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Year Four, Day 319: Johnny Depp and The Cheese Ball Incident

 Dear Friends:


It's been awhile! But I am back. Wiping away tears, but I am here.  I had a hard time leaving my living room today. Amber Heard finally took the stand to give her testimony.  It moved me. Even though I have been "Team Johnny" from the beginning of their trial. 

I am a little bit embarrassed to admit how fascinated I am with this whole case. And how much I have learned about myself, especially relating to interpersonal relationships, mostly of the romantic kind.

But there it is. I'm hooked.  I have adored Johnny Depp, or perhaps I should say I am a big fan of his public persona.  I recognize him as a very talented actor, intelligent, and a bit of a bad boy.  

His "performance" in court has seemed to reflect who I believe he is. I did not want to believe he was abusive.  Yet he was obviously entrenched in substance abuse. 

I shuddered a bit when his team painted the picture of Amber, his ex-wife as a woman with histrionic, borderline personality disorder. I saw a bit of myself.  I have often wondered if I was borderline. My own counselor who saved my emotional life during the pandemic lockdown had wondered the same. But, he said, "Probably not BPD because you seem to crave solitude. People suffering from BPD tend to not like being alone."

But abandonment issues abound big time with me. As far back in my history as I can remember.

Now, seeing Amber Heard on the stand, I am highly triggered.  My stomach is in knots. Yes, this is television. And highly entertaining, judging from the throngs of folks willing to spend the night outside of the courthouse in order to score a ticket for the next day's proceedings.  

Entertaining, yes. But supposedly devoted to gathering the truth. If anyone can actually determine what that is.  It seems extremely nebulous at this point, years after the abuse (from both sides) apparently took place.

My gut tells me Amber is mostly telling the truth.  But what is crucial here, is the memories and issues this whole trial brings up with me. 

Am I not alone?

I don't want to get into my past, and women's rights, etc.  Nor do I want to compare my relationships.  I just need to step away for a bit.  It was difficult this morning. I actually turned off the television and decided to walk up to the library to work on my piano recital programs and check in with you all.  

Thankfully I do not have wifi at my little apartment. I think I will keep it that way.  

And the cheese ball incident?  

I have been feeling much stress lately. The move, my elderly parents, my relationship, my asthma, the state of my soul....

And although I have been making an appearance at the gym (53 days now!), I have not been working out enough. I barely sweat.  

I am just so bone-tired.  Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I feel like I am clinging to the side of a lifeboat, just waiting for someone to step on my fingers with a steel toed boot.

So I was babysitting my adorable grandchildren last week so their parents could go to the gym. My son does know how to work up a sweat. He is my workout idol!

But the babies were asleep. And I was anxious. And hungry. I turned on some cooking and raided their cupboards for a snack. 

That was when I saw it.

Dum dum, dum... (Suspenseful music)

A big jar of cheeseballs a top the cupboard. I grabbed the whole thing and collapsed onto the couch in glee.

I crunched my way through the entire container! My happiness was short lived. I felt ashamed. I confessed to my son and daughter-in-law who just laughed. My son actually told me he was glad he wasn't there to witness it - my crunching noises have always drove him insane! (We all speculate that he suffers from misophonia. Oddly, mostly from my noises!)

But the emotional impact was not all. For the next week I felt so tired, poofy and achy I thought I had the flu. My asthma flared up. I actually took an at home Covid test. 

Thankfully it was negative.

I blame it on the cheeseballs.  

They are like a drug to me.

So back to Johnny Depp. We are hearing from Amber what it was like to love and live with an addict.  Who am I to judge? If I cannot control myself around cheese balls, how would I have handled a drug or alcohol addiction?

Sorry for the rambling. I am now going to the gym.  I hope to get my head on straight soon.

Happy Thursday!

I will report back soon!

Love,

Zita




PS Since the cheese ball incident, I have been starting each day with a fruit and collagen powder smoothie.  Yesterday I made a chaffle breakfast sandwich.  Everytime I think about binging on crunchy foods, I imagine the cheese balls and how they made me feel like I was walking death!






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