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Year Three, Day 201: I Prayed and Prayed

My head is reeling.  I am also sleep deprived. I was up all night reading comments from concerned citizens about the alleged abduction of the three year-old Mariah Kay Woods in North Carolina.  Heartbreaking. I prayed and prayed.

Then, some time after midnight I got a text from my son's girlfriend. He has an unusual bruise on his head. His pupils are both the same size. He doesn't remember honking his head. No headache. Just weird bruise. She texted me a picture. Told them to call if he had any other strange developments.

I prayed and prayed.

Tossed and turned. Read about North Korea preparing to fire a missile at us. Prayed and prayed. Coughed a bit too. See, I think my cough is anxiety related!

Then, finally drifted off to sleep.

Only to be woken up at 6;30 a.m. to a text from my mom:

"They fired Matt Lauer"!

NOOOO!  I wanted to scream. I flipped on th me television. Just in time to catch Savannah and Hoda give the tearful announcement. Both visibly shaken. Me too. I felt like I wanted to throw up.

Now, I know I've mentioned in this blog before that I am not much of a television watcher. I'm not. But the Today Show is one of the rare programs I regularly turn on when I am home at that hour. It is one of the rare things my mother and I agree on. We both love Matt Lauer.  He has been a solid male presence in my life for many years.

It does to shatter one's reality to find out a person is not at all what they seem.

I heard someone say later, "I don't know what to say, how to act anymore in this world..."

I wanted to add, "Or what to believe!"

Then something snapped in my head.  How I want to be is kind.  A woman of integrity. Humble. Giving.  Much like the Savior I follow.

I had a nice moment of peace as this clarity filled my whole being.  The world is a mess. But we don't have to be!

And then...

The strangest thing happened to me on my way home tonight. I stopped at Laughing Planet after my last student. Had a lovely rice bowl with tempeh. And a glass of water. Needed some space to unwind and ponder. Unfortunately I got on Facebook seeking an update on Mariah Kay Woods. I had joined two Facebook groups:  "Mariah Kay Woods: Discussion and Discovery" and "Help Find Mariah Woods".  There had been no new developments. But many distraught anxious people. Much like myself. This little girl has touched so many of us.  The biggest fear I ever had was losing my child somehow. The nightmare here is that it is becoming apparent that her mother and her boyfriend may be involved in her disapperance.

My pulse was racing.  Head pounding.  I shed a tear. I prayed. And then I logged out of Facebook and headed home.  As I debussed at my stop, I heard a male voice say, "Miss, do yourself a favor and educate yourself on the Federal Reserve". I was just putting in my headphones to listen to my favorite radio program for my mile walk home: "Ground Zero with Clyde Lewis". Many call him a conspiracy theorist. I love Clyde.  He has fascinating discussions. With very intriguing callers. And the more I listen, the more I believe what he says over mainstream media.

Anyway, I looked in the direction of the male voice.  He was in his mid thirties, had the look of ex-military and he was talking to me, walking my way. I was a little alarmed. It was dark.  Noone on the streets except for us. I thought of Matt Lauer, Garison Keillor. Then I remembered who I was. And who I was not anymore.

I do not feel like a victim. He seemed a little intense, but I didn't sense danger.  I took out my earbuds.  And for the whole mile between the bus stop and my home, he talked.  And he was fascinating! He touched on many subjects that Clyde spoke about.  And also some topics that my ex has been ranting about.  But this young man made a lot of sense. He mentioned some books I should read, one being Defrauding America. Like my ex, he talked alot about the CIA and Agenda 21.  He had incredible knowledge of history, politicians, wars.  He told me he was a political science major.

He talked fast and intensely. but he made sense.  I listened and interjected on the rare occasions when I knew what he spoke of.  I wish I could have taken notes.

He walked me almost to my house where I told him I needed to say goodbye. I asked him his name. We shook hands. He gave me his email address and told me to email him with any questions.  He gave me "homework." He says nothing is what it seems these days. We must seek the truth and be vigilant.

Then he waved good-bye and walked off into the night. I never felt threatened. He was absolutely a gentleman.

I had to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming.  I had been just pondering the way I interacted with men. With all the allegations of sexual misconduct coming out daily, many people are questioning if women and men can even flirt anymore. I remember begin described as flirtatious.  I know I have been. I believe I still am. I was very insecure. I have had many instances of inappropriateness from the male species. My whole life. I thought that the way to get attention was to be attractive and flirtatious.  I see now how superficial and fake I was. I do realize that sexual assault is about power and violence and not sex. But as a survivor of abuse in many forms, I think I had victim written all over my forehead.

I saw tonight that I could interact with a man in a very mature, nonsexual manner. I don't know what this man's agenda was, other than to share his enthusiastic views on life with me.

I am glad he did. And I had someone to walk me home on a cold, dark night.

And here I am at home.  Still amazed at how my day unraveled. Hopefully I will sleep tonight. And hopefully, across the country in a little town in North Carolina, the mystery of a sweet little girl's disappearance will be solved.

Talk to you tomorrow!



PS I ate clean today! And I am already down a pound!

PPS Here is today's hooping video:


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