Year Four, Day 221: Ninja Turtle Style!

I am struggling today.

Well, perhaps I should rephrase that: I am struggling at the moment.  Each day seems to have extreme highs, lots of middles and some lows.

In circle time at the music center, I draw three faces on the chalkboard.

☺️ = Yay! 

😐  =   Meh!

😠   = Bleh!

Then I ask who had a "Yay!" week, a "Meh!" week and a "Bleh!" week.  The kids love it and it's been a great ice breaker.  Some kids just don't always have fun and exciting things to share about their weeks.

If they say they had a "Bleh!" week, I'll ask them if they want to share. If they don't, I don't push them.

Today I wish I had a Teacher Zita to talk to me about my week.  My mostly "Bleh!" week!

I am finding myself increasingly alone in my challenges.  Especially this time of year. I know there are other people who aren't out there Ho Ho Hoing and Decking them Halls, but I feel alone in my misery.

Except I'm not really miserable. I have moments of profound sadness when I think about my son, but I thought I was helping by doing a lot of research here on the outside.

Not so. Apparently I am stressing everyone out around me.  He even called and asked me to chill out. I heard a new strength in his voice. So if I have to be the bad guy here to let my son grow up, so be it.

I should probably take my own advice and focus on the positive, keep my head up and keep busy.

But I want to curl up in a ball and cry for a long time.

I should probably take my own advice and pray like crazy. Suddenly my life seems impossible. One of my favorite verses in the Bible says, "For with God, nothing shall be impossible". (Luke 1:37 KJV)

Last night I played the piano in a lovely choir concert at the Community Music Center.  Something shifted for me yesterday. I usually get nervous before performances. My anxiety is not as severe as the stage fright of my youth. But it's still there.

Especially since I have not had much piano practice for the last year.  Caring for my granddaughter,teaching, spending time with my mother who is the caregiver for my ailing father, accompanying my son on his legal journey the past year, and now providing whatever support I can to him while he's incarcerated, and spending time with my new grandbaby...I am severely lacking in piano time!

Thankfully I play for church services every Sunday, and accompany two choirs a week.

Plus, yesterday was mostly unaccompanied ("a capella").  I just shadowed them light in the background to help them maintain pitch.

But I had been asked to play a piano solo. I played to lovely French Christmas carols and variations in a Baroque style.  Not very difficult. I had some angst the week before, because they seemed too simple for a solo.

But then, I realized it was a blessing.  I kept it simple in my perfomance. I actually lovingly embraced the simplicity. And I added an intro and an ending.  I didn't overplay.  In fact, I think I underplayed. And the audience responded enthusiastically!

I have also stepped back in my church playing. I think I have been overdoing it over the years. Wanting to make my music "art" and "worshipful". But instead, I think I have been calling attention to myself. No one seemed to mind a bit that I played much softer and in the background last Sunday. I am playing the "Holden Evening Prayer" service tonight for the second week of Advent.  Last week I got many comment on the lovely music. It was the night before my son was sentenced. I felt quite numb. I'm glad that didn't show in my music.

As I am typing my thoughts, I wonder if that is the center of my struggle. That I over do things. I over think them. Try to make everything perfect, fix things, make things into art.

Perhaps I should just fade into the background.  

But something inside of me says no.  I cannot imagine me sitting around watching television, or sitting back and saying everything is fine.

Perhaps I am annoying. But I love my family. I love my friends. I love pretty much everyone, except for when they are mean and then I want to go back into my turtle shell.

Perhaps I am a Ninja Turtle!  

I attack, defend and then retreat!

This is an insane post today. But I feel a bit better. I am going to try and get to the gym before the service tonight. And you know, I've missed my hooping sessions the past several days. I definitely feel more balanced when I hoop.

If you are a praying person, please keep my son in your prayers. 

And I will pray for you all! Ninja Turtle style!

Happy Wednesday!

Love,

Zita