I am having one of my extremely low energy days. My heart feels heavy. There is a tired, sad feeling right behind my eyes if that makes sense. I can see it in the selfie I took. My hair reflects the chaos in my soul (and the bitter wind that has been whipping me about from bus stop to bus stop today!)
I can feel the "D" word lurking around the corner. I wished I could have just pulled the blankets over my head this morning and stayed in bed.
But I have a strong work ethic. And I've discovered one way to keep the "D" word at bay, is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
So I did. I got out of bed. I made my morning tea. I had a bowl of instant grits for breakfast.( (Grits has always been one of my comfort foods. Must be my Texan background!)
I did a shortened version of my prayer, journaling and bible study since I was moving so slowly.
Today I had a rehearsal for the "Penguin Musical" at a school. All first graders. Most adorable. I love the woman who writes these. She absolutely loves what she does and it shows. And it did lift my spirits. A bit.
I decided to take myself out for lunch in the hopes of lifting myself further out of the pit. I went to "Hoho". An old family favorite. I ordered cashew shrimp and hot and sour soup. Delicious as usual. I read a bit from Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely by Lysa TerKeurst. I feel like she is my soul sister. Even though we have never met and probably never will.
I almost dropped my chopsticks when I read,
"It's painful to be in a crowded room and fell all alone...We must respect ourselves enough to break the pattern of placing unrealistic expectations on others. After all, people will not respect us more than we respect ourselves...some of our biggest disappointments in life are the result of expectations we have of others that they can't ever possibly meet...Unrealistic neediness is actually greediness in disguise. It's saying, 'My needs and desires deserve to tap into or possibly even deplete yours.' This will never set a relationship up for success."
Oy. The truth hurts. But then the truth sets us free. As much work as I have done on myself, it is just the tip of the iceberg. And suddenly it dawned on me. I mean, suddenly, as in RIGHT THIS MOMENT as I am typing this. The gloom has lifted a bit. Perhaps God gives me these under the weather, fighting with the "D" word days to give me a chance to hit the pause button. To be still and reflect. To look deep inside myself. To face my truth and let Him mold me.
I just took a deep breath. And I just smiled a bit. I think I am going to just let my thoughts end here.
Pause, breathe, smile. Go teach some piano students.
And keep the "D" word in the dungeon where he belongs!
Love, Joy and Peace to you all,