I tossed and turned all night. Filled with fears. Finally fell into a deep sleep after midnight, filled with dark, troubling dreams.
This morning, instead of popping up to spend the day practicing for a concert tonight, as I had planned, I pulled the covers in and lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Breathing. Trying to calm my racing heart.
I know I've spoken of my battle with depression. But have I mentioned my old friend anxiety? He's back. In full force.
I guess I don't consider anxiety a "condition". I've always thought of it as situational.
Fear. Stage fright. Dread. Shyness. Worry.
But I made myself get up. Go through my usual routine. I was a little nervous about the choir concert I was accompanying this evening. The piano part on "Serenade to Music" by Ralph Vaughn Williams was actually an orchestral reduction. I didn't feel as prepared as I could have been.
But that, dear reader is the story of my life.
I also had an improvisational interlude in our last song "Deep Peace".
This was a first for me. My sheet music is my crutch! But I was looking forward to my interlude. I had been working on it. And it just seemed to just bubble up and flow directly from my soul.
I made it though. The concert was a success. I resorted to saying the Jesus Prayer, the Lord's Prayer and many Hail Mary's until my pulse slowed and throughout my day.
And then on stage before I began to play.
And I stayed in the moment, with each note. I played my little heart out!
The whole concert was magical. And we got thunderous applause.
Take that anxiety! Go back to your hole!
I leave you with this quote:
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” – First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt
Happy Tuesday!
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