Year Four, Day 222: Quicksand

Today has been a much better day than most days this last week.

One week ago today, my son was sentenced and hauled off in handcuffs.

It has been a rollercoaster of emotions. For all of us.

But today, I feel calm. Probably because of a conversation I had with my son first thing in the morning.

Below is an excerpt of a post from my blog "13 Months" which is a daily blog about my son's incarceration. I may or may not publish it, so I am keeping it private. When he is released, I will print it out for him. We will decide then what to do with his story.

13 Months: Day 8: A New Level

Andrew called me early this morning. He sounded more cheerful. I was careful not to instill anxiety. I asked him how his evening was last night. He told me it was better. He said that he appreciates all I have done for him, but I don't need to worry. He's got this!

This is a new level. My son reassuring me.  I like it!

I asked him if he had eaten breakfast yet. He said he did, but he's not much of a breakfast person. Today they had breakfast sandwiches. 

"Do they give you coffee?" I asked.

"No, some kind of tea".

"But we had fajitas for dinner last night. They were pretty good!"  

His tone of voice sounded happier. 

"Mom, a week ago today we were sitting at Biscuits Cafe. Having our last breakfast together. Time is flying!" he said.

Indeed it is! I was dreading December 5th, his sentencing date. And here we are already, a week later. He told me he was going to work out. They have equipment there. And then he could take a shower. He told me they can take showers anytime they are "out walking". Which means out of their cells. They get about 4 hours of out time a day.

They also have clothing exchange every few days. This is where they turn in their dirty clothes and get clean clothes.

After he works out and showers, he usually grabs a book off the shelf before he goes into his cell.  He is reading a mystery now.  He told me he is starting to feel calmer. Calm enough to focus on a book. 

"They also have a bunch of tv's turned to different channels", he informed me.  

I'm glad he's working out and reading instead of just staring blankly at a screen.

I am feeling calmer today.  I think asking him about the details of  his day keeps us both focused on the present.

Funny, I think about the words of advice I have given him. Words that have been echoed by friends and family:

"Keep your head up. Focus on the positive. Read. Pray. Exercise.  Go to classes.  Establish a routine.  Take one day at a time."

I should follow my own advice!

My son's incarceration is the headline in my life right now.  Right up there with my son's baby boy, born just over a month ago, my 2 + year-old granddaughter who is my light, my mother who is my confidante, my daughter who is my sometimes my best friend and sometimes my antagonist, my music which is always healing, my students who are always inspiring and God who is always waiting with open arms when I remember to turn to Him.

I need to remember, as I told my son that nothing is impossible with God. (But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” ~ Matthew 19:26 NKJV)

Sometimes my life feels like I am writhing around in quick sand. When I was little I was afraid of quicksand.  Probably because my dad, quirky dude that he is, would often quiz me about how I would escape if I found myself sinking in quicksand.  I wonder now, why he didn't perhaps ask me what to do in case of fire, flood or earthquake? But no, with my dad it was quicksand.  And I know that one must not writhe about and fight quicksand. It will make you sink quicker. You must relax, breathe and lay back as if floating on water.  You will rise to the top.  He never told me what would happen after that. Hopefully someone would be conveniently nearby with a rope to hoist me to safety!

Anyway, my dad's odd advice from 50 years ago could be applied to today. "Don't writhe about and fight it. You will only sink faster!  Breathe and lay back. You will float to the surface!"

And I would like to add:  "Breathe, lay back and pray.  Trust your worries to God.  Do not fight and writhe about.  Let yourself relax. And the answer will float to the surface of your mind!"

Wise words coming from out of the depths of my being!

On that note, I'm heading to the grocery store. I am home alone with the dog. I plan on making some healthy vegan meals.  I don't plan on giving up meat altogether, but now that I have had success with intermittent fasting for nearly 6 months, I am ready to take it to the next level and clean up my diet. I saw a program earlier about a convicted felon who turned his life around in prison. He became a vegan, and a personal trainer. He worked with a young woman who began at over 300 pounds. She adapted a vegan diet and he trained her for a year.  She got down to 140 pounds and ran a marathon. Her doctors could not believe the transformation. They asked her what her trick was. She told them there was no trick. She just exercises every day and had a plant based diet.

So my plan is to continue to exercise daily, but more.   To continue intermittent fasting: My eating window is usually 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. every day.  And in that window to get more plant based foods.  Perhaps I shall be vegan again, but one thing at a time! We don't want to disturb this unusual state of calm I find myself in today!

On that note, I wish you a happy, safe and blessed Thursday!

Talk to you tomorrow!

Love,

Zita 

P.S. Yes, I hooped today! That always makes a big difference!  Day 194: