Day 249: Pre-Birthday Blues

Feeling a little under the weather today. (My autocorrect spelled "under the bus")

Hmmm... maybe it is a sign? I do feel like I have been run over by a bus today.8

I think that perhaps it is just the season. Many people get bogged down in the winter. Post holiday blues. Or for me, pre-birthday blues.

I think humans were actually mean to hibernate in the winter. Like bears, lol.

I am taking a total day off today. The day before I turn one year older. Going into my "cave". I will still exercise, pray and practice my piano. Maybe go out to lunch. Maybe a massage! But no teaching or commitments of any kind. I have been feeling overwhelmed since my father's stroke a few weeks ago.

He is actually recovering well. He is a stubborn, cranky man. He was quite abusive to my brother, my mom and I our whole childhood. But we all came together for him in the hospital. And I could tell it touched him. Deeply. He got good care in the hospital and is now on meds for depression and high blood pressure. He is a different person. Almost like a dad. I forgave him in my heart years ago. But he has never apologized. I am ok with that now. Life is about change.

I still have David Bowie's "Changes" running in the back of my brain on continuous loop mode.

I have this feeling change is coming for me too. I am feeling burnt out . Don't get me wrong, I love my students, but I have saved nothing for my future, however long that is. I spent my youth trying to find love. Never really found it. But I had kids and they took my adult life. I learned about love by being a mom. But now they are grown. Maybe I need to learn to love myself. I want to travel. See new things. Meet new people. And make more music.

Thinking about a new church pianist job. It is stable income. I need to stop living day to day.

Then again, maybe I'll win the lottery? :) Whoever does win the lottery today will definitely see some life changes. I hope for the better.

Happy Wednesday!

Z

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