Year Three, Day 5: ""Just As I Am" - "Unfinished"

A bit low this morning. I did manage to walk a brisk 3/4 mile to get my morning black coffee. And a more leisurely 3/4 mile home.

I am disposing of my food log for now. I am feeling pretty confident about my eating skills.  Although yesterday afternoon through evening I was craving chocolate and potato chips, I held fast to my no food after 8 p.m., no sugar, no junk food and no dairy.  

I will post my stats every Monday. If I am stuck again with my weight, or - ACCCK! - if I gain weight, I will reinstate the food log. 

I know I need to exercise more. I sound like a broken record. But MOST tired am I! It is rainy, cold and overcast again today. Like me!

Mood was about a 3 this morning. Morning depression was thick as mud today.
(Scale of 1 to 10, 1 being extremely depressed, 10 being ecstatic.)

Things soon changed.  

There I was at my church job. Searching for a hymn for my next article for the church newsletter. Sipping black, bitter coffee, sprinkled with a bit of cinnamon. Trying to focus on work and not on the pressing gloom in the back of my skull. 

And then...

I shared two prayers via email with our prayer team. One, a sad one about a family member passing. One a prayer of thanksgiving. I prayed with both. And my heart began to expand.

You see, I have been feeling rather inept.  I was hired a few months back.  I instantly resonated with the pastor. She and I have much in common!  But the previous administrative assistant left suddenly. I had to learn quite a bit on the job. And my computer has issues. One being it is trying to kill me!

But I was determined to do my best. The hours were perfect for my schedule.  And it being a church, I could spread the positive love of Christ to all I met!

But shortly after I was hired, I thought perhaps I was not the right person for this job. My strengths are creativity and compassion. I have a good work ethic. But I am not necessarily meticulous or methodical.  I like to get what needs to get done quickly so I can focus on creating and being kind to everyone I meet.

But my boss assured me I was the person she wanted to work with.  

And today, I am feeling like maybe I was meant to be here. I believe in God. And I have lived the power of prayer.  I think being on one end of the prayer chain also brought me a blessing today!

And then...

I was thumbing through my book (Great Songs of Faith, 365 Devotions Based on Popular Hymns, Complied and written by Robert K. Brown and Mark R. Norton).

On June 18th, I stopped.  One of my favorite hymns. I remembered my first job as a church musician. When we sang this hymn, my arms broke out in goosebumps and I nearly burst into tears.  

I am kind of dork that way.  It is especially embarrassing when I moved to tears by my own piano playing!

But as I read the history of the writing of this hymn, here came the goosebumps! The author, Charlotte Elliott suffered from depression.  Now the words of the hymn resonate with me even more.

Just As I Am

by Charlotte Elliott (1789-1871)

"Just as I am, without one plea,

But that Thy blood was shed for me,

And that Thou bidd'st me come to Thee,

O Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am, and waiting not

To rid my soul of one dark blot,

To Thee, whose blood can cleanse each spot,

O Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am, tho' tossed about

With many a conflict, many a doubt,

Fightings within, and fears without,

O Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind,

Sight, riches, healing of the mind,

Yea, all I need, in Thee to find,

O Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am, Thou wilt receive,

Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;

Because Thy promise I believe,

O Lamb of God I come! I Come!

Just as I am, Thy love unknown

Hath broken ev'ry barrier down;

Now to be Thine, yea Thine alone,

O Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am, of that free love

The breadth, length, depth, the height to prove,

Here for a season then above,

O Lamb of God I come! I come!

And to heighten my goosebumps even further, the song "Unfinished", sung by Mandisa came on the radio station K-Love (my station of choice at work and for my works).

Unfinished

"Not scared to say it

I used to be the one

Preaching it to you

That you could overcome

I still believe it

But it ain't easy

‘Cause that world I painted

Where things just all work out

It started changing

And I started having doubts

And it got me so down

But I picked myself back up

And I started telling me

No, my God's not done

Making me a masterpiece

He's still working on me

He started something good

And I'm gonna believe it

He started something good

And He's gonna complete it

So I'll celebrate the truth

His work in me ain't through

I'm just unfinished

I know His history

And the kind of God He is 

He might make it a mystery

But He's proven I can trust in Him

And yeah, I believe it 

Still working 

Still, still working on me 

He's still working 

Still, still working on me"

Publishing: Ariose Music / 9t One Songs (Admin. at CapitolCMGPublishing.com) / Colby Wedgeworth Music / Fair Trade Publishing (ASCAP) (Admin. by Music Services)

Writer(s): Ben Glover and Colby Wedgeworth

Super Mom, circa 1993!

One of my friends shared the above picture on Facebook last year. It was taken when my daughter was 3 years old and my son was 1. So this was about 1993.  It was a baby shower for our friend. I did not even remember this picture.

It warmed my heart because we all look so happy. And I was slender! Probably from chasing after 2 toddlers! It is funny how memory can play tricks on us. Especially in the midst of depression.  It is so nice to see us full of smiles and love. And when I think clearly, there were MANY happy times. 

Today, in my prayer journal I vowed to experience joy.  To seek it every day.  Sometimes it will be like pulling myself up out of quicksand. But when I break free, it is worth it.

And as I've said before, if I can help someone, pray for someone, make someone smile, then my joy increases as well.

It is now 9:42 p.m. 

Current Mood:  7.

I am going to finish this blog, knit a bit while listening to some music and then go to bed early.  I hear we have warmer weather in the forecast. I want to take advantage of it and start running early morning at the track.  

I may sound like a broken record, but if that is what it takes to make running a healthy habit in my life, so be it!

On that note - Happy Wednesday!

Talk to you tomorrow!

Love,

Zita :)