Hi Friends!
It's been awhile! I apologize for my absence. I have been just living my life, putting one foot in front of the other.
But the trudging along day after day, with not much improvement in sight has made me weary. Bone and soul weary. I am feeling a bit like Sisyphus. You know the story right?
"Sisyphus was, in fact, like Autolycus and Prometheus, a widely popular figure of folklore—the trickster, or master thief. Clearly, he is everlastingly punished in Hades as the penalty for cheating Death, but why he is set to roll a great stone incessantly is a puzzle to which no convincing answer has yet been given. It appears to belong with other Greek imaginings of the world of the dead as the scene of fruitless labours."
https://www.britannica.com/topic/Sisyphus
Boy, this great stone that I am pushing up the hill daily has become very heavy. Even if it is only in my mind!
I think I have been depressed. But I am determined NOT to take antidepressants again. My armor is GOD, prayer, exercise, music, and sleep. I think my eating of crunchy junk food and a beer or two a few nights a week is not doing much to help.
Sadly, I am not getting along so well with my partner. I am not sure what can be done. I love him deeply, but our road is rocky. Taking me time helps me. I am not sure what helps him. An added bump in our road is that we will be having to move soon because the home we are living in is being sold. So, moving is on my mind. I have a few options I am considering, but rent is horrendous in Portland, so we are needing to think creatively.
That camper van is sounding really good about now.
I'd really just like to focus on my students, my family (especially my FIVE grandkids!), the gym, a good book, a nice walk, pleasantries with strangers I meet. Simple pleasures like that.
Moving, not so much.
But perhaps that is the stone I am pushing up the hill. Shelter is a basic human need. And a little place to call my own would be nice. At this point, though, I think shared housing is in my future.
It seems like mental health wise, I do best with a lot of me time. Relationships have never been easy for me.
But this man I really love. So I am at a precipice. Wow! Another rock analogy. I am on a roll! (Pun intended!) But which way to go? Back to safety or jump off of the cliff? Don't worry, I do not mean that literally. I value my life, my family, friends, students.
I mean, do I take a risk and make big changes?
I am 60. But I don't feel like I'm done yet. I know the answer to my present difficult situation is out there. I plan on spending some time with God. I know I have been neglecting Him a lot lately.
If you are a praying type, will you pray for clarity in my life? I feel that I am a gifted, caring, supportive teacher and I have a place in many young people's life, at least for 30 minutes a week! My goal as a teacher, is to connect with each of my students and help them discover the beauty of music, however that looks for them.
I sometimes wish I had a ME in my life to encourage me. To tell me I am ok, that I am good enough, that I am valued, that I am loved, just the way I am.
I guess I can just tell myself that right now!
"Dear Self: You are OK just as you are. You are good enough. You are valued. You are loved. For you.
Love,
ME"
Ok. That was very corny. But I feel better. I am going to head to the gym. Today will be Day 25!
It is a beautiful day here in Portland, Oregon. I might just take myself out for BeBimBop afterwards.
With extra kimchi.
I am going to be ok.
Wait! No, I AM OK!
And as I have said many, many times before: Blogging helps! Better out than in!
And on another note (PUN INTENDED!), I karaoked last week! I sang "Home Sweet Home" by Motley Crue. It was odd singing as an older person. When I was younger I karaoked several times at the Canton Grill (may it rest in peace). But I think I kind of used my youthfulness and mild sex appeal as a shield. I've never been happy with my voice, but I seemed to stir the crowd more in my younger days! Last week, not so much. I felt like the little ol' granny singing an old song. Like people were saying, "Aw how cute".
Sigh. My partner actually video taped part of my performance. I was horrified when I replayed it. I felt like crawling in a hole and hibernating for the rest of my life! But somehow, my inner strength and resilience is not allowing me to. I've decided to find another song better suited for my voice. And practice. And try again!
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Even if we look a fool right?! ;)
Have a wonderful day full of joy and fulfillment.
Talk soon! Happy Wednesday!
Love
Zita
PS If I get too gloomy and into my Eeyore, "woe is me" persona, I am committing myself right now to pray for those who do not have the life I have, no matter how meager. Today I am praying for the people of Ukraine, the people of Russia, the homeless, those struggling with mental illness and the health and safety of all of my friends and family.
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