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Year Four, Day 174: A Slender Corpse

Today has been difficult.

It started out o.k. Got really painful and weird and then suddenly I broke through the wall and I feel a bit better than o.k.

As I got on the bus with my "happy iced tea" (my new concoction for fasting times from Starbucks.  Iced black tea with a splash of heavy cream and two pumps of sugar free vanilla syrup.  Tastes almost like a Thai iced tea. And helps me through the hunger pangs.  With less jitters than my "happy coffee"), an older woman said to her companion, "I'm hot and tired and I have a headache. I have a dollar to my name, but at least I have a new tent!"

I smiled at her as I debussed.  I too was hot and tired. I also had a headache. But I have a bit more than a dollar to my name. And I have a roof over my head.  I should not complain!

But earlier today, I felt like curling up in a fetal position in the corner and sobbing.  I do not really know why. I just felt really blue.

But I didn't give in. And as I wrestled with difficult emotions, I wondered if this had something to do with my fasting. As I lose weight, my armor of fat is disappearing. And all the hurts of my life are being exposed. I am no longer insulated!

I think what made today difficult is that I deviated from my schedule.  Lately, I do seem to function better if I stick to a plan.  I've always enjoyed planning.  I have boxes of day planners in my storage unit. I am most proud of my fasting planner. To the amateur, it looks like a crazy mess. But to me, the profession planner it makes absolute sense! And the process of writing it all down helps me stay on course.



I almost blew it today.  Today was breakfast with my mom day.  She picked me up at 6:00 a.m. We had coffee and then went to a cute little restaurant downtown Vancouver.  I wasn't hungry at all. But our breakfast is our mother-daughter tradition. I told myself I would have a small breakfast, and then still begin my fast at 2:00 -2:30 p.m. as usual.  I would just have a larger eating window today.

It started out fine. We had a lovely visit as usual. My mother is very entertaining.

After breakfast, we came back to my daughter and son-in-law's place and hung out with my granddaughter. Who is even more entertaining.

But after my mom left, I felt extremely tired, heavy and achy.  Luckily my granddaughter was in a snuggly mood. I fed her breakfast, played a bit, colored a bit, and then watched "E.T." for the 50th time. After her dad came to pick her up, I packed my day bag and headed off to Portland to teach.

But on the bus, my heart start racing, my head felt like it was going to explode, and my stomach lurched.  I got out my phone to play a mindless puzzle game. But it irritated me so much I ended up uninstalling it. I tried to read my latest Richard Paul Evans book: Walking on Water, but my stomach started lurching. I had to close my eyes. At which point the tune "Baby Shark, Do Do Do Do Do Do"
started racing maniacly throug my head! I thought I was going to have to get off the bus. Unfortunately this happened on I-5. In heavy traffic.

It took several hours, but I worked through it.  I almost just said, "to heck with this fast", but as 2:00 p.m. approached, I realized I want to stick with this. I have come so far.  I had considered giving myself a cheat day and taking myself out to dinner after my students at 4:00 p.m. But I knew I would regret it.

So I stopped at the olive bar at Fred Meyers and picked up some olives, feta cheese, artichokes and domathes (stuffed grape leaves). Then I grabbed an unsweetened iced tea and sat down in the nice air conditioned cafe with my book. My heart settled down. I ate a lovely lunch, which I finished precisely at 2:00.

Then my spirits lifted. I need to do this. I need to succeed.  But I do not need to be mean to anyone in the process. Especially myself.

As I type this, my headache has vanished.

I am most proud of myself for not giving in. Some people in my fasting circles give themselves "cheat days", but it would turn into a slippery slope for me. I would slide back to my evil old toxic relationship with food.

This is the new me!

Here is a blog post on cheat days. Wish I would have read it earlier as I wrestled with my demons!
https://omaddiet.com/omad-cheat-days/

I am going to continue fasting this evening. I will break my fast a little earlier than usual tomorrow morning, since I teach in the mornings on Saturday. But I will stick with my 2:00 eating curfew. My motto now is "I don't eat after 2:30 p.m.".

Simple enough.  But today as I wrestled with my dark side, I almost gave in and went to McDonald's for a quarter pounder with cheese, fries and a Diet Coke during my eating window.

And what purpose would that have served? It would be like moving backwards. I picture myself moonwalking like the late Michael Jackson, with a McD's bag in hand.

If I am going to do this, I am going to do it right!

So much of my life in the last 20 years has been justifying my eating disorder. I would always tell myself that I would deal with it later. At the moment, I would just comfort myself with this here...(Fill in the blank...usually chips, dip, Diet Coke, pizza, fries, burgers...you get the picture!)

I would thoroughly enjoy my comfort binging, but always regret it.

Well the time is now. There is no later, unless we are speaking of the grave - and I do not want to plan on being a slender corpse!

O.K. That was quite morbid. But maybe what I need vivid reminders of the truth.

I want to be alive when I finally reach a healthy weight!

Oy, the lights are flashing here in the library. They are closing in 10 minutes.

I will leave you with my rantings. And talk to you tomorrow!

Happy Friday!

Love,

Zita


P.S. At least I hooped today! Day 116


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