“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”
~Thomas Merton
I need to read Merton everyday. I wish I could have met him, just sat with him and smiled at him for awhile.
I am still feeling quite tense today. Yet I have accomplished so much! My heart has been racing all day. Is it too much caffeine? Too much worry? I am perhaps merely manic?
I could hardly sleep last night. Was thinking about my parents. I have decide to re-prioritize my life. My grandchildren are at the top of my priorities. They are helpless and dependent. My parents are next. My daughter and son are adults now. And while I love them madly, I need to detach a bit.
My parents on the hand, are becoming like my grandchildren. Helpless. Dependent.
I met my mother for lunch today. We went to one of our favorite Vancouver diners: Paul's Restaurant. Our favorite waitress greeted us with a big smile. We had enormous, juicy cheeseburgers. My mother looked more relaxed than she has in a long time.
She told me that my father is resting. He took his meds and actually drank a whole glass of water. I told her that I felt bad that I have not helped her more the last few years. I had been focused on my new granddaughter, and have been responsible for much of her care. During that time also I had dealt with the cough from hell. But now my asthma is under control. I have a better relationship with food. I am exercising daily. And my granddaughter is growing up. My new grandson lives with his mom and grandma. I will be visiting and babysitting, but he is well cared for.
My son, although incarcerated is doing well. We talk daily.
But my parents need help. They finally are at the point where they admit it. My mother has been caring for my father full time for the last several years since his stroke and Parkinson's Disease diagnosis. She has never asked for help.
She is exhausted. Her back hurts. So we talked strategy today over our burgers. We found a day in my schedule every week that I can come over and help clean, organize, shop, whatever they need.
This feels right. I wish I could find the Thomas Merton quote that so moved me yesterday. I was reading one of his journals. Have I mentioned how much I connect to Thomas Merton? He was a highly intelligent man; highly spiritual, sincere, devout and incredibly humble. And he questioned constantly.
He was talking about a decision he had to make about a monastery. I do not remember the details. But he talked about how tense he felt inside and knew it was not right. But when the right choice came along, he felt he could breathe freely.
I resonate with this completely - even though I cannot locate the exact quote!
Deciding to reorder my life a bit to be of assistance to my parents feels so right. Especially since they are graciously accepting my help.
Unfortunately the day I chose is also the day that a monthly meeting is held at my church gigs. Have I mentioned how much I despise meetings? Especially church meetings?
Well in case you missed it: "I despise meetings!"
I may be taking my life and myself too seriously lately, but my experience with these meetings is that I not only feel tense inside, I literally want to upchuck, so much is my discomfort!
There is much small talk, poking fun, complaining, talking, talking, talking....arrrrg!
I have asked if I could just submit my hymn suggestions via email, but it was not readily accepted. Now with my father's ailing health and my mother's need for assistance, I once again asked to be excused. At least from January's meeting.
Is it selfish of me to want to distance myself from superficial people when I am standing on the great abyss? When I am pondering life or death matters?
I prefer not to put my needs ahead of others. If they are feeling happy, and yippy skippy, well...yippy skippy doo dah away! I have had my moments of giddiness.
But do not expect me to grin like a fool and go along when I am hurting inside for my loved ones.
I do not wish to be a soul sucker or an energy vampire. Just give me solitude, thank you very much.
Oy, I am beastly today. I need to re-read yesterday's blog. Especially the part about praying for those who annoy me. Right now I need to pray for myself. Because I am annoying myself!
I am feeling discontent. Luckily today is one of my rare days off. Today I do not teach. It will be a good day to pray, walk and ponder. Read some Thomas Merton, read the Bible, finish knitting my dad's prayer socks. Oh, and I almost forgot! I am reading a fascinating new book:
Illuminating the Way: Embracing the Wisdom of Monks and Mystics by Christine Valters Paintner
I told you I like Monks!
I particularly like the format of this book. it focusss on 12 of the great Christian monks and mystics, including St. Francis and Thomas Merton of course! The author is steeped in creative exploration: prayers, poetry and drawing mandalas! I first discovered the mandala when I read about Hildegard von Bingen many years ago. I think I may stop and get some paper and colored pencils. That might provide the calm my inner beast is needing.
Maybe it will help me with my agonizing feelings of discontent. The answer is here somewhere. I know I need to help my parents. I need to continue babysitting my granddaughter. And my grandson. I need to continue teaching. And exercising.
But this church job is what is bugging me.
My challenge here is that I enjoy the piano playing part of the job. And I need the money. But I am having a hard time with the meetings and I am feeling pressured to be someone I am not.
Aaaahhh! I feel a Merton quote coming on.
And here it is:
"Finally I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am.
That I will never fulfill my obligation to surpass myself unless I first accept myself, and if I
accept myself fully in the right way, I will already have surpassed myself."
– Thomas Merton
His words are like warm water rushing into my poor fractured soul.
Thank God for Thomas Merton.
Thank God for this blog. I am feeling the tension subside.
Thank God I am continuing to exercise daily. Today, for example, I woke up at 5:30, hooped and then went for a brisk walk. It was still dark, cool and crisp. I carried my bat light for protection. It felt exhilarating!
I stopped for coffee and finished my mom's prayer socks. Then I went for a brief workout at the gym! All of this before my early lunch with my mother!
Perhaps I am over caffeinated.
I almost feel like I need another workout!
What I really would like is a different church job. One that paid a bit more and required fewer meetings. And if there were meetings, just stick to the facts, M'am.
I feel a tad bit better now. I think I will go read some Thomas Merton and then stop for a cup of herbal tea. I am not much into alcohol, although a glass of something strong sounds good right about now. Luckily I have learned that the instant gratitude is not worth the blurry mind and grogginess the next day.
I am actually glad I am feeling so energetic, even though I am a tad beastly. Because I will need this energy to help my parents.
I think next time I go to the gym I will lift some weights. I've been doing mostly cardio. Weights seem to tame the beast.
I also must admit I have not been practicing or playing the piano for enjoyment. My little church prefers soft music, not too fast, not too slow. I've pulled way back and find I just need to run through the music before service.
I played from my soul for the candlelight Christmas Eve service. It felt spiritually led. And I had practiced maybe 20 minutes.
I feel I've kind of been overdoing it as a church musician. I have gotten more compliments since I faded into the background.
Maybe that is why my beast has awakened? Am I feeling too invisible?
Oy. No more questions. Time for Merton. And herbal tea.
Hopefully I will be a more pleasant beast tomorrow!
Happy Saturday!
Love,
Zita
P.S. On the way to the library earlier, I felt almost like I was going to have a panic attack. Thankfully I have some weapons in my arsenal. Older and wiser, yes! I looked for the newest tree. And I walked right across the street and put my hands on it rough bark. And breathed. I felt instantly calmer. I can see it in my face. The calmness. Sadly I did not take a before picture!
But I did record my hooping this morning. Day 201! I got weird and put disco lights in the video. Squint a bit and you can see I am wearing my Star Wars t-shirt. It goes with the music quite well, don't you think?
P.P.S. I just received insight from one of my spiritual prayer partners. I had a big "aha" moment. She mentioned being present during this process. And I realized that my usual method in life when I encounter difficulties, is to tell myself it will be over soon. But I do not want to rush through my parents last moments on earth. There has been much healing and forgiveness during this time. Much love. And in the end, that is what matters...
And here comes another Merton quote!
"To say that I am made in the image of God is to say that Love is the reason for my
existence, for God is love. Love is my true identity. Selflessness is my true self. Love is my
true character. Love is my name."
– Thomas Merton
O.K. I am really signing off now.
Manic Me Over and Out!
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