Skip to main content

Year Two, Day 150: A Letter to R

Here is the letter to R I wrote early this morning. Ironically, his real name is "H". I think "R" is his player name.

Dear R:

Ok. You gave me an honest assessment of my personality yesterday.

I'd like to return the favor.

And stop this game.

And I think since I do not want to play the game anymore, perhaps I should use your real name?

H. I actually like that name.

While you have been observing me, I have been observing you.

I still have not figured you out completely.

I would like us to be friends. Not sure if this possible

Because in order for people to be true friends they have to reveal their authentic selves.

Otherwise it is just a charade. And I think we are all guilty of this. We try to put forth the person we want people to see.

Maybe we are alike in more ways than I care to admit.

I think I understand what you meant by my emotional instability. I do get hyper. My friends and family get annoyed with me. They say I don't come up for air when I get excited.

When I was younger people said I was "bubbly".

I only get like this around people I trust and care about. I think it stems from shyness. I am usually quiet, but when I let my guard down, I bubble forth. I am actually glad you pointed that out. I always want to grow and I do not want to be annoying or hurtful to others.

Getting to know you, or who you want me to see, has been a wild ride. I think you enjoy the power you have over women. You definitely have your text game down. But I want to go deeper. I am seeing that might not be possible with you.

You have several different personalities. And you are manipulative. I feel this strong attraction to some parts of you. Your game did hook me.

But it showed me there is more life in me than I realized.

I was kind of down before you came along. My bubbles had fizzled out. I was content to dive deep into my spiritual life, work and family. I spent a lot of time alone. Praying, reading, playing the piano, cooking, walking, helping people when I could.

I thought I was happy.

But then you awakened a beast in me! I do think I need to find some balance.

I need to come back down to earth. But I don't want to go back to sleep. I believe in God. But I don't think he meant for us to be alone. 

I would eventually like a man in my life to love. But for me, the love of that person comes first. I want to see the person below the exterior.

What I learned from you is that the body that houses our soul is also important. In taking better care of my body, I am nurturing my soul.

So I am going to date other men. I'm not sure if that matters to you. It does to me. I got so wrapped up in you that I felt guilty considering it. I am very monogamous.

It has been so long since I have been even interested in men. I was so overwhelmed by this powerful attraction I felt between you and I. It was like a drug.

I feel a little sad because I think deep down there is a sweet man inside of you that also wants to be loved. And that is who I want to connect with.

But I can't think of you as a love interest. Not while you are playing.

I need a man. Remember that song "I Need a Man" by the Eurythmics?

I need a man who can be my soulmate, my friend and my lover. 

And while I am putting it all on the table, you did hurt me when you said you wanted to go to the he river with me and then didn't follow through. Just like the canceled movie. It made me think you lacked integrity.

H, your game is hurtful. You use your looks and charm as lure. Perhaps to cover up your deep insecurity.

It is like you are fishing. Casting out the bait but then pulling your rod back in before you get a bite.

Anyway, bottom line is I am moving on. I have actually gotten a lot of male attention since you started working me. I think you have trained me in more ways than one! I could have a date with a different man every night if I so chose. I'm sure you have the same options.

If that bugs you, I am sorry.

I would like to be friends if we can be real. I especially enjoy working out with you.

But in total honesty, I need to find someone who can love my whole being. And be honest with me.


That felt good!

 I promised to blog about my "theory of 9" today, but I think I will wait until tomorrow. I need to go work off some of this emotional instability at the gym.

Happy Thursday!!


Popular posts from this blog

Year Four, Day 79: My Prayer Hats

January 2, 2019

At my library office.  So many thoughts. Most of which I cannot share publicly.

My son is doing well.  My family is well.  My cough has returned, but I am taking care of it. Mostly with my ginger/lemon/honey tea concoction. Heavy on the ginger, light on the honey.

I have decided I need to be nicer to myself.  Someone has to!

My New Year's Addition this year is simple: "Love myself so I can love others".

I am continuing with all of my additions from the last 8 years, which include exercise, daily bible reading and prayer, daily piano practice, random acts of kindness, healthy eating, drinking oodles of water...

I find I am less likely to fail if I just add good things into my life, rather than resolve to change.

I am not really even concerned about the weight anymore.  My appetite has been rather low. Probably because of stress, worry and this lost sense of smell thing.

I'm o.k. with it.  Everything in moderation. Oh, if I could go back in time and tea…

Year Four, Day 51: The MRI, the Boil and Me!

I am beside myself with joy! Gracie and I are strolling through the park near our home, and I noticed leaves are falling from the trees. Some of the leaves have turned a beautiful bright yellow. And a gentle rain has begun to fall. I cannot tell you how happy I am! The only thing that would add to my joy, would be if I could actually smell the new rain.

I still have no sense of smell. My taste is greatly diminished too.

I am so happy that I had that MRI yesterday. The results should be coming within a week they told me. It was actually a very interesting experience!

The most difficult part was holding still. Especially since I suddenly had the urge to cough. Violently. I shared this information with the technician. She shook her head and told me no coughing, sneezing or any kind of movement whatsoever.

"It would ruin the scan", she said somberly.

I told her perhaps I should use my inhaler. She told me that was a good idea. So I hopped off the scan machine and wen…

Year Four, Day 69: The Road to Inverness

At last I feel like talking again.

It has been a long time - over a month!

I have been sad, depressed, overwhelmed and anxious.

Such is a woman with an incarcerated loved one.

My family member in crisis. He has been in jail for one month today.

In case you haven't guessed, my FMIC (aka family member in crisis) is my son.  I have started a gofundme page for him. It is public knowledge.  

My son is doing well, considering.  In fact, I often think he is doing better emotionally, physically and spiritually than I am!

I feel like I am on a roller coaster - of the emotional kind!

Every morning my eyes fly open. My heart is usually pounding. I feel a sense of impending doom. I try to breath slowly, sip water and tell myself all is well.

But then I remember. My son is in jail. All is not well!

Although, to tell you truth, it could have been much worse.  There are many bright spots to this whole experience.

He is alive.He is clean and sober.He hasn't had a cigarette in over 30 days.He …