Hi Friends!
I just got home a few days ago from a week in Twin Falls, Idaho. I spent most of my time there on the floor, playing with my 10 month-old twin granddaughters and my 4 year-old granddaughter. They are all incredible girls, in their own unique ways.
I miss them so much already, but I am glad to be back in Portland. My heart jumped for joy when I spotted Mt. Hood from the plane.
I feel like this era of my life, I am more conscious than I was as a single mother. Back then it was all about survival. Now, since I am not their caretaker, I can enjoy time my grandchildren, but then let them go and know they are in good hands with their parents.
I am grateful for this internet age. I get daily video calls from my daughter, and sometimes my 4 year-old granddaughter.
I have two more grandchildren here in town that I see every weekend. Now that I am moving (yes! I was approved for the apartment!), I will be closer to my son and daughter-in-law's home, so I hope to see them more often.
In order to afford my own place (rent is outrageous in this neck of the woods), I am working more than ever before. My schedule is full to the brim with eager piano students. I must say, it makes my teaching more enjoyable for everyone concerned to have students that are engaged and interested in learning. They don't always practice as much as I'd like, but they are interested and pleasant.
My work is almost like visiting and sharing my love of music with young friends. I like that!
Until recently, I had considered cutting back work and just taking care of my grandchildren. I had even considered moving to Idaho with my daughter. It was very tempting.
I would have left so much behind for an easier life (in some ways).
However, the pièce de résistance is the man. Isn't it always? Sigh.
WARNING: DOWNER AHEAD!
And here comes the sad part. I think I am leaving the man. Our relationship has turned dark. I am not blaming him. Blame is not healthy. But neither is the crazy part of me that I can't seem to control around him. My crazy emerges big time in moments of stress. And this relationship has become the major source of my stress.
The man was my main reason for staying in town. And then another grandbaby was born. Baby Aria whom I adore.
And then I fell in love with teaching even more.
And then now that I am needing to move, I have become super focused on gathering enough piano students, which included more scheduling, more lesson planning and more discipline.
And voila! Suddenly I am really enjoying working more at a time in my life when I was thinking of cutting back and mostly just caring for my grandchildren.
And I am really looking forward to having a place of my own. In a bittersweet way. The man had actually asked me to marry him. We talked about building a life together. But somehow the future doesn't seem to include an "us".
I will really miss the man. But in this relationship, all of my triggers came back, all of my bipolarness, all of my oversensitivity to criticism, all of my insecurities.
I pretty much suck at relationships. And as we approach what would have been our 2 year anniversary together, I will admit right here that this was one of the longest relationships in my life. At least romantic relationship.
So sad. I deeply love the man. I think he loves me too. But together we are like cats and dogs. I don't feel like we are on a parallel path. I don't feel supported. I pretty much feel alone and sad.
I wonder if, when the dust settles and I am alone - truly alone - if I will regret leaving. Maybe. But right now, to keep peace and sanity, I must leave.
And there, I've said it on my blog. We tried to talk a few times. This morning I tried yet again. Well, mostly I yelled and screamed like a wild banshee and turned off his TV. (What was I thinking going off of my antidepressants?!) At which point he asked me to leave.
I left.
I guess the TV won. But I do regret the wild banshee behavior. However, I will not miss the TV.
So here I am at the end. With a new beginning in sight.
Can I really do this again?
We shall see. At least I have many reasons to carry on. My family, my students and my daily routine of regular blogging, prayer, gym and ADF Fasting. (I'm down 4 pounds!)
If you are the praying type, please say a prayer for me too. And for the man.
On a side note, I realize that my prayer life has suffered. I do pray regularly for others. I enjoy the compassion that springs up in my soul when I pray for others. And I believe in the power of prayer.
But I miss God. I used to sit with Him every morning and just be in His presence. I would pray, study the Bible, talk to Him and feel his Spirit. I also feel the need to go back to church.
Maybe I tried to replace God with the man. I am not sure what happened. But I lost a bit of myself. And most of my heart.
Ok. I need to stop. I am in public and do not want to cry. Venting helps. Writing helps me make a bit of sense of my situation. But wallowing in my misery? Not very helpful...
Oh, and I apologize if this is a downer of a post today. Tomorrow will be a better day!
Love,
Zita
PS: I am actually glad I am going through this without antidepressants. I want to feel every emotion and not put a bandaid on it. However, I will try to reach my old counselor. He is no longer working at the facility he was at when he was my lifeboat deep in the pandemic. But he said I could reach out to him if needed. What I really wanted was to speak openly with the man. But that didn't end well. I think I owe him and the rest of the household an apology. Sigh.
PPS: Even though I am sad about the possibility of the desmise of the relationship, I realize that one of my main focusses when I began blogging was self improvement, especially of the losing weight and getting healthy kind. PHYSICALLY I feel I have made huge strides! Now I need to do some emotional, mental and spiritual self care.
BOOM! I have a new focus!
And now, off to the gym!
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