Year Two, Day 40: A Glimpse of Me

 I am here in my office.  The library.  My home away from home.

Although lately, I have been craving nature.  And many trees. Like the trees in Leach Botanical Gardens. I can't wait to go back!

But there are dark clouds gathering and threats of thunder and rain.  So the library is my office for now. Tomorrow, I am going for a long nature walk.

And I may stop at the Franz Bakery Outlet. They have gluten free bread! :) (Sorry for the fuzzy picture. But there in the window, I saw a sign that said "Gluten-Free Bread" Yay!)

About that massage yesterday.  It had been a long time since I had received a good deep massage.  My last few massages were at "The Amazing Foot Spa" which has since gone out of business.

I am quite sad about that. I enjoyed the hot foot soak beforehand.  The gentle music. Dim lights. And the predictability. Always the same routine. Very comforting.

The masseur did not speak much English, but we communicated quite well.  He did not do really deep specific work. More of a general, relaxing flowing style. I would often nod off.

Not so with yesterday's massage! No nodding off for me!

The massage therapist was quite excellent. But thumbs of iron!  I actually had to ask her to ease up on the pressure. Which was amazing. I don't think I've ever asked for less pressure.

Back in the day, I would have my kids walk on my back. And when I got a massage, it was never deep enough. Massage therapists used their elbows.

So, I must be getting a bit wimpy in my old age.  But I do feel better today. More limber. A little sore between the shoulder blades. But that is exactly what I needed!  And she had some good healthy suggestions.

One was the rowing machine. To strengthen my upper back and chest. I apparently have "rounded posture" from all my time on the computer and piano.

Her suggestion made me happy. I like the rowing machine!  I used to row quite a lot back in the day. Seems like I need to make "back in the day"  today!

Also, she did some deep work on my left elbow which has been giving me trouble ever since the awkward blood draw at the clinic several months ago.

I have been afraid of this pain. Afraid that it might be permanent or might get worse, or God forbid, inhibit my piano playing. Which, ironically I have not been doing much of lately.

I need to get my life back!

The day after the most recent horrendous shooting in Orlando, I was sitting at the kitchen table with my prayer journal and a bowl of granola. I had not begun to write. I was feeling quite down. My son-in-law had the radio on. 104.1 The Fish. He pretty much always has this station on.  Just then I notice the lyrics of the song that was playing:

"Tell Your Heart To Beat Again"

Danny Gokey

You're shattered
Like you've never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you're never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It's alright now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story's far from over
And your journey's just begun

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
'Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven's working
Everything for your good

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
You don't live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you've been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again 

It was like a faucet turned on. I sobbed and sobbed. My heart ached for all the victims, for all the hate and cruelty in this world and for my depression. My depression that was there as an under current before this last shooting. But I tried to suppress.  Now it came to the surface.  I cried and cried listening to these words.
  

And then I prayed.

And now I am finally starting to rise back up.  Sadly, there are families and loved ones that have so much more to overcome than I.  I prayed for them. And I prayed for our broken world.

Yesterday, after my massage, I went to my favorite used bookstore and allowed myself to get lost for an hour before I taught my only student.

As usual, my student inspired me.  I felt like I was not merely treading water, but had risen up and was floating.  I felt like I had a purpose.

This comes up a lot for me.

Later in the evening, I was contemplating bed and an episode of Boston Legal. My daughter came home from work and said her shoulders hurt and would I be interested in giving her a shoulder rub? I laughed and told her about my massage experience. We both agreed my daughter needs to experience my therapists deep touch. The women in our family, at least my mom, daughter and I all have backs like tortoise shells.  And a lot of pain and stiffness.

As we sat there, bonding over a shoulder rub, she noticed an old picture I had up near the television. It was of my brother's wedding about 10 years ago. 

"You were much larger back then, mom", she commented.

"Really?" I asked absentmindedly.  "I have no concept of my appearance."

My daughter laughed, and she said, "I know, Mom, because you don't know who you are".

We both laughed. I have often said I don't know who I am. I just walk around in this body, but have no clue.

But I thought about it later. Before I fell asleep. And today on my way to Mass. Where the lay minister said with all the pain in this world, we need to focus on the LOVE.

I agree.  But sometimes it is so hard.

Especially when you don't know who you are.

But when I teach piano, I know who I am. I am a teacher. And these trusting students who accept my instruction warm my heart. There is love there.

And today, after my last student, I sat down to the grand piano in the church where I teach on Saturdays and I played.  Just like last week.  For joy.

And suddenly, I started to feel it.  My soul.  I know who I am to God. I am His child!

His musical child! Perhaps when I finally meet God it will be something like music. Communicating on an entirely new an wonderful way. Without the hindrance of human language. Flowing freely, above conscious thought. Like music.

Do I sound insane?  I really felt an inkling of the real me.  When I stopped thinking words. When I stopped have feelings associated with words, and simply stayed in the moment, the music talked to me. In a language my soul can understand. And it was like my heart softened, and I exhaled.

I did not feel like crying.

Suddenly I felt like smiling.

For that moment, I finally saw the real me.  And I kind of like her.  :)

Happy Saturday!