At last I feel like talking again.
It has been a long time - over a month!
I have been sad, depressed, overwhelmed and anxious.
Such is a woman with an incarcerated loved one.
My family member in crisis. He has been in jail for one month today.
In case you haven't guessed, my FMIC (aka family member in crisis) is my son. I have started a gofundme page for him. It is public knowledge.
My son is doing well, considering. In fact, I often think he is doing better emotionally, physically and spiritually than I am!
I feel like I am on a roller coaster - of the emotional kind!
Every morning my eyes fly open. My heart is usually pounding. I feel a sense of impending doom. I try to breath slowly, sip water and tell myself all is well.
But then I remember. My son is in jail. All is not well!
Although, to tell you truth, it could have been much worse. There are many bright spots to this whole experience.
Yesterday I set up a video visitation with him at the jail. I babysat my granddaughter in the morning. I was exhausted by the time I needed to leave to catch a bus to Portland. I was so busy with my toddling granddaughter, that I did not charge my cell phone. So when I got to Portland, I headed to the library to return some DVD's, check email and charge up. But it was charging slowly. I wanted to grab a bite to eat and maybe hit the gym before visitation.
It turns out I did not need the gym. I grabbed a taco, tried to charge my phone some more and then panic set in. My phone would be dead soon. The closest bus stop to the jail was a mile walk. I though perhaps I could charge my phone at the Wendy's at that stop and order a Lyft ride. But my phone was charging uber (pun intended!) slowly.
I was worried because his girlfriend had misplaced her ID. She might not be able to get in to see him. If I was late and she was denied access, my boy would be sitting forlornly at the video kiosk with no visitors.
I told myself I was doing the best I could. But the thought wrenched my heart. So I told myself I would just have to run a mile in 12 minutes. With a backpack on my back!
I hopped on the bus. It was a very slow moving bus. It turns out he was early. He stopped at all the stops along the way, even got out at a Max stop to chew the breeze with some fellow drivers.
I was trying not to curse him. But becoming increasingly impatient.
Then I took a deep breath. I have been telling my son that he needs to stay positive and patient through this process.
I need to take my own advice.
Finally we arrived at my stop. I switched on my batlight, hopped off the bus and jogged all the way to the Inverness Jail driveway. My chest was starting to hurt. I had 2 minutes. I would be late. I could not call anyone. I took another deep breath. I would not be any use to anyone if I died of a heart attack!
Suddenly I saw a car driving slowly toward me, the headlights blasting me in the face. I shielded my eyes to see if I recognized the car. It pulled over.
"There you are!", exclaimed two familiar female voices. "We were so worried. We've been calling and calling. This isn't like you!"
It was my son's mom and girlfriend. They got turned away since his girlfriend couldn't find her ID. They waiting for me (I usually arrive about 30 minutes early and write him a note and an inspirational bible verse on the inmate memo), but when I didn't show and I didn't answer my phone, they set out to find me.
"Hop in", said the mom.
I did. They got me there just in time!
It was kind of nice to have a whole visit alone with my son. It is on video, but I could see his dorm behind him. His fellow inmates walking in circles, sitting at tables. The camera lights turned on immediately after I put in my code.
The video showed his dorm. But not my son. Suddenly I saw him walking toward the camera. He waved. I waved.
He sat down and said hello. But he looked very sad. I asked him if he missed his girlfriend. He said he did and he was having a hard time staying positive. Some of the other inmates had been tormenting him.
We talked for awhile. I told him to keep himself busy. He has many classes lined up this week. He told me about the snacks he ordered from commissary. Some of his fellow inmates and him do a "spread" each week where they share their commissary and have a commissary smorgasboard. They never seemed to get enough to eat, so they ordered tortillas, pork rinds, cheese, etc. and made burritos. They often would try and save a bit of meat from dinner to add to the concoction.
My son brightened up a bit as he shared this with me. I told him they were thinking of clever ways to rise above their situation. He nodded. He told me he and some of his new friends were working out too. And playing basketball.
"But Mom", he said leaning forward and whispering. "You've got to get me out of here!"
I told him we were working on it. I told him about all our friends and family and parent of my students that had donated. His eyes teared up as he told me to thank them all and tell them he would pay them all back.
Then I told him the story of my racing like mad in the dark, with a backpack on my back and a batlight to light the way so I wouldn't miss his visit. I told him how his girlfriend and her mom picked me up.
He smiled then. He asked me if they were o.k. If his girlfriend was disappointed not to see him.
I told him she was. But she would get a new ID this week. And they could talk on the phone later.
The clock was winding down. I asked him his class schedule for the week. I told him I was proud of him and we all loved him. He smiled. We said our goodbye's and love you's.
The screen went blank.
I stood up. I figured I would hoof it back to the Wendy's and have a cup of tea. They had outlets. I could charge my phone while I did my bible study and journaling. And knitting. I've finally mastered the circular loom!
As I headed toward the door, a man and woman stopped me. They told me they overheard my conversation.
"We are driving you to your bus stop", said the man.
I didn't hesitate. I accepted. I felt only goodwill from them.
He told me years ago, his own mama took the bus and walked the road to Inverness to visit him.
"It's the least I could do", he smiled.
We introduced ourselves. They told me they had 13 kids. 22 grandkids!
"Two of those kids are in jail. Not bad odds!", he smiled.
I nodded. The ride was too short. I really like these people. I told them my son's name. They told me their son's name.
"I will pray for your son", I said as I got out of the car. The wife smiled back and grabbed my hand.
"We will be praying for you and your son too!", she smiled and squeezed my hand.
I walked toward Wendy's and wiped away a tear. A tear of joy.
I hope to get back to regular blogging. It sure helps me makes sense of everything.
Until next time,
May your day be blessed.
Love,
Zita
p.s. Here is the link to our gofundme page if you would like to help:
Please Help Our Family
It has been a long time - over a month!
I have been sad, depressed, overwhelmed and anxious.
Such is a woman with an incarcerated loved one.
My family member in crisis. He has been in jail for one month today.
In case you haven't guessed, my FMIC (aka family member in crisis) is my son. I have started a gofundme page for him. It is public knowledge.
My son is doing well, considering. In fact, I often think he is doing better emotionally, physically and spiritually than I am!
I feel like I am on a roller coaster - of the emotional kind!
Every morning my eyes fly open. My heart is usually pounding. I feel a sense of impending doom. I try to breath slowly, sip water and tell myself all is well.
But then I remember. My son is in jail. All is not well!
Although, to tell you truth, it could have been much worse. There are many bright spots to this whole experience.
- He is alive.
- He is clean and sober.
- He hasn't had a cigarette in over 30 days.
- He has full time job waiting for him when he gets out.
- He has been taking classes.
- He has been praying.
- He has been going to AA.
- He has been humbled.
- He is examining his life.
- He has told me many times that how much he loves his family, girlfriend, friends.
- He has begun to appreciate freedom.
Yesterday I set up a video visitation with him at the jail. I babysat my granddaughter in the morning. I was exhausted by the time I needed to leave to catch a bus to Portland. I was so busy with my toddling granddaughter, that I did not charge my cell phone. So when I got to Portland, I headed to the library to return some DVD's, check email and charge up. But it was charging slowly. I wanted to grab a bite to eat and maybe hit the gym before visitation.
It turns out I did not need the gym. I grabbed a taco, tried to charge my phone some more and then panic set in. My phone would be dead soon. The closest bus stop to the jail was a mile walk. I though perhaps I could charge my phone at the Wendy's at that stop and order a Lyft ride. But my phone was charging uber (pun intended!) slowly.
I was worried because his girlfriend had misplaced her ID. She might not be able to get in to see him. If I was late and she was denied access, my boy would be sitting forlornly at the video kiosk with no visitors.
I told myself I was doing the best I could. But the thought wrenched my heart. So I told myself I would just have to run a mile in 12 minutes. With a backpack on my back!
I hopped on the bus. It was a very slow moving bus. It turns out he was early. He stopped at all the stops along the way, even got out at a Max stop to chew the breeze with some fellow drivers.
I was trying not to curse him. But becoming increasingly impatient.
Then I took a deep breath. I have been telling my son that he needs to stay positive and patient through this process.
I need to take my own advice.
Finally we arrived at my stop. I switched on my batlight, hopped off the bus and jogged all the way to the Inverness Jail driveway. My chest was starting to hurt. I had 2 minutes. I would be late. I could not call anyone. I took another deep breath. I would not be any use to anyone if I died of a heart attack!
Suddenly I saw a car driving slowly toward me, the headlights blasting me in the face. I shielded my eyes to see if I recognized the car. It pulled over.
"There you are!", exclaimed two familiar female voices. "We were so worried. We've been calling and calling. This isn't like you!"
It was my son's mom and girlfriend. They got turned away since his girlfriend couldn't find her ID. They waiting for me (I usually arrive about 30 minutes early and write him a note and an inspirational bible verse on the inmate memo), but when I didn't show and I didn't answer my phone, they set out to find me.
"Hop in", said the mom.
I did. They got me there just in time!
It was kind of nice to have a whole visit alone with my son. It is on video, but I could see his dorm behind him. His fellow inmates walking in circles, sitting at tables. The camera lights turned on immediately after I put in my code.
The video showed his dorm. But not my son. Suddenly I saw him walking toward the camera. He waved. I waved.
He sat down and said hello. But he looked very sad. I asked him if he missed his girlfriend. He said he did and he was having a hard time staying positive. Some of the other inmates had been tormenting him.
We talked for awhile. I told him to keep himself busy. He has many classes lined up this week. He told me about the snacks he ordered from commissary. Some of his fellow inmates and him do a "spread" each week where they share their commissary and have a commissary smorgasboard. They never seemed to get enough to eat, so they ordered tortillas, pork rinds, cheese, etc. and made burritos. They often would try and save a bit of meat from dinner to add to the concoction.
My son brightened up a bit as he shared this with me. I told him they were thinking of clever ways to rise above their situation. He nodded. He told me he and some of his new friends were working out too. And playing basketball.
"But Mom", he said leaning forward and whispering. "You've got to get me out of here!"
I told him we were working on it. I told him about all our friends and family and parent of my students that had donated. His eyes teared up as he told me to thank them all and tell them he would pay them all back.
Then I told him the story of my racing like mad in the dark, with a backpack on my back and a batlight to light the way so I wouldn't miss his visit. I told him how his girlfriend and her mom picked me up.
He smiled then. He asked me if they were o.k. If his girlfriend was disappointed not to see him.
I told him she was. But she would get a new ID this week. And they could talk on the phone later.
The clock was winding down. I asked him his class schedule for the week. I told him I was proud of him and we all loved him. He smiled. We said our goodbye's and love you's.
The screen went blank.
I stood up. I figured I would hoof it back to the Wendy's and have a cup of tea. They had outlets. I could charge my phone while I did my bible study and journaling. And knitting. I've finally mastered the circular loom!
As I headed toward the door, a man and woman stopped me. They told me they overheard my conversation.
"We are driving you to your bus stop", said the man.
I didn't hesitate. I accepted. I felt only goodwill from them.
He told me years ago, his own mama took the bus and walked the road to Inverness to visit him.
"It's the least I could do", he smiled.
We introduced ourselves. They told me they had 13 kids. 22 grandkids!
"Two of those kids are in jail. Not bad odds!", he smiled.
I nodded. The ride was too short. I really like these people. I told them my son's name. They told me their son's name.
"I will pray for your son", I said as I got out of the car. The wife smiled back and grabbed my hand.
"We will be praying for you and your son too!", she smiled and squeezed my hand.
I walked toward Wendy's and wiped away a tear. A tear of joy.
I hope to get back to regular blogging. It sure helps me makes sense of everything.
Until next time,
May your day be blessed.
Love,
Zita
p.s. Here is the link to our gofundme page if you would like to help:
Please Help Our Family
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