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Year Two, Day 346: Awkward Me

For an introverted, socially awkward woman, I have had quite a social weekend!

Yesterday, it was breakfast with the family and a chamber music concert I performed in.

Today, it was church followed by a women who worked at Mercedes Credit Corporation reunion luncheon.

I had not seen most of these women for over 25 years!

After church, as I started out to the restaurant we were to be meeting at, my heart started thudding.    I was more nervous about this lunch, then getting on stage and performing. But I was not going to back out. I really wanted to see my friends.  Thankfully, one of my best friends was there. I met her on the job over 30 years ago. I only worked with these ladies for 3 years or so, but have always kept in touch with my good friend. She has been the bridge to my keeping up with them. Well, her and Facebook.

I enjoyed myself, despite the thudding heart. Yes, I was a little awkward. But I always am. However, we promised to meet more regularly and include more of the gang. The interesting thing is, as we were sharing memories, how one person would mention something I had completely forgotten. Which would trigger one of my memories. It was like a group memory exchange. Synapses were firing all around! Plus, it was actually really interesting finding out where life had taken us all over the last quarter of a century!

My good friend bought me a little figurine to honor my new Grandma status. It is the sweetest little thing. I think I shall bring her with me to my church job tomorrow and put her on  my desk.




I think part of my nerves, besides my usual social anxiety, is that I really didn't like who I was back then.  Most insecure was I - even more than I am now!  I didn't have a really sense of who I was or where I was going.

Do I now?  A little.  My faith in God is strong. My connections to  my family, even though a little frayed, are strong. The love is definitely there.  And I truly are interested in other people, once I get past my own insecurities. 

Back then, I had my looks.  I guess now I have my heart.

I needed to calm myself after lunch, so straight to the library I came!  Walking in the doors, I exhaled. I feel at home here.

And the DVD I was excited about was waiting for me in the "holds" section. I put "The Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency - Complete First Season" on hold.  I am most excited! This will be a nice treat for me to unwind after my most social weekend.



But lo and behold, as I logged onto my computer I heard a familiar voice. I looked up and saw a man I dated briefly from a church I attended years ago. He was on a computer with his wife. Unfortunately I stared. I mistook them for a couple at my current church. She looked up and recognized me and came over to greet me.  It was a relief really.  She is a lovely woman. I dated him briefly before they were engaged. He and I were quite awkward.  I really am an awkward person. I do not know how to be otherwise.

Awkward is also a very awkward word!  Awkward to say, and the more I look at it on the screen, the more, well awkward it looks!


I guess I can just accept and love myself, awkwardness and all.  What else can I do? It would be a very boring world indeed if we were all the same.

When I was younger, I tried to conform. It was not as difficult then. Because I could look the part.  Dress in trendy clothes.  Do the hair - "big hair" was the trend back in the day.  I was pretty good at acting the part.

But part of my journey of self fulfillment is shedding the outer layers. I think I shared on this blog some time ago, that I am like an onion.  I am shedding off the rough papery layers to find my soul underneath.

Still peeling off layers.  But in the process, sometimes I find layers I had forgotten about, or had buried in shame.

Hopefully by the time my granddaughter is born, I will be down to my authentic self. Ready to welcome a new life.

And ready to embrace my new role in the family and my new name, "Grandma Zita".






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