Year Four, Day 19: Fear of Scarcity

I know that moving in with my daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter is the right decision.  First of all, look at that face!

I spent the afternoon babysitting Baby Gracie while her mom and dad played in a soft ball game.  Now that she is in a bigger space, she has started to explore and use her gross motor skills. At her last doctor's appointment, the doctor exclaimed that she was quite advance cognitively and with her fine motor skills. When the doctor gave a her a book to hold, she became very serious, turning the pages and examining it. The doctor was most impressed!  I was secretly quite proud since i have spent a lot of time reading books to her from her first day home from day one!

But the doctor says she is a bit delayed with her gross motor skills. She was not yet crawling or pulling herself up to standing. 

But she made up for it today!  In one afternoon she began pushing herself up on her arms and spinning in circles as she scooted.  Then she would reach her chubby little arms up toward me and I would pull her up to standing. She is putting her full weight on her feet now, where before she was only on tiptoes.  

It is such a miracle to see her grow. And it tickled me to see the wonder and delight in her eyes and smile as she conquered new things!

Speaking of conquering, I am finally in a good space emotionally to begin working on my weight again.  My daughter is extremely health conscious. We talked about meal planning today.  I am going to be adhering to a version of the Daniel Plan.  It is essentially a whole food diet. A typical plate consistes of 50% nonstarchy vegetables,  25% little lean protein, 25% whole grains (no wheat for me) or starchy vegetables, and a side of low glycemic fruit.  Beverage is water or herbal tea.  

I will openly admit right here, right now that I have slid backwards with my diet over the last several months.  Too many carbs, too much restaurant food, and night eating.  Anxiety, loneliness and depression got the best of me!

But being with my family, I already feel more positive.  And I had a bit of a revelation concerning my eating disorder.  Yes, I admit it. I am an emotional overeater.  

A few weeks ago, I had met a few women from the choir at a little cafe before choir practice.  I wasn't particularly hungry, but the food looked wonderful.  I had a large salad and a macaroon for dessert.  One of my friends ordered soup and a dinner roll. The other just had tea.  The one with the soup exclaimed about the flavor.  I think it was a bean soup .Then she said, "I'm not really hungry. But I know I will be hungry later!"

I nodded in agreement. But it didn't hit me until later, that I thought the exact same way! I often eat when I am not hungry, worrying that I will be hungry later and will be unable to eat. Perhaps I will be teaching, or commuting without any healthy food. Or it will be late at night and I am not supposed to eat late at night.

I told my daughter about this. We looked at each with that "aha" look in our eyes.

"Why do you thinkg you do that?", she asked.

"I think it is fear of scarcity", I replied knowingly. I remember that phrase from my ex-husband. He was studying psychology at the time.  

Knowledge is a good thing. But I am not sure how to rid myself of this belief that is embedded in my psyche.  

I do know that meal planning does help. And prepping the fruits and veggies. When I was babysitting earlier, I had a bit of a snack attack. Gracie was in her highchair. I was feeding her a mango/spinach/pear puree. I looked in the fridge and was delighted to find a container of cut fruit. I snacked on a few cubes of pineapple and cantaloupe.  I find snacking on fruit satisfying. Even though it contains sugar, it does not trigger binging behavior like salty carbs. 

Since Baby Grace is mobile now, I am determined  now more than ever to lose weight and renew my energy and vitality. Otherwise, how will I keep up with her?

On that note, I am going to get ready for a good, healthy night of sleep. Another part of the losing weight and revitalizing equation.

I will talk to you tomorrow!

Love,

Zita

P.S. Here is today's hooping video!  Day 352! 

Tomorrow I will get up early and walk/jog at the park. My hoop is still at my old house.  Will be bringing that over later in the week.