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Year Four, Day 122: Anthony Bourdain, The Philipines, A Millet Tobouli and Me

Sanctuary by William Faulkner is deep. And disturbing. It took me a bit to get into it.  I need to slow down my reading with this novel. 

I am taking a break from it. 

Deep and disturbing is not what I need today. Not when I am feeling depression creeping around the base of skull, squeezing my temples, scurrying across my chest...Oh I do need to put down the Faulkner for a bit!

I am alone this weekend. My daughter, son-in-law and granddaughter are on vacation. They even took the dog!  I was so looking forward to some time alone. Time to read, clean, relax, cook, hoop, work on my Qi Gong...

And I need it.  I get tossed about by the world. All the noise. Tone of voice, demands, unvoiced expectations and most of all my inner critical voice. That no one but me can hear. 

The Qi Gong is helping. 

But I took today off from teaching to rest and practice for the two Easter Sunday services I am playing this weekend. But the apartment seems so empty. And I felt so tired, I contemplated a nap. I actually lay down for a bit. With Sanctuary. Not a wise decision. Not comforting!

So I got up and did some Qi Gong with a DVD I rented from the library: "Simple Qigong Exercises for Back Pain Relief" by Yang, Jwing-Ming.

 It is excellent.  He focuses on slow relaxed stretching with lots of deep breathing. He emphasizes holding the stretch, breathing and relaxing into it. I realized that I usually stretch and push to my limits, instead of relaxing. This, Mr. Yang advised is counter productive since it tightens the muscles!

 After my stretching, I felt a bit better. I made some tea and heated up the spaghetti sauce I cooked yesterday in the crockpot. I put it over gluten free pasta. It was very tasty!  While I ate, I decided I would feel comforted by watching a cooking show on Netflix.  

 I chose Anthony Bourdain's "Part's Unknown" visit to the Phillipines.  Again, my life seems to be following an invisible thread. I recently read The Reckoning by John Grisham which takes place partially in the Phillipines during the "Bataan Death March".  

 And I have a book on hold at the library:  America's heroic fight for Bataan and Corregidor.  

 I guess I have The Phillipines on the brain. Anthony Bourdain's daughter was raised by a Filipino nanny. He spent time in Manila on his television show.  One of the largest cities in the world, but with the kindest people.  But work is scarce, so an enormous amount of Filipino's work in other countries and send money and gifts home to their families.  Family and religion are their priorities.

I found myself studying Anthony Bourdain.  I kept looking for signs of depression. I saw them, but not sure if I imagined it or not.  But I seemed to pick up traces of  pain in his eyes.  I've always enjoyed his rather sarcastic humor. But the episode I watched in the Phillipines was filmed over Christmas.  The gaiety of holidays often gets to me. It seemed to get to him too. He tried out a Phillipino fast food restaurant called "Jollibees".  He tried the spaghetti with hot dogs, and fried chicken. Then he smeared some brown gravy on his rice, looked right into the camera and said, "I hate myself".

 My blood turned cold.

 I turned off the television and headed out. I had to get some air.  Be around people, but not talk to them.  Just feel like I was alive.  Of course I ended up at the library!  

 The library is a haven for introverts like me. The minute I walked in the door, I took a deep breath. I miss the smell of the library.  Yes, my sense of smell has still not returned.

 But I feel better being here. Among books, people who love books and computers. Where I can reach out to humanity without having to open my mouth.  

 I read a little bit more about Anthony Bourdain. And about suicide.  My heart aches for him and everyone who is in so much pain that ending life is their only solution. 

 And there are so many of them.

 I am going to read another Mitch Albom book tonight. His writing lifts me up. And with my mind on depression and suicide, reading about heaven seems in order. I wonder if God welcomes suicide victims into eternity?  I hope so.  

 I'm going to read The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Out of order. I previously read The Next Person You Meet in Heaven, which was written later.  At least I'll be familiar with some of the characters.

 This time alone, truly alone is good for me.  I hope I will emerge rested, kinder and somewhat wiser.

 But now, I must sign off. I am headed to the grocery store.  A millet tabouli salad is calling my name!
Talk to you tomorrow.

 Happy Thursday!

Love,

 Zita



P.S. Today is Day 47 of my daily hooping/Qi Gong. Below is the video. 




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