I am always looking for the glimmer of light in the darkness. If nothing else, our difficulties can bring a lesson or simple be a hurdle to clear to a much better place.
Or we can find the humor.
I found it Saturday. At Plaid Pantry.
I was so pleased with myself. I had gotten out of bed early enough to grab a $1 breakfast burrito from the Taco Bell at my bus stop. All the buses were on time and synchronized, so I was also able to grab a large $1 at McDonald's before my teaching shift.
So I decided to stop at Plaid Pantry down the street from the music center where I teach. They often have really good sales at the cash register. I was hoping for something not too unhealthy for my break.
I was standing in line with my gummy candies, when the door flew open. It was cold and windy on Saturday. A man about my age seemed to blow into the store. He saw me looking at him and smile and nodded. I smiled back.
I was in a good mood. Early for work. And within my daily food budget. I had also packed a lunch for later, so I was in a good space.
I was next in line when the wind blown man got in line behind me.
He started a casual conversation. Something about the weather. I responded with a smile.
"Dang, you're pretty", he burst out.
I looked at him slightly shocked.
"Thank you!", I said.
He asked me what I was up to. He was friendly and seemed harmless. I told him I was a piano teacher on my way to work.
"I knew!" He exclaimed. "I told myself you were a teacher the way you were smiling and greeting everyone".
I chuckled again as I paid for my candy.
I waved goodbye to him. "You made me day", I said over my shoulder.
I put my hood over my head and pushed the door against the harsh wind and started climbing up the hill to work.
About halfway up, I dug in my bag for a gummy candy. Then I heard a car engine idled beside me.
I looked up to see the wind blown man. In a van. What we used to call a "creeper van" back in high school.
I furrowed my brow. Thought maybe he was lost. He rolled down his window.
"Excuse me, Ma'am", he said smiling. "Don't want to be rude. But I'd like to see you again. Can I have your number?"
Without thinking, I said, "I am too busy. I have a grandbaby and a son in prison!"
His eyes widened. He gunned the engine. And with a whoosh, he sped off.
I stood there chewing my gummy. Then I burst out laughing! I've been feeling so overwhelmed with my life lately. Feeling sorry for my son and for myself.
But suddenly there was humor!
When there is humor, I feel like everything is going to be o.k.
On the more serious side, I have a long history of being followed by "creepers". Must be my Eeyore personality. But now that I am approached 57, I had not been hit on in a long time. This man did not feel threatening to me. On the contrary, he was friendly. I enjoyed our interaction.
But I really have no time or energy for leisure, entertainment or dating. I'm o.k. with it.
And now I've found the perfect response!
That was Saturday. Today is Tuesday. I stopped at McDonald's again. For a large coffee. Usually I have a soundtrack going in my head. Often it is a piece I am working on for the choir or an upcoming concert. Sometimes, annoyingly it is a random song I heard in the supermarket or from a movie I watch with my granddaughter.
It is sometimes difficult to find myself beneath the soundtrack. It is like a buffer for what I am feeling or what I don't want to think about. It is accompanied by a feeling of anxiety and sometimes of impending doom.
But today at McDonald's as I sat to sip my coffee, the soundtrack stopped. Suddenly there was silence. I took a deep breath. I looked around me. This particular McDonald's is in the middle of downtown Portland. Homeless people often sleep on the sidewalk right outside the door. It was raining, dark and dreary outside. "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" was blasting through the speakers. But no one looked particularly happy.
Many sad faces. Many cold, dirty people. I suddenly realized that my life, although stressful right now was a good life. My son, although in jail, was alive and healthy. Clean and sober! Taking classes, praying, reading and missing his family.
We might not get him out before Christmas. But that is o.k. In my heart I celebrate Christmas as the birth of my savior, Jesus Christ. I love the scripture describing his birth.
But the frenzied shopping, tinsle, "Fa-la-la's" and "Ho-ho-ho's" long ago stopped affecting me.
Truthfully, the commercial side of Christmas has usually depressed me. I know my son wants to be home for Christmas. He wants to be free. He is eager to go back to work. He is missing his girlfriend terribly. And he so desires to be at my brother's house for his traditional prime rib.
But his uncle can freeze him a hunk of meat. We can save his presents. He will eventually come home.
I am not buying any presents this year. I am knitting hats for everyone. And with each stitch, I am saying a prayer.
When my stress returns, I hope to remember the moment the music in my brain stopped today and I was truly in the present moment. At McDonald's downtown.
But now I am at my favorite library.
My soundtrack has returned. I am hearing the music the choir I accompany is going to sing tonight. My favorite, "Sure on this Shining Night" is currently playing. It is so lovely. The piano part is haunting. And the lyrics, quite appropriate for what my family is going through:
Or we can find the humor.
I found it Saturday. At Plaid Pantry.
I was so pleased with myself. I had gotten out of bed early enough to grab a $1 breakfast burrito from the Taco Bell at my bus stop. All the buses were on time and synchronized, so I was also able to grab a large $1 at McDonald's before my teaching shift.
So I decided to stop at Plaid Pantry down the street from the music center where I teach. They often have really good sales at the cash register. I was hoping for something not too unhealthy for my break.
I was standing in line with my gummy candies, when the door flew open. It was cold and windy on Saturday. A man about my age seemed to blow into the store. He saw me looking at him and smile and nodded. I smiled back.
I was in a good mood. Early for work. And within my daily food budget. I had also packed a lunch for later, so I was in a good space.
I was next in line when the wind blown man got in line behind me.
He started a casual conversation. Something about the weather. I responded with a smile.
"Dang, you're pretty", he burst out.
I looked at him slightly shocked.
"Thank you!", I said.
He asked me what I was up to. He was friendly and seemed harmless. I told him I was a piano teacher on my way to work.
"I knew!" He exclaimed. "I told myself you were a teacher the way you were smiling and greeting everyone".
I chuckled again as I paid for my candy.
I waved goodbye to him. "You made me day", I said over my shoulder.
I put my hood over my head and pushed the door against the harsh wind and started climbing up the hill to work.
About halfway up, I dug in my bag for a gummy candy. Then I heard a car engine idled beside me.
I looked up to see the wind blown man. In a van. What we used to call a "creeper van" back in high school.
I furrowed my brow. Thought maybe he was lost. He rolled down his window.
"Excuse me, Ma'am", he said smiling. "Don't want to be rude. But I'd like to see you again. Can I have your number?"
Without thinking, I said, "I am too busy. I have a grandbaby and a son in prison!"
His eyes widened. He gunned the engine. And with a whoosh, he sped off.
I stood there chewing my gummy. Then I burst out laughing! I've been feeling so overwhelmed with my life lately. Feeling sorry for my son and for myself.
But suddenly there was humor!
When there is humor, I feel like everything is going to be o.k.
On the more serious side, I have a long history of being followed by "creepers". Must be my Eeyore personality. But now that I am approached 57, I had not been hit on in a long time. This man did not feel threatening to me. On the contrary, he was friendly. I enjoyed our interaction.
But I really have no time or energy for leisure, entertainment or dating. I'm o.k. with it.
And now I've found the perfect response!
That was Saturday. Today is Tuesday. I stopped at McDonald's again. For a large coffee. Usually I have a soundtrack going in my head. Often it is a piece I am working on for the choir or an upcoming concert. Sometimes, annoyingly it is a random song I heard in the supermarket or from a movie I watch with my granddaughter.
It is sometimes difficult to find myself beneath the soundtrack. It is like a buffer for what I am feeling or what I don't want to think about. It is accompanied by a feeling of anxiety and sometimes of impending doom.
But today at McDonald's as I sat to sip my coffee, the soundtrack stopped. Suddenly there was silence. I took a deep breath. I looked around me. This particular McDonald's is in the middle of downtown Portland. Homeless people often sleep on the sidewalk right outside the door. It was raining, dark and dreary outside. "Have a Holly Jolly Christmas" was blasting through the speakers. But no one looked particularly happy.
Many sad faces. Many cold, dirty people. I suddenly realized that my life, although stressful right now was a good life. My son, although in jail, was alive and healthy. Clean and sober! Taking classes, praying, reading and missing his family.
We might not get him out before Christmas. But that is o.k. In my heart I celebrate Christmas as the birth of my savior, Jesus Christ. I love the scripture describing his birth.
But the frenzied shopping, tinsle, "Fa-la-la's" and "Ho-ho-ho's" long ago stopped affecting me.
Truthfully, the commercial side of Christmas has usually depressed me. I know my son wants to be home for Christmas. He wants to be free. He is eager to go back to work. He is missing his girlfriend terribly. And he so desires to be at my brother's house for his traditional prime rib.
But his uncle can freeze him a hunk of meat. We can save his presents. He will eventually come home.
I am not buying any presents this year. I am knitting hats for everyone. And with each stitch, I am saying a prayer.
When my stress returns, I hope to remember the moment the music in my brain stopped today and I was truly in the present moment. At McDonald's downtown.
But now I am at my favorite library.
My soundtrack has returned. I am hearing the music the choir I accompany is going to sing tonight. My favorite, "Sure on this Shining Night" is currently playing. It is so lovely. The piano part is haunting. And the lyrics, quite appropriate for what my family is going through:
Sure on this shining night
Sure on this shining night
Of starmade shadows round,
Kindness must watch for me
This side the ground.
The late year lies down the north.
All is healed, all is health.
High summer holds the earth.
Hearts all whole.
Sure on this shining night
I weep for wonder
Wandering far alone
Of shadows on the stars.
God has been whispering to me to let got. To stop worrying. To pray and trust.
And so I shall try.
Peace to you this day.
Love,
Zita
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