I had an anxiety attack on a crowded Trimet bus yesterday. I've struggled with pretty moderate to severe anxiety my whole life. As a small child, I remember a friend of my mother's looking at me oddly and then saying,"S-H-Y" in a hushed knowing tone.
I never raised my hand in the classroom. And I suffered severe stage fright. I've worked through most of it and have resigned myself to the somewhat amusing title of "socially awkward". I avoid dinner parties and most social gatherings. Unless it is family. Or if I am onstage (I have conquered stage fright, even the dreaded public speaking!)
These days my anxiety has turned to worry. Worry about my family, about the world, bills. I have found prayer, exercise and keeping active mentally and physically help.
But yesterday was kind of scary. I spent this morning laying in bed, snuggling with Honey Dog reliving yesterday to try and determine what triggered it.
Suffice it to say, I was on a crowded bus. I started feeling dizzy and nauseous. My heart started thudding in my chest. So hard I felt like everyone could hear it. I felt hot. Light-headed. But the worst symptom was negative racing thoughts. I tried breathing deeply. Closing my eyes. But I felt like I would pass out. I knew if I got off the bus, I would feel better. Breathing in the fresh air. But I didn't want to be late for my student.
Everywhere I looked, I saw what seemed like evil. I felt tension everywhere. I tried to not look at any faces. I looked out the window. But the motion of the passing cars made me more queasy. I looked at the walls and ceiling of the bus. But the words from the advertisements felt like arrows in my skull and turned my stomach.
I started to pray. But my prayers started going round and round in my head like a record on a high speed turntable. (That is probably and outdated analogy, but it is what came to mind). I looked down at my folded hands. I had bright pink gloves on. I breathed deep. Somehow the color of my gloves calmed me a bit. I swallowed to hold back my the nausea. Finally I made it to my stop and stumbled off the bus.
My head was throbbing, my stomach lurching. I didn't want to throw up right there on Cesar Chavez Blvd. I just stood there gulping the cold winter air. My heart slowed. My stomach calmed down. I found a peppermint in my purse.
And I walked to my student's house. Her lesson went as usual. The feelings had passed. But I was worried about the bus ride to chamber music rehearsal.
I sat at the bus stop, breathing deeply. When the bus pulled up, it was one of my regular drivers. A smiling, middle aged man. There were only a few other passengers on the bus. No demon faces. The ride to rehearsal was pleasant.
But this episode scared me. I talked about it with my daughter and son-in-law when I got home. He has had panic attacks. And his sister recently had one over the holidays. They recommended no caffeine. But, I argued, I drink tea everyday and several cups of coffee a week!
My daughter gave me a vial of essential oil that her sister-in-law says helped her. It has lavender in it. This morning I put some on my wrists and snuggled with the dog. For about two hours. But when I got on Facebook, my pulse started to race when I began reading the debates about gun control and President Barak Obama's executive order to increase background checks.
I want to be informed. I want to be a part of my community. But I realize I am very sensitve. Especially now with my father rehabilitating from his stroke. My father who was not very kind to me when I was little. A lot of emotion there. And then with this ice storm, feeling isolated.
So Honey Dog and I just snuggled. We call her the therapeutic dog. She lay down by my side and put her head on my knee. Then she took a deep breath and sighed. So did I. I could feel all the tension leave. My elbow even felt better! Then I got up and made a big pot of porridge and green tea with peppermint. I am making some homemade kimchi. I am also growing some alfalfa sprouts.
I lost one pound overnight. But if it was due to my anxiety attack, I will keep that pound!
I went to the gym with my daughter and had a good workout. My mother called with an update about my dad. I let it go to voicemail.
What scared me most about yesterday was feeling like I was almost on the verge of losing control. I wanted to stand up and scream.
Perhaps now that my physical health has improved, I should talk to a counselor about the anxiety.
And tomorrow I intend on starting my day with early Mass.
But for now, I am just breathing. And enjoying the clear sidewalks!
P.S. I am keeping my bottle of "Chill" in my purse in case the bus is ever an issue again. It is an essential oil blend including lavender and sage.(http://bodyworksglobal.com/it-works-catalog/it-works-essential-oils-line/)
I am also going to lay off coffee and just stick with green tea. It has some caffeine, but not as much as coffee. (http://www.livestrong.com/article/288832-caffeine-in-green-tea-vs-coffee/)
Happy Wednesday!
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