I am so burned out from feeling so much. Worries about health and safety of my family, worries about finances, worries about me saying the wrong thing, worries about not sticking to my weigh loss program, worries about our country falling apart, worries about young men turning to white extremism, plotting to kill as many people as possible, buying weapons and then killing as many people as possible...
It used to be I just worried about what to wear to school and if anyone would talk to me.
I have moments of peace. Moments of pure joy. Moments of sanity.
Those usually happen when I am working. Whether I am teaching, practicing the piano or playing the piano, I can usually set the troubling thoughts aside. They'll be there later.
This afternoon I had an extremely joyful peaceful hour with an adult student of mine. She is retired and had some health problems that forced her to quit the choir that I accompany. She contacted me for piano lessons about a year ago. She is such a joy to teach! It is an hour I look forward to. We pretty much just share musically. She plays for me. We dig through her piles of music. Sometimes we play duets. But today was even more magical than usual. She wanted to see if she still had her voice.
When she got ill, her lungs were affected. She no longer had the wind power to support her high notes. She was also extremely fatigued.
But today she did a few scales and ran through some of her music she had sung as a college student. I broke out in goosebumps as she soared over her high notes. We sat and talked a bit later. About music. About our families. About politics.
I got a little nervous as the subject veered toward politics. She had told me about a vigil being held last night at a church in Portland. It was a multi-faith vigil to honor the victims of the El Paso and Dayton shootings. And also to discuss gun control. I had planned on going too, but was in court all day with my son. After court, he and his girlfriend wanted me to come over and see their new apartment. I feel like when family asks for me to spend time with them, I should. Politics will wait.
I'm glad I went with them. Just spending time with my son, his girlfriend and her bulging pregnant belly warms my heart. We are still awaiting the verdict on his sentence. So every moment with him is precious.
Back to politics. See? It's still there! I needn't have worried. My student/friend is quite liberal. We talked openly about our concerns. It was so refreshing. It is not like the stress I feel when I post an opinion on Facebook and then wait for my thoughts to be criticized, rejected, or mocked. Of course there are those that give a hearty thumbs up sign, but it is the mockers that I react to. I always tell myself to speak my truth and walk away. But I always go back and check later.
I was struck with a memory today. A memory of the kitchen table. With my mom, dad, brother and I gathered round. Eating a meal and talking. There were not that many of them. My parents worked a lot. And we weren't the perfect Brady Bunch or Walton family. But still. There was no t.v. at the table. No cell phones, tablets or computers. Just us talking.
I remember the kitchen table fondly at my grandmother's house in Texas. I lived there for a year when I was 14. Not only did many family members gather at her house for dinner, they sat on the porch afterwards and chatted.
Do people still do this? Gather around the table and talk? Face to face?
The internet is dangerous for introverts like me. I hide behind my screen. I do deeply desire to be authentic. But the screen is a shield. And it does not encourage conversation. We just spew out our thoughts and memes and wait for reactions.
It is not like the kitchen table.
And as I type this our country is becoming more divided. And sigh, I expect it to get much worse before it gets better.
I am going to back off a bit from social media. At least from speaking my mind without being sure of the facts (if that is every really possible). But I am going to stay aware and informed. I will continue to pray fervently for my loved ones, friends and everyone that is suffering.
I am going to do something brave and scary for an introvert like me. I am going to try to spend more time in real conversations. Trying to listen more. And when I voice my opinion, I am going to do it humbly and gently. And not go back looking for a thumbs up sign.
This is going to be difficult. But hey, I've been through more difficult waters. I'm fasting 20 hours a day. (I've lost 12 pounds! YAHOO!)
I will survive.
I hope we all do!
Happy Wednesday.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Love,
Zita
Oh, and I must not forget my hooping video. Day 123!
It used to be I just worried about what to wear to school and if anyone would talk to me.
I have moments of peace. Moments of pure joy. Moments of sanity.
Those usually happen when I am working. Whether I am teaching, practicing the piano or playing the piano, I can usually set the troubling thoughts aside. They'll be there later.
This afternoon I had an extremely joyful peaceful hour with an adult student of mine. She is retired and had some health problems that forced her to quit the choir that I accompany. She contacted me for piano lessons about a year ago. She is such a joy to teach! It is an hour I look forward to. We pretty much just share musically. She plays for me. We dig through her piles of music. Sometimes we play duets. But today was even more magical than usual. She wanted to see if she still had her voice.
When she got ill, her lungs were affected. She no longer had the wind power to support her high notes. She was also extremely fatigued.
But today she did a few scales and ran through some of her music she had sung as a college student. I broke out in goosebumps as she soared over her high notes. We sat and talked a bit later. About music. About our families. About politics.
I got a little nervous as the subject veered toward politics. She had told me about a vigil being held last night at a church in Portland. It was a multi-faith vigil to honor the victims of the El Paso and Dayton shootings. And also to discuss gun control. I had planned on going too, but was in court all day with my son. After court, he and his girlfriend wanted me to come over and see their new apartment. I feel like when family asks for me to spend time with them, I should. Politics will wait.
I'm glad I went with them. Just spending time with my son, his girlfriend and her bulging pregnant belly warms my heart. We are still awaiting the verdict on his sentence. So every moment with him is precious.
Back to politics. See? It's still there! I needn't have worried. My student/friend is quite liberal. We talked openly about our concerns. It was so refreshing. It is not like the stress I feel when I post an opinion on Facebook and then wait for my thoughts to be criticized, rejected, or mocked. Of course there are those that give a hearty thumbs up sign, but it is the mockers that I react to. I always tell myself to speak my truth and walk away. But I always go back and check later.
I was struck with a memory today. A memory of the kitchen table. With my mom, dad, brother and I gathered round. Eating a meal and talking. There were not that many of them. My parents worked a lot. And we weren't the perfect Brady Bunch or Walton family. But still. There was no t.v. at the table. No cell phones, tablets or computers. Just us talking.
I remember the kitchen table fondly at my grandmother's house in Texas. I lived there for a year when I was 14. Not only did many family members gather at her house for dinner, they sat on the porch afterwards and chatted.
Do people still do this? Gather around the table and talk? Face to face?
The internet is dangerous for introverts like me. I hide behind my screen. I do deeply desire to be authentic. But the screen is a shield. And it does not encourage conversation. We just spew out our thoughts and memes and wait for reactions.
It is not like the kitchen table.
And as I type this our country is becoming more divided. And sigh, I expect it to get much worse before it gets better.
I am going to back off a bit from social media. At least from speaking my mind without being sure of the facts (if that is every really possible). But I am going to stay aware and informed. I will continue to pray fervently for my loved ones, friends and everyone that is suffering.
I am going to do something brave and scary for an introvert like me. I am going to try to spend more time in real conversations. Trying to listen more. And when I voice my opinion, I am going to do it humbly and gently. And not go back looking for a thumbs up sign.
This is going to be difficult. But hey, I've been through more difficult waters. I'm fasting 20 hours a day. (I've lost 12 pounds! YAHOO!)
I will survive.
I hope we all do!
Happy Wednesday.
Talk to you tomorrow.
Love,
Zita
Oh, and I must not forget my hooping video. Day 123!
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