Year Four, Day 311: Ch-ch-ch-changes - The Arrival of the Goosebumps!

Hi Friends!

Here I am again.  But happier than when I last posted. Mostly happier.  If you ignore the fact that I have a big gaping hole in the middle of my chest. Not visible to the naked eye, but I can feel it.  It is almost like a living thing, pulsating. Opening wider when I draw my attention to it.

Yes, I miss the man. But this space, I feel is necessary.

Yesterday I went to church with my son and his family.  A lovely, friendly, welcoming church. My grandson was welcomed by the nursery attendant. He ran into the little room with a big grin and hardly a glance back at us.  The baby came into the sanctuary with us.  She slept soundly in her little car seat on the floor between her mom's feet as the praise band belted out some very uplifting tunes. 

But the minute they stopped, her lower lip protruded and she howled!  So baby and her mom exited to the nursery.  Then the pastor prayed and begin his message. After a few minutes, I began to squirm. I felt, as I often do in church, that he was speaking directly to me and my issues! I figured many people were also thinking the same thing about themselves.  

Just then, my "co-grandma", as I call my daughter-in-law's mother, elbowed me.  Then my son, who was sitting on the other side of me, poked my shoulder. I glanced over at him and he raised an eyebrow.

I guess the message was directed at me!  I got goosebumps on my arms.  But I paid attention.  Of course now, with my very minimal memory cells, I can't quite recall the exact moment of the arrival of the goosebumps.  The pastor was preaching from John 15:

15 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.

9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love.  (John 15: 1-9, NIV)

Basically when the pastor began to speak about pruning, I began to get looks (and pokes) from my family. But I want to get the context correctly, so I am going to go back and listen to the recording of the sermon. I will get back to you on that.

A couple of thoughts I have, is that I need to get back to my roots. I need to get back to goodness, kindness, love, and hard work.  I have lost some of myself over the past few years.  

All in search of true love.  But in the process, I may have lost true love.  I turned away from my values and my God. At this moment, as I type this, I have the recording of the service going in the background.  I won't have time to listen to the sermon before I leave for work, but the opening song is bringing tears and those goosebumps. The song is "I Need You" by Matt Maher. Here are the opening lyrics:

"Lord I come, I confess

Bowing here, I find my rest

Without You, I fall apart

You're the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You

Every hour, I need You

My one defense, my righteousness

Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more

Where grace is found is where You are

And where You are, Lord, I am free

Holiness is Christ in me"

Next song was "Good Father" By Chris Tomlin.  Which cut deep as someone who does not have a good relationship with her earthly father.  
I will get back to this tomorrow. I still have much contemplation to do. 
Right now, I am focusing on my family, prayer and my teaching.  
And speaking of teaching, I had an "aha!" moment yesterday that moved me almost to tears. 

Yes, I know, I cry often. But listen to this:
I have a family of students - three sisters and their two cousins - who love piano lessons so much that they each asked for an extra lesson yesterday, which was spring break for them and me!  I adore this kids, so I agreed.  The last lesson of the night, was the oldest sister. She is 12.  We worked hard on her recital piece. She was very patient and focused. We had a few minutes at the end. I asked her if she had any questions, or would like to play a musical game with her time remaining. She said she wanted to ask me about my piano playing. She asked if my hands ever got tired and how much I practiced when I was younger.  Then she asked me if I would play a piece for her that was "special to me".  I paused as I felt my heart melt.  I told her I had so many pieces I loved, but since she was playing "Fur Elise" by Beethoven, I would play her a sonata by Beethoven. It gave me a chance to explain to her sonata form.  I picked a shorter sonata, which is essentially a sonatina. She called her sisters in and I gave them a little performance.  Afterwards they clapped and I thanked them and wished them a good week. After I signed off from Zoom (they have virtual lessons online); I just sat in front of the screen at my piano. For a long time.  

I realized something very important about myself, that I often forget.  I love people, but I am not so comfortable in many social situations.  I NEED music in my life.  The solitude that playing my piano for hours brings.  I am alone, but I am communicating with the universe on a level that I cannot quite explain when I become one with my instrument.  

See? It is hard to put into words without sounding very corny.  But playing music is almost magical. It allows me to go deep inside and play notes in the order that someone thought was special enough to them to put down on paper to share with some unknown musician at some unknown time, perhaps after they have left their mortality behind. I feel a spiritual connection with the composers, God, the universe...sigh. Words are not enough...

OK. Now I am rambling. I need to close this post and get ready for work. But one plan for my mental and emotional health?  

Play music.  Practice for the beauty of  the music.  For my sanity and clarity. For the pure joy of it.

That is part of what I am missing in my life.  

Besides God of course.  First God. Next music.  Because if I am not balanced and joyful, I will not be an effective teacher, mother, Zma, aunt, great aunt, friend, sister, daughter...

Basically, I will not be the best Me!

On that note, I wish you joy and peace this Monday!
Love,

Zita

PS.  If I am truly serious about growing, I need to read my own blog posts! In particular this one about detachment which I wrote nearly ONE WHOLE YEAR AGO! 

https://soulrunnings.blogspot.com/2021/06/year-four-day-288-like-warrior.html