Year Two, Day 270: Whopper Therapy

Whopper with Cheese on Rice Cake

That is not the most flattering picture, but that Whopper with Cheese sandwiched between two rice cakes made me smile today. Plus a few more ingredients that helped me break through the wall of my latest depressive episode:

1. I got a good solid 8 hours of sleep last night. No dreams. No waking up in a state of panic. Just good ol' zzzz's!
2. I made myself get vertical and go to church. I was tempted to sleep in, but I knew I would regret it.
3. I cancelled my piano students for today. I did this a few days ago.  I applaud myself for this move.  I was feeling the depression loom and I knew I needed a day of solitude and freedom to think and just be.  I do need this. I think I will rework my schedule and budget so that I do not work Sundays.  Even God took a day of rest!
4. I had another moment of foresight. Last night my daughter was in a crockpot freezer meal prepping mood. We prepped several weeks of dinners and put them in freezer bags. She and her husband had also hit a whopper of a sale at the store. We had four dozen eggs lurking.  So I boiled about 10 of them last night. I packed a hard boiled egg, two rice cakes and a brand new pack of rice crackers along with my Bible, notebook and Kindle. I wrapped everything up in plastic seeing the flooding rains outside.
5. I also packed an extra pair of socks.
6. I ate my egg waiting for the bus.  Another wise move on my part: Weeks ago, I saw a mini bottle of "Tajin" at the 7-11 near  my house. I keep it in my purse for just these occasions - a hard boiled egg sprinkled with Tajin is most delicious!
7. I put the rice crackers on the refreshment table at church.  I did not have to fight temptation during coffee hour. Several other people commented how much they liked them.  
8. During service, I about dropped my Bible when the pastor, out of context said, "Feeling down or depressed? Get power, energy, and strength from the Word of God!" (Pastor Gary Glenney, Portland Bible Church). He then said that the things that do us the most good are often the things we avoid. Like going to the gym.  He is nearly 74 years old and can still deadlift over 300 pounds.  He also shared his eating plan, which included no wheat or sugar. Was he talking directly to me or what!?
9. After church, I felt the need to sit and reflect.  There was plenty of food at home, but I needed time alone. With a Whopper and a Diet Coke. So I stopped at the neighborhood Burger King. I did have fries with that. So not the best for my diet. But I felt pleased with the taste of the burger on the rice cake. And it was very peaceful reading, eating and pondering, while looking at the rain pummel the cars passing by.  And there was two adorable little boys sitting at the table next to me with their dad. They kept turning around and sharing random things with me. Like "I have a soda!" "Look at my toy!" I smiled and chatted with them and nodded at their dad. At which point the older boy said, "We also have a mom, you know!" 
10. Now I am at another very comforting place. The library. The rain is thundering on the roof, while we library patrons type away at computers, and look at books and DVD's. On the bus ride up, I heard an interview with the author of a book about Andrew Jackson: Andrew Jackson, His Life and Times by H.W. Brands. I am putting that book on hold as we speak. Then I will be helping one of my son's type up a resume. 

I am feeling almost normal. Well, perhaps I should choose another word. Because depressed is my normal. Not suicidally depressed, just low.  A little blue. So when I have a good day, I feel like dancing and singing.  I try to control it. Caffeine helps. Putting myself in teacher mode works most of the time. But covering it up can be exhausting.

I have a dear friend who reads my blog.  She texted me last night while I was asleep. She worries about me. That really touches my heart. She suggested I see a doctor about meds and counseling.

But I have gone that route. Honestly, I think that meds sent me into a manic stage that lasted several years.  I was so bubbly, carefree and giddy, I believe I was almost out of touch with reality. It is how I got into deep financial trouble, and addicted to eating in restaurants.  I had this devil may care attitude. I think back now and cringe at some of my irresponsible decisions. 

And counseling.  Yes, I have been to counseling.  I have had a few memorable, helpful sessions. But mostly I remember lots and lots of tears. Mostly on my part. I imagine some of my counseling cried or cursed me after some sessions.  Every time I had a new counselor, I would have to go back and relive old pain.  I spent so long explaining and getting them up to the present, it was exhausting.  I felt like I was providing lots of interesting psychological moments, but I rarely felt they helped me. More often they annoyed me, pissed me off and hurt my feelings. 

Not to knock counseling. It does help to talk to people.  But I had such low self esteem and issues with rejection, that counseling often hurt.

I think this blog helps me immensely. It gives me an outlet.  It is scary putting this all out there. Being so transparent and vulnerable. But I have gotten such warm comments from friends. My hope is that by me sharing my struggles, I can help someone else.

And now that I am having one of my good days, I am recommitting myself to my original mission for this blog: Daily exercise and healthy eating. I have discovered I am sensitive to wheat. I also can tell that sugar does not do anything good for me.  And I need lots of water, fresh fruits and vegetables.

And I need to get back to that gym!

The pastor of my church is my inspiration. 

And God and the Bible are my therapy.

Well, that and a Whopper on a rice cake!

Happy Sunday!