It's damaging to the liver, right?"
"Don't worry about that", he said. "You can take 2,000 mg a day for 10 days for acute pain without damaging your liver."
I felt skeptical, but nodded my head.
"I can hear you're congested", he said. "Take Flonase and use a saline nasal rinse". He seemed to be about to dismiss me. I had more questions, but thought it might be wise to leave on a positive note. Plus, I have a CPAP appointment next week and an ENT appointment after that. Enough is enough.
"Thank you", I smiled. "I am definitely going to use the ice. Good suggestion!"
He didn't smile. But he reached out and shook my hand.
"Have a nice day", he muttered as he quickly exited.
I left feeling a bit dejected. But then I talked to myself. Did I really want something serious to be wrong with me?
I mean we don't get out of this life alive, right? I imagine if I ever achieved that place of perfect health, it would be short lived.
The best thing I can do is keep a positive attitude. The last few days I noticed that I forget about my symptoms when I am teaching piano. I have some incredible students! Today was my last day teaching at the community center I have been teaching at in outer SE Portland. It is a new program where we offer free piano lessons to students in that neighborhood. We get paid though. But the program only runs for the summer.
One of my students, a teenager going into his last year of high school, came to his lesson with a notebook brimming full of questions. He didn't think he was going to be able to continue with lessons because of his age. So he had written out some incredible thought provoking questions to ask me. Most of his lesson was spent in a fascinating discussion.
And it turns out, that the music center will allow him to take lessons there through age 18, I will get him another year!
I told all of my students, that since today was the last day, I would let them have control of the focus of our lesson. I sat and was serenaded by a very diverse group of budding young musicians. That would not have been able to afford them otherwise.
My heart almost burst with pride.
I was thinking about them as I went to my appointment. I realize I have been running on pure adrenaline for at least the past 28 years. Maybe more. All this fear of losing loved ones, being able to support myself and my kids, proving myself as a musician, as a teacher, as a mother...
Maybe it is time to just take a step back.
My priorities are shifting. That's for sure.
Maybe it is not so vital that I fill my food addiction with something. Maybe I can just finally relax and enjoy this life?
Maybe...
I know I need to play music. Exercise. Walk in the forest. Play with my grandchild.
And I can read. I haven't escaped into a good novel for a long time. But ironically today I brought my Kindle with me on the bus. I am getting weary of the internet, of social media and Words with Friends. I find they all make me clench my jaw. So I got out my Kindle and pulled up a book I had downloaded a few months ago. Never Stop Walking: A Memoir of Finding Home Across the World by Christina Rikardsson.
I am hooked.
Here is the blurb from the Amazon page:
However, I forget to request the nurse practitioner when I made the appointment.
I had a vague, uneasy feeling when I entered the clinic and I saw the male doctor sitting behind the counter. The male doctor who had been so dismissive of my symptoms in the past. The male doctor had done hardly anything except for continue to prescribe Prednisone.
Oy. My head started to throb. My jaw clenched.
My TMJ joint is inflammed again. I made the mistake of thinking I was greatly improved. On the bus, I started feeling restless and anxious. I started stretching my neck. And messing with my jaw. I poked at it. I opened my mouth wide several times to clear my ears. I felt it pop. Then I felt it start to tightened up. Like labor contractions.
No, not again, I told myself! I started to do some deep breathing. I imagined the muscles and tendons in my jaw loosen.
It is definitely not as inflamed as last week. And I have been doing some good pondering today. I'm wondering if my quest for health is a little futile. Like Ponce de Leon searching for the fountain of youth.
Many people have lived with much worse conditions. And much worse pain.
Perhaps I am the type of patient every doctor dreads. An overweight hypochondriac. I mean, my chart still labels me "obese".
Maybe I can see my TMJ pain as a blessing. I am really not as interested in eating. It has created this big gaping void in my life. I realize so much of my time is usually spent on deciding what my next meal is going to be and where I am going to eat it. While I eat, I often read recipes for future meals. Afterwards, I often relive the experience.
Not so much lately though. Really not so much since I lost my sense of smell.
So, perhaps this really is God's sense of humor after all. I can't smell, so my appetite is low. My taste, I am sure is altered as well. Now I can't chew crunchy or chewy foods without pain.
I wonder if this anxiety and low grade fear I am feeling is not for my health, but is for this big gaping void that less eating and obsession around food has left.
It must indeed be an addiction, if the absence of it fills me with fear.
The comfort I received from food has lasted me most of a lifetime. But it has created health problems as well.
Now that I have lost a few pounds, I notice I am feeling lighter of step. Just imagine if I lost the 50 pounds that I have been carrying around for about 20 years!
Anyway, I decided to give the doctor a chance. I greeted him with a smile. I told him about my ER visit. I told him about my painful jaw.
He peered at me over the top of his spectacles.
"Use ice", he said matter of factly.
I instantly felt more respect for him. Little did he know how much research I have done on TMJ. One thing I have not done much of is ice.
I pretended to be surprise.
"Oh!" I said. "I've been using warm compresses, but no ice!".
He told me heat is good for chronic pain, but ice is best for acute pain. I remembered my work for a chiropractor years ago. He said the same thing. But he suggested alternating ice and moist heat. Always ending with the ice.
"Ice reduces inflammation", said my doctor most profoundly.
"What about Ibuprofen?" I asked. "I hesitate to take too much Ibruprofen or Acetominaphen. It's damaging to the liver, right?"
"Don't worry about that", he said. "You can take 2,000 mg a day for 10 days for acute pain without damaging your liver."
I felt skeptical, but nodded my head.
"I can hear you're congested", he said. "Take Flonase and use a saline nasal rinse". He seemed to be about to dismiss me. I had more questions, but thought it might be wise to leave on a positive note. Plus, I have a CPAP appointment next week and an ENT appointment after that. Enough is enough.
"Thank you", I smiled. "I am definitely going to use the ice. Good suggestion!"
He didn't smile. But he reached out and shook my hand.
"Have a nice day", he muttered as he quickly exited.
I left feeling a bit dejected. But then I talked to myself. Did I really want something serious to be wrong with me?
I mean we don't get out of this life alive, right? I imagine if I ever achieved that place of perfect health, it would be short lived.
The best thing I can do is keep a positive attitude. The last few days I noticed that I forget about my symptoms when I am teaching piano. I have some incredible students! Today was my last day teaching at the community center I have been teaching at in outer SE Portland. It is a new program where we offer free piano lessons to students in that neighborhood. We get paid though. But the program only runs for the summer.
One of my students, a teenager going into his last year of high school, came to his lesson with a notebook brimming full of questions. He didn't think he was going to be able to continue with lessons because of his age. So he had written out some incredible thought provoking questions to ask me. Most of his lesson was spent in a fascinating discussion.
And it turns out, that the music center will allow him to take lessons there through age 18, I will get him another year!
I told all of my students, that since today was the last day, I would let them have control of the focus of our lesson. I sat and was serenaded by a very diverse group of budding young musicians. That would not have been able to afford them otherwise.
My heart almost burst with pride.
I was thinking about them as I went to my appointment. I realize I have been running on pure adrenaline for at least the past 28 years. Maybe more. All this fear of losing loved ones, being able to support myself and my kids, proving myself as a musician, as a teacher, as a mother...
Maybe it is time to just take a step back.
My priorities are shifting. That's for sure.
Maybe it is not so vital that I fill my food addiction with something. Maybe I can just finally relax and enjoy this life?
Maybe...
I know I need to play music. Exercise. Walk in the forest. Play with my grandchild.
And I can read. I haven't escaped into a good novel for a long time. But ironically today I brought my Kindle with me on the bus. I am getting weary of the internet, of social media and Words with Friends. I find they all make me clench my jaw. So I got out my Kindle and pulled up a book I had downloaded a few months ago. Never Stop Walking: A Memoir of Finding Home Across the World by Christina Rikardsson.
I am hooked.
Here is the blurb from the Amazon page:
"An extraordinary memoir of one
woman’s fight to find her true self between the life into which she was
born and the one she was given.
Christiana Mara Coelho was born into extreme poverty in Brazil. After spending the first seven years of her life with her loving mother in the forest caves outside São Paulo and then on the city streets, where they begged for food, she and her younger brother were suddenly put up for adoption. When one door closed on the only life Christiana had ever known and on the woman who protected her with all her heart, a new one opened.
As Christina Rickardsson, she’s raised by caring adoptive parents in Sweden, far from the despairing favelas of her childhood. Accomplished and outwardly “normal,” Christina is also filled with rage over what she’s lost and having to adapt to a new reality while struggling with the traumas of her youth. When her world falls apart again as an adult, Christina returns to Brazil to finally confront her past and unlock the truth of what really happened to Christiana Mara Coelho.
A memoir of two selves, Never Stop Walking is the moving story of the profound love between families and one woman’s journey from grief and loss to survival and self-discovery."
https://www.amazon.com/Never-Stop-Walking-Memoir-Finding-ebook/dp/B076VM1PPB
Christiana Mara Coelho was born into extreme poverty in Brazil. After spending the first seven years of her life with her loving mother in the forest caves outside São Paulo and then on the city streets, where they begged for food, she and her younger brother were suddenly put up for adoption. When one door closed on the only life Christiana had ever known and on the woman who protected her with all her heart, a new one opened.
As Christina Rickardsson, she’s raised by caring adoptive parents in Sweden, far from the despairing favelas of her childhood. Accomplished and outwardly “normal,” Christina is also filled with rage over what she’s lost and having to adapt to a new reality while struggling with the traumas of her youth. When her world falls apart again as an adult, Christina returns to Brazil to finally confront her past and unlock the truth of what really happened to Christiana Mara Coelho.
A memoir of two selves, Never Stop Walking is the moving story of the profound love between families and one woman’s journey from grief and loss to survival and self-discovery."
https://www.amazon.com/Never-Stop-Walking-Memoir-Finding-ebook/dp/B076VM1PPB
As I complain about my lack of perfect health, there are approximately 100 million homeless people worldwide (according to a survey in 2005:
And the girl in this book was raised IN A CAVE in Brazil. Her mother attempted to provide for her and her baby brother, amidst snakes and scorpions.
And here I am complaining of health problems due to my overeating.
Shame on me!
What is a little jaw pain when I have a home, a family, a good job? And no snakes and scorpions laying wait in the dark corner?
I have much to think about. Now that my eyes are open!
On that note, I need to start making my way home through the smoke. To my home. Where I have an icepack waiting.
Talk to you tomorrow!
Love,
Zita
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