"I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without ever noticing it, live your way in the answer..."
~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet (From Driving Hungry: A Memoir by Layne Mosler)
I am feeling the need to make more changes. Not one for being stagnant or content.
I am beginning a new book today. Driving Hungry: A Memoir by Layne Mosler. It is a lovely book so far. Layne Mosler, the author begins with a trip to Buenos Aries to find her true calling. She had dreamt of owning a restaurant. She goes to Bueos Aires to be a food writer. But in the process, discovers the tango. That's as far as I've gotten. I am taking a break from Dean Koontz. Although I was quite captivated by the heroine of the Jane Hawk series, I may have identified with her a bit too strongly. The plot was sinister, but unnervingly believable. I started seeing danger around every corner, and studying people on the bus so much that I may have been making them feel uncomfortable.
As I sit here typing on a computer in the library on SE Woodstock, I see traffic flowing calmly by. A woman walks by with her son, who is chattering happily, holding a stack of books. The sky is a brilliant shade of a blue, with a few, puffy white clouds scattered about for contrast.
The air conditioner is blowing over my head, gently ruffling my hair. The other patrons in the library, are focused on their computers, or perusing the books on the shelves. No danger here.
Not sure why my heart is thudding so. Hopefully my new counselor will help address my anxiety.
I am still tackling my eating disorder. I am proud to say that I am still adhering to my intermittent fasting regimen. I am consistently closing my eating window between 2:00 and 3:00 p.m. every day. I usually open it between 10:00 a.m. and 11:00 a.m., except for the days when I have breakfast with my mother. Those days I open my window at 6:30 a.m. But I still close it around 2:30. Fasting after 3:00 p.m. has enormous benefits for me. First of all, proving to myself that I have willpower! Secondly, I get a big surge of energy when I start feeling hungry. I've conditioned myself to think of hunger pangs as positive. That I am burning fat, instead of feeling panicked, feeling like I need food now!
What I am going to change, starting today is eating much healthier in my window. I am considering going back to low carb. This scares me a bit, since I had such feelings of elation, freedom and relief when I learned many people that practice intermittent fasting don't worry at all about what they eat during their eating window. They eat whatever they want! But they are strict about not eating when their window closes.
I've accomplished that. But I'm feeling achy, tired, depressed, grumpy and slightly anxious. A feeling of impending doom. All the more reason to stay away from Dean Koontz!
I boarded a bus downtown this afternoon. The driver looked at me and laughed. "I remember you", she said with a big grin. "You wore that funny shirt I commented on!"
I remembered. But I was amazed. It was several weeks ago. I had gotten on the bus at that very same stop, downtown near the 24 Hour Fitness club. She said something about cookies and laughed. It wasn't until I had found a seat, that I looked down and realized I had worn a gray tank top to the gym with The Cookie Monster on the front, saying "Me want cookie!"
I laughed then, telling her I had forgotten I was wearing this shirt!"
Today I reminded her it was Cookie Monster and complimented her on her memory. She told me that she had given up sugar three months ago, so she probably had cookies on the brain. Then she proceeded to tell me how good she felt - so much energy, lost 25 pounds. She not only gave up sugar, she wasn't eating any processed foods.
She told me she had bone broth and sunflower seeds for lunch. "Who am I", she laughed.
I smiled and told her I had given up sugar too, but needed to clean up my diet. I didn't have time to tell her I was intermittent fasting because my stop was coming up.
I told her to keep on keeping on and waved as I debussed. She smiled. She was glowing.
I think she was an angelic messenger. Just this morning I decided that I was going to stay away from fast food. My next level of this eating plan will be to eat healthier in my window.
For lunch, I stopped at a food cart downtown near Portland State University. I had kafta over a green salad, hummus and tzaziki. The young man in the cart was so friendly. Middle Eastern music wafted out the window. An older woman in a veil, I am assuming was his mother was sitting in the back of the cart, peeling vegetables. She smiled at me. After my food was ready, I sat down at a little table behind their cart. I could hear the young man singing in what sounded like Arabic.
I felt happy. I often feel very tense and restless when I am doing what doesn't seem right. Even if it is something like what I am eating. But today, what I ate felt right. And was dang tasty!
I had a visitor at my table. He seemed to approve my choice. He stayed for quite awhile. I looked at him and smiled. I offered him a piece of slivered carrot and cabbage. He gave me a sidelong glance (well birds only have eyes on the sides of their heads!) and started coming forward to claim his treat, when a young man came whizzing by on his skateboard, startling him. He flew off. But I left his food in case he came back.
I he would have stayed longer. He was a pleasant lunch companion.
So, my positive changes for today are: Eat healthier during my eating window, read positive books, and take time to smile at people and other creatures!
Unfortunately, I did not get my hooping in today. Perhaps that is why I am so grumpy! I will make sure I get back on the hoop tomorrow!
Happy Thursday!
Talk to you soon.
Love,
Zita
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