Year Four, Day 244: Pieta

Hello Friends:

I had an intense session with my therapist yesterday.  In person, in his Portland  office.  For the past 4-5 months we've had our sessions on the phone.  But depression has been pulling on my soul  lately. And I needed some guidance. 

After our talk, he gave me a word to ponder as my homework.  That word was "shame".

And I knew exactly where I needed to go- The Grotto. My favorite spot to think, pray, read and just be still. The soothing upper gardens do wonders to calm my mind. I was long overdue  for time alone with God and myself.

I sat on a bench and just took in the surroundings. I only saw a few other people the whole time I was there. 

A lot of regrets, bad memories and shame came up. I sat and cried quietly for a long time.  Then 

I prayed and asked God to help me. I even dozed off for a little while. 

Then I wrote  a little in my journal and read from Psalms and the gospels. 

Finally I  began  to think about the word  "shame".

I even googled  it. I found  a post by Brene Brown titled "Shame versus Guilt ":

"Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers, I believe that there is a profound difference between shame and guilt. I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful – it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.

I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.

I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous"

shame v. guilt | Brené Brown

shame v. guilt | Brené Brown

So after thinking about how shame has shaped most of my life, I walked the labyrinth. Very slowly.  My heart was so heavy. When I reached the center,  suddenly I felt lighter. I felt a voice inside  me. It said, "All that matters is love. Every other detail of your life that you dwell on is unimportant."

And that is what I want to remember. When I watched my granddaughter tonight, she was tired.  She hasn't been taking naps. She fell asleep in my arms. Just like she used to do when she was a baby.  I sat and held her for two hours,  captivated.  Afraid to move. The love I felt for her at that moment was overpowering. As I looked at her sweet, innocent face, I thought of the statue,  "The Pieta", by Michaelangelo. I gazed at the replica in the meditation  chapel at the Grotto last night. It moved me deeply. I saw the love and anguish in Mary's  face as she held her son's  lifeless body on her lap. The same son she held as a baby. I thought of my own son in prison. And my heart ached.

https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_Grotto_(Portland,_Oregon)_Pietà_in_meditation_chapel_01.jpg

These are reminders of the shortness of our lives here on earth. All the stress, the struggles and anxieties we choose to focus on are meaningless compared to Love. 

That is all for now.  I hope to spend more time at the Grotto.  Perhaps even weekly. To face my shame and comfort my soul. 

Much love to you, my readers and friends, 

Zita