Good Evening Friends:
As I typed the word "friends", I got a warm, soft glow somewhere deep in my chest. It's where I feel love. It's where I imagine my soul lies.
Today I reconnected with a friend. We go way back. My first job out of college is where we met. I was 22 years old. We have stayed in touch over the years, but not enough, especially once I started having children and got myself into survival mode.
One thing isolating during a pandemic has taught me is that I do need people. More than just liking on Facebook.
My friend and I met for breakfast at the same little diner that my mother and I frequent. I was on the "Vine" (a bus here in Vancouver), just entering downtown when I received a text message from her:
"I am here. Sitting at your table!"
This cracked me up. She arrived early and told the server she was meeting Zita. The server was our regular lady, who we love. She led my friend right to our regular table!
I was surprised she didn't have my teapot of hot water, mug and orange spice tea bag at my place setting. Good thing though. This morning I opted for coffee.
It was so nice to just sit and eat and visit. She had ordered some Avon for me. Avon is not really a serious business for me. It is more a way for me to connect with my female friends and family. And get discounts for my skin care.
After lunch, we walked around downtown for a bit. She gasped when we walked past an antique mall. I asked if she wanted to go in. "Yes!", shrieked.
I smiled. I remembered her love of antiques and collectables. It was a darling store, everything artfully arranged. I was just going to go in and keep her company. I am at the stage in my life where I want to minimalize. But I found some books for my granddaughter, a lovely necklace with a blue stone heart. Then I noticed my friend holding a little turtle figure. She was putting him back on the shelf, when I asked her to give him to me. I loved him instantly. And I knew I had to have him!
I told her how my counselor describes me as a "turtle" because I tell him how I will stick my neck out, but if I get hurt, I retreat back into my shell. We have been working on me thinking myself as a "confident turtle" as he says.
I had the morning off from babysitting, so in keeping with self care, I hopped on the bus to the mall. I had a lovely pedicure - I guess blue is my color today, because I chose sparkly blue polish.
Note: You can laugh at my toes. I fully expect it. My brother called them "Fred Flintstone feet" when we were kids.
The blue polish was perhaps foreshadowing the blues that descended upon me later.
After my pedicure, I went to the mall library vending machine and picked up two new books, and had a lovely little lunch.
I still had several hours until I needed to be home, so I stopped by Starbucks for an iced green tea. I glanced at the clock. It was 1:40. I still had 20 minutes in my eating window.
True confession time. I stopped at the candy store and got some chocolate caramels with sea salt, butter toffee nuts, and white chocolate haystacks. Then I found a little table and ate candy, drank iced tea and read my book.
I can't remember when I was so content. I don't know what to think with all this contentedness lately,
Who am I?
When I finally left, I called my boyfriend. He is finishing a job at a military base in Texas. It is a grim job with many frustrating issues. He vented a bit to me. Then he asked me about my day. I felt guilty telling him what an absolutely stellar day I had.
But he told me he liked hearing me happy.
However, my heart sank a bit when he told me he was so beat and one of the guys from his crew would be rooming with him in the hotel tonight, so not to expect to talk to him later after I was done babysitting.
"Call me tomorrow", he said.
"OK", I said as my heart sank further into my previously warm and glowing chest. I recognized the approach of the blues. I felt the tears just behind my eyes. But I took a breath and tried to divert the feeling. I wasn't go to make the mistake of making him feel bad, or begging and pleading for attention. I've worked on my emotions enough. But in the back of my head I heard a song. It just started playing like I had selected in on a jukebox.
"Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody..." Cat Stevens. I hummed along on the bus ride home. I used to be afraid of being alone when I was younger. When I was a teenager and young adult, being home without a date or a girlfriend to go to the discos with, especially on a Saturday night was very painful. I would sit and listen to angst filled music, Often shed tears. Eat chocolate and potato chips.
One of my favorite sad and alone songs was "All By Myself" Eric Carmen.
Somehow I survived those days. It's been a long time since I've actually felt lonely. Luckily my angst diminished today. I walked through the park. I sat a bit and read my book. Then I walked home. The minute I opened the door, the dog appeared, wagging her tail and my granddaughter yelled, "Zma!" and hurled herself at me.
I felt loved. I felt needed. And now after 4 hours of dance party (my granddaughter loves "Shake Your Booty" by KC and the Sunshine Band. I guess my disco days were not spent in vain!), and dressing up likes ghost and playing Halloween, I am content again. Ready to lay down and read my book, and listen to music.
I had an "aha" moment with my granddaughter tonight. We were playing with her toy horses. I wanted to check my email. She became very upset that I wasn't paying attention to her. She was quite tired today after spending the night with her aunties last night. But the way she carried on kind of reminded me of myself. How I feel when I want my man to pay attention to me.
Perhaps I have the emotional maturity of a 3 year-old?
Do we ever grow out of the need to be noticed?
I put my phone away and hugged my granddaughter. I pulled her on my lap and told her a story. Then I pretended to eat her toes and became a tickle monster. Then I told Alexa to play "The Monster Mash" and we dressed up as ghosts. Then I made a picture of a big, scary spider so we could scare her mom and dad when they came home.
And all is right with the world. I almost forgot to be lonely!
Well, now I've done it. I said the "L" word. I guess I"ll go to sleep listening to Eric Carmen.
At least this introvert finally realizes she does need people. Better to realize this now, before it's too late!
I send you much love and virtual hugs.
Talk to you tomorrow!
Love,
Zita
P.S. Before breakfast with my friend, I am pleased to report that I got in a good session with my hoop!
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