Well this is embarrassing.
My daughter and I just had a hilarious conversation that ended with us laughing until the tears came.
Apparently, every so often, I have what my daughter calls one of my "crazy sensitive days". She suggested I blog about it.
So, in an effort to be completely real and transparent. Here I am. Blogging about it.
She said she has known me for 28 years and she has seen it many, many times before. And I never seem to remember them. Or I try to rationalize it.
I guess today was one of those days.
It started out to be a lovely day. Wednesday is my long day babysitting Baby Grace. My daughter left home about 8:30 a.m. She had two back to back meetings and then returned home at 1:30 p.m.
She left me with bottles, organic baby food and finger food. I got out the notebook we used last week. I find I work best if I have a schedule. Last Wednesday, I wrote down the time of each activity. For instance:
8:30 a.m. Change diaper
8:40 a.m. Floor activities.
8:55 a.m. Pear, banana, spinach baby food.
You get the idea.
At 10:20 a.m. Gracie started to get a little bit cranky. So I grabbed her bottle and put in a Baby Einstein DVD. She was out within 10 minutes. And she slept for 1 1/2 hours!
Mind you, I am not brave enough to stand up from rocking chair and lay her down for her nap. She slept on me for 1 1/2 hours. I don't mind. I actually cherish these moments with her.
She was in a super happy and playful mood after her nap. So the time flew by quickly. My daughter got home from her meeting. She had emails to write. So I offered to make a dinner in the crockpot. I put in some chicken thighs with garlic, onion, a jalepeno, lemon juice and paprika. I set it for four hours on high.
After I put in the chicken, I became light-headed. I did not sleep well last night. So I grabbed a glass of water and told my daughter I was going to take a nap.
I woke up about an hour later, still feeling groggy. It was a hot day. My son-in-law was watching a movie in the living room with his teen-age niece. My daughter was in her room, nursing Baby Grace. I started feeling restless and grumpy.
I recall as a child, my dad would yell at us if he found us inside on a sunny day.
"You're wasting valuable sunshine!" he would bellow as we scrambled off the sofa, out the door.
My heart was thudding. I felt out of sorts. I felt like I was judging the others in the household. I felt like we should all do housework before we sit down, or lay on the floor and watch television. I felt like my daughter was bearing too much of the work load. And that perhaps my role was to take up the slack.
I know I shouldn't judge them. This is their house. So I told my daughter I was going to take a walk. I decided to grab my Bible and prayer journal and stop at Dairy Queen for an iced tea.
It turned out to be a lovely large, iced tea, no sweetener. It's hard to find tasty iced tea in a fast food joint. Believe me, I've tried.
I also had a small order of fries. I was needing comfort, I told myself. Fries are comforting to me.
But the alone time was also nice. I read. I prayed. I wrote out some cards to a few family members. Then I remembered my daughter needed balsalmic vinegar for a salad she wanted to make. And we were also out of mayonnaise.
So I headed to the store up the street. I was pleased to find there was a post office within walking distance of the apartment. I stopped in to mail my cards. The AC was bitter cold and very refreshing. I briefly thought how nice it would be to just sit in there for awhile. I shook off the thought and headed out into the heat. There was a Bi-Mart just a block away.
While I was at the store, my daughter called. They were wondering where I was because "everyone was hungry".
And boom, back came my foul mood. I told myself I need to set clear boundaries with these young adults. I was feeling like if I allowed it, I would become their live in servant!
I walked back, my blood boiling. Trying to talk myself out of my funk. Telling myself how much I loved them. And that these were just little things.
So I got home and people were lounging about. I had told my duaghter I was going to make cauliflower to go with the chicken. She had made broccoli and rice, claiming she didn't hear the part about the cauliflower.
She got up and followed me into the kitchen.
"Feeling sensitive today?" she asked with a knowing tone.
Eyelid twitching now. I told her that perhaps people should clean up before dinner. "First we work, and then we play", I chirped.
My daughter gave me a look.
"You are being passive-aggressive, Mom", she said sternly. I knew I was.
I told her that I had walked home in the 90 degree weather with balsamic vinegar for her salad. And that I did not want them to see me as their servant.
She rolled her eyes.
We finished preparing dinner. "Come and get it!" I bellowed.
Again, the eye rolling.
I sat on the deck, alone, eating my dinner. Feeling weird. Over analyzing. I know my role here is to help care for the baby. But there was this feeling of being trapped. By expectations. Where was that coming from?
After dinner, I put away a few things and then informed everyone that I was going to the park. I had not hooped this morning! I had overslept and didn't have time to hoop before my daughter left.
It was a wise move. The weather had cooled down nicely. I found a nice, quite place, by one of the baseball diamonds. The path was paved, so it was a nice even surface to stand on. And the bleachers were a perfect height to take a video from.
After my hoop session, I sat in the bleachers for a while. There were quite a few people out walking. I felt a bit better. Even though my heart still thudding a bit.
I recalled the sermon that had so moved me this last Sunday. About removing strongholds in our lives. I know one of them is self-pity. I took a deep breath and asked for God's help.
After about half an hour, my daughter called. She was worried. I walked back.
I had bought a box of gluten free "Nut Thins" from the store. And a packet of jalapeno flavored seasoning to mix with sour cream for a dip.
I walked into the apartment. Gracie was squealing with delight. It was bath time. I headed to the kitchen and whipped up a bowl of dip. Sour cream, mayo and the seasonings. I grabbed the box of Nut Thins and a glass of water and headed to my room.
I was thinking about snacking and reading recipes online.
No such luck. My daughter intercepted me.
"What is this?!?"
That is when we had the talk about my "sensitive days"
She told me that when they were growing up, she would notice I would sometimes get really cranky, about "seemingly nothing". I would bang pots and pans around in the kitchen. Tell the kids I was going to run away to Mexico and then grab a bag of chips, or popcorn, or crackers and munch away, saying I need comfort.
I told her I probably had a good reason. Maybe she and her brother were misbehaving. But something clicked inside. I really hardly remember those days. And all the analyzing in the world didn't make it right.
She described my "crazy sensitive days" in depth until we were both laughing so hard, holding our sides, tears streaming down our faces. Gracie was looking at us wide-eyed and perplexed.
I picked up my dip and crackers and put them back into the kitchen.
Perhaps it is time to end this cycle.
Or maybe I will just run away to Mexico!
Talk to you tomorrow.
Love,
Zita
My daughter and I just had a hilarious conversation that ended with us laughing until the tears came.
Apparently, every so often, I have what my daughter calls one of my "crazy sensitive days". She suggested I blog about it.
So, in an effort to be completely real and transparent. Here I am. Blogging about it.
She said she has known me for 28 years and she has seen it many, many times before. And I never seem to remember them. Or I try to rationalize it.
I guess today was one of those days.
It started out to be a lovely day. Wednesday is my long day babysitting Baby Grace. My daughter left home about 8:30 a.m. She had two back to back meetings and then returned home at 1:30 p.m.
She left me with bottles, organic baby food and finger food. I got out the notebook we used last week. I find I work best if I have a schedule. Last Wednesday, I wrote down the time of each activity. For instance:
8:30 a.m. Change diaper
8:40 a.m. Floor activities.
8:55 a.m. Pear, banana, spinach baby food.
You get the idea.
At 10:20 a.m. Gracie started to get a little bit cranky. So I grabbed her bottle and put in a Baby Einstein DVD. She was out within 10 minutes. And she slept for 1 1/2 hours!
Mind you, I am not brave enough to stand up from rocking chair and lay her down for her nap. She slept on me for 1 1/2 hours. I don't mind. I actually cherish these moments with her.
After I put in the chicken, I became light-headed. I did not sleep well last night. So I grabbed a glass of water and told my daughter I was going to take a nap.
I woke up about an hour later, still feeling groggy. It was a hot day. My son-in-law was watching a movie in the living room with his teen-age niece. My daughter was in her room, nursing Baby Grace. I started feeling restless and grumpy.
I recall as a child, my dad would yell at us if he found us inside on a sunny day.
"You're wasting valuable sunshine!" he would bellow as we scrambled off the sofa, out the door.
My heart was thudding. I felt out of sorts. I felt like I was judging the others in the household. I felt like we should all do housework before we sit down, or lay on the floor and watch television. I felt like my daughter was bearing too much of the work load. And that perhaps my role was to take up the slack.
I know I shouldn't judge them. This is their house. So I told my daughter I was going to take a walk. I decided to grab my Bible and prayer journal and stop at Dairy Queen for an iced tea.
It turned out to be a lovely large, iced tea, no sweetener. It's hard to find tasty iced tea in a fast food joint. Believe me, I've tried.
I also had a small order of fries. I was needing comfort, I told myself. Fries are comforting to me.
But the alone time was also nice. I read. I prayed. I wrote out some cards to a few family members. Then I remembered my daughter needed balsalmic vinegar for a salad she wanted to make. And we were also out of mayonnaise.
So I headed to the store up the street. I was pleased to find there was a post office within walking distance of the apartment. I stopped in to mail my cards. The AC was bitter cold and very refreshing. I briefly thought how nice it would be to just sit in there for awhile. I shook off the thought and headed out into the heat. There was a Bi-Mart just a block away.
While I was at the store, my daughter called. They were wondering where I was because "everyone was hungry".
And boom, back came my foul mood. I told myself I need to set clear boundaries with these young adults. I was feeling like if I allowed it, I would become their live in servant!
I walked back, my blood boiling. Trying to talk myself out of my funk. Telling myself how much I loved them. And that these were just little things.
So I got home and people were lounging about. I had told my duaghter I was going to make cauliflower to go with the chicken. She had made broccoli and rice, claiming she didn't hear the part about the cauliflower.
She got up and followed me into the kitchen.
"Feeling sensitive today?" she asked with a knowing tone.
Eyelid twitching now. I told her that perhaps people should clean up before dinner. "First we work, and then we play", I chirped.
My daughter gave me a look.
"You are being passive-aggressive, Mom", she said sternly. I knew I was.
I told her that I had walked home in the 90 degree weather with balsamic vinegar for her salad. And that I did not want them to see me as their servant.
She rolled her eyes.
We finished preparing dinner. "Come and get it!" I bellowed.
Again, the eye rolling.
I sat on the deck, alone, eating my dinner. Feeling weird. Over analyzing. I know my role here is to help care for the baby. But there was this feeling of being trapped. By expectations. Where was that coming from?
After dinner, I put away a few things and then informed everyone that I was going to the park. I had not hooped this morning! I had overslept and didn't have time to hoop before my daughter left.
It was a wise move. The weather had cooled down nicely. I found a nice, quite place, by one of the baseball diamonds. The path was paved, so it was a nice even surface to stand on. And the bleachers were a perfect height to take a video from.
After my hoop session, I sat in the bleachers for a while. There were quite a few people out walking. I felt a bit better. Even though my heart still thudding a bit.
I recalled the sermon that had so moved me this last Sunday. About removing strongholds in our lives. I know one of them is self-pity. I took a deep breath and asked for God's help.
After about half an hour, my daughter called. She was worried. I walked back.
I had bought a box of gluten free "Nut Thins" from the store. And a packet of jalapeno flavored seasoning to mix with sour cream for a dip.
I walked into the apartment. Gracie was squealing with delight. It was bath time. I headed to the kitchen and whipped up a bowl of dip. Sour cream, mayo and the seasonings. I grabbed the box of Nut Thins and a glass of water and headed to my room.
I was thinking about snacking and reading recipes online.
No such luck. My daughter intercepted me.
"What is this?!?"
That is when we had the talk about my "sensitive days"
She told me that when they were growing up, she would notice I would sometimes get really cranky, about "seemingly nothing". I would bang pots and pans around in the kitchen. Tell the kids I was going to run away to Mexico and then grab a bag of chips, or popcorn, or crackers and munch away, saying I need comfort.
I told her I probably had a good reason. Maybe she and her brother were misbehaving. But something clicked inside. I really hardly remember those days. And all the analyzing in the world didn't make it right.
She described my "crazy sensitive days" in depth until we were both laughing so hard, holding our sides, tears streaming down our faces. Gracie was looking at us wide-eyed and perplexed.
I picked up my dip and crackers and put them back into the kitchen.
Perhaps it is time to end this cycle.
Or maybe I will just run away to Mexico!
Talk to you tomorrow.
Love,
Zita
P.S. I've decided that I am going to go to the gym when my daughter returns home from work on my Gracie duty days. Even if I'm not having one of my "crazy sensitive days", time in the gym is better than a bowl of high fat dip and crackers and feeling sorry for myself!
P.P.S. I can't believe it. Today is Day 364 of my daily hooping adventure! One year tomorrow. Stay tuned!
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