Hello Friends!
I can't even begin to tell you how ecstatic I was to wake up early this morning and read all my friends posts about thunderstorms, lightening and rain overnight! I slept like a log and missed it all. I have a small room in my daughter and son-in-law's garage/basement of their town house. It is like a little cave. When I am not suffering from anxiety produced insomnia, I sleep deeply. I like the dark, cave-like vibe.
So when my eyes popped open about 5:30 this morning, and I saw all the posts about rain. I ran outside in my nightgown. Sure enough, the ground was wet and the divine sound of rainfall filled my ears. I can only imagine the fresh smell.
I lost my sense of smell a few years ago. Supposedly related to my asthma. I know what you're thinking. Yes, it is also a symptom of Covid-19. But this was pre Covid-19. And sometimes out of the blue, I will be assailed by a scent. Often garlic or frying onions. Sometimes smoke. And once at the mall, as I passed The Body Shop, I stopped dead in my tracks as I was assaulted by many lovely fragrances, especially vanilla. I walked in and smelled every sample available!
But sadly, my sense of smell disappeared again the next day.
So this morning as I smiled up at the sky, standing in a shallow puddle with my barefeet, I tried to bring back the memory of the smell of rain. I think I did. But my other senses were alive and buzzing. The feel of rain, the sound of rain and idea of what this meant.
Most importantly - clearing the air of smoke! And of course putting out fires!
I don't think I've ever been so happy and relieved. Especially since yesterday, instead of splashing in a puddle gleefully, I had told my mother at our weekly breakfast I was so sick of my isolated life that I felt like jumping off a bridge!
Now don't worry, my dear readers. I am not, was not and do not ever imagine myself suicidal. I was merely having a melt down. My mother didn't bat an eyelash. She said we all felt like that due to the pandemic and now the smoke. It was a symptom of being cooped up and all the uncertainty.
What she didn't say was it is also a symptom of my loneliness, longing for the man that I am having a long distance relationship with.
I told her I was going to get enough money together and buy a camper van and finally live my dream of traveling about the United States. My man and I have talked about this. It is a dream of his too. But I suddenly wanted to do it right then!
I felt the need to break free!
My mother does not understand my yearnings. She values family, stability and safety. I get it. But I long for freedom and adventure. Even though I love and value my family.
Speaking of breaking free, the night before I was particularly lonely. And my man was very busy at another job site. A job site "in the middle of nowhere" with spotty wi-fi. So I didn't hear from him. I hadn't heard much at all from in the past week. I found out later this current job is quite overwhelming and he was exhausted.
I have never wanted him to feel obligated to call me every night. But I felt extremely lonely and needy. And a bit panicky. I was having trouble focusing on my work. So at 2 a.m. yesterday morning I sent him a break up text. I thought it was a taking space text. I thought if we just took a break from expectations until we could see each other in person again, I could go on with my life.
A few hours later I regretted that text. At 4 a.m. I grabbed my phone and noticed he had not read my break up text. So I deleted.
The next day, at breakfast with my mom, before my meltdown and jumping off the bridge comment he called. He sounded so sad. I knew instantly that he had read the text. I grabbed the phone, excused myself from the table with my mom and took our conversation into the bathroom.
I tried to explain how I felt. He just sounded so sad. Tried to tell me that he was simply exhausted from work. And did not want to our relationship to end. My heart sank. I knew I did not either. But I was in the middle of an emotional crisis.
I couldn't imagine continuing to long for him and wait for him to call every night like a lovesick teenager, only to be hurt and disappointed and have my heart crushed with perceived rejection.
My counselor says I have abandonment issues.
My man ended the call with a sigh. Saying that he would not call, but I could call or text him.
I wanted to throw. I went back to the table where my mother was livid. She said she came to breakfast with me and I fled to the bathroom, leaving her. I guess she has abandonment issues too. I told her I broke up with my man.
She said, "Good".
That's when the jumping off the bridge comment came flying out of my mouth. Frankly, I was more surprised than her. I usually keep my bizarre thoughts to myself when they pop up. I guess I need to install a pop up blocker in my brain!
Anyway, we left in a bit of a huff. Luckily the restaurant was practically empty. I must not have been as loud as I imagined, because our server, who knows us both by first name, smiled and waved and told us she would see us next week.
On the way home, I looked up at the sky. Tears were rolling down my face. The sun was blood orange.
My mom and I didn't mention my meltdown. She came in and visited with my granddaughter and then left. I went about my day, feeling I had a hole in my chest where my heart was.
As soon as my babysitting shift with my granddaughter was over, I sent an SOS text to my therapist. Thankfully he answered right away.
"Can we have a phone call today?" I asked. "I am really struggling". He said he could later in the afternoon, but I was not free until evening. A very busy schedule of piano students was ahead of me.
So we made an evening appointment. And I did the only sane thing I could. I took a nap. I wish I could have gone for a walk. That is my self care therapy of choice. But the air quality index in Vancouver was hazardous.
That nap was incredible. Luckily I set my alarm, because I crashed hard. For nearly 2 hours!
And as I began teaching, the fog in my brain cleared. My heart still hurt, but I worked hard at being very present with my students. I changed into a nice "Teacher Zita" dress, did my hair, put on some of my big dangly earrings and had a very good afternoon.
Hard work seems to restore my soul.
I had a particularly good session with my counselor, who knows most of the details of this passionate long distance relationship of mine. Luckily he played "advocate of the devil" with me (I laughed at that good naturedly . English is his second language)
Through our role playing I realized that I have many triggers from my past at play. And I was guilty of "all or nothing" thinking. So much more. But amazingly, my therapist seemed very compassionate towards my man. I hadn't expected that. He helped me see my actions through his eyes.
Oy, and there went my aching hear again.
No sooner did I hang up with my counselor, than my phone rang. It was my son from prison. He sounded more positive than usual. He is getting close to release. A little over 3 1/2 months left. But the smoke from the wildfires, like the pandemic really has made his time more difficult. My son is very athletic. I have always noticed how vital it is for him to have regular physical exercise, especially in the form of sports.
With the air quality so hazardous, his prison had to close "yard". So he had not gotten his runs, basketball games or weight lifting in. I could hear it in his voice the last week how tense he was. Not only has the prison been on lockdown to any visitors since March, now they could not even go outside!
But he had heard the rain was coming. And there was hope in his voice. I decided to confide in him about my break with my man. I"m glad I did. He listened compassionately. He has always been a good listener. He chuckled a bit when I described how my text sounded so right at 2 a.m., but then when I awoke later, I regretted it. He laughed louder when I told him how mortified I was when I discovered the my text had been read before I deleted it!
He knows my man. He had been very kind to my son when he visited us when my kids were young and I was a struggling single mom.
Gosh, I guess I've been a struggling something or other my whole life!
Suddenly, I felt a rush of love and gratitude. All through my body. For my son, for my family, for my counselor and for my man.
As I hung up with my son, I knew who I would call.
I called my man. I felt very vulnerable. But very authentic. We had a good talk. And we talked again later.
He laughed when I said I figured out just then how we handled conflict. He was like Casper, the Friendly Ghost, he would just be invisible. I would be like Usain Bolt and just run away!
So we talked about compromise. I know that I do not want to live without him, even if distance separates us. It won't forever.
I hope.
At least I was able to get a lovely walk through the park in. I was so happy to see the moist, green grass and all the trees. I felt like hugging one!
And I no longer am considering that bridge. (I never really did seriously.) Especially since the rain came and washed away all my anxiety.
I would rather dance in a puddle. Barefoot. In my nightgown.
I hope you are all well, my friends. And I hope the rain has not only washed away the smoke in your lives, but has given you hope as well.
Talk to you tomorrow!
Love,
Zita
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