Skip to main content

Year Three, Day 5: ""Just As I Am" - "Unfinished"

A bit low this morning. I did manage to walk a brisk 3/4 mile to get my morning black coffee. And a more leisurely 3/4 mile home.

I am disposing of my food log for now. I am feeling pretty confident about my eating skills.  Although yesterday afternoon through evening I was craving chocolate and potato chips, I held fast to my no food after 8 p.m., no sugar, no junk food and no dairy.  

I will post my stats every Monday. If I am stuck again with my weight, or - ACCCK! - if I gain weight, I will reinstate the food log. 

I know I need to exercise more. I sound like a broken record. But MOST tired am I! It is rainy, cold and overcast again today. Like me!

Mood was about a 3 this morning. Morning depression was thick as mud today.
(Scale of 1 to 10, 1 being extremely depressed, 10 being ecstatic.)

Things soon changed.  

There I was at my church job. Searching for a hymn for my next article for the church newsletter. Sipping black, bitter coffee, sprinkled with a bit of cinnamon. Trying to focus on work and not on the pressing gloom in the back of my skull. 

And then...

I shared two prayers via email with our prayer team. One, a sad one about a family member passing. One a prayer of thanksgiving. I prayed with both. And my heart began to expand.

You see, I have been feeling rather inept.  I was hired a few months back.  I instantly resonated with the pastor. She and I have much in common!  But the previous administrative assistant left suddenly. I had to learn quite a bit on the job. And my computer has issues. One being it is trying to kill me!

But I was determined to do my best. The hours were perfect for my schedule.  And it being a church, I could spread the positive love of Christ to all I met!
But shortly after I was hired, I thought perhaps I was not the right person for this job. My strengths are creativity and compassion. I have a good work ethic. But I am not necessarily meticulous or methodical.  I like to get what needs to get done quickly so I can focus on creating and being kind to everyone I meet.

But my boss assured me I was the person she wanted to work with.  

And today, I am feeling like maybe I was meant to be here. I believe in God. And I have lived the power of prayer.  I think being on one end of the prayer chain also brought me a blessing today!

And then...

I was thumbing through my book (Great Songs of Faith, 365 Devotions Based on Popular Hymns, Complied and written by Robert K. Brown and Mark R. Norton).

On June 18th, I stopped.  One of my favorite hymns. I remembered my first job as a church musician. When we sang this hymn, my arms broke out in goosebumps and I nearly burst into tears.  

I am kind of dork that way.  It is especially embarrassing when I moved to tears by my own piano playing!

But as I read the history of the writing of this hymn, here came the goosebumps! The author, Charlotte Elliott suffered from depression.  Now the words of the hymn resonate with me even more.

Just As I Am
by Charlotte Elliott (1789-1871)

"Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bidd'st me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am, and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To Thee, whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am, tho' tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings within, and fears without,
O Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind,
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need, in Thee to find,
O Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am, Thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because Thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God I come! I Come!

Just as I am, Thy love unknown
Hath broken ev'ry barrier down;
Now to be Thine, yea Thine alone,
O Lamb of God I come! I come!

Just as I am, of that free love
The breadth, length, depth, the height to prove,
Here for a season then above,
O Lamb of God I come! I come!

And to heighten my goosebumps even further, the song "Unfinished", sung by Mandisa came on the radio station K-Love (my station of choice at work and for my works).

"Not scared to say it
I used to be the one
Preaching it to you
That you could overcome
I still believe it
But it ain't easy

‘Cause that world I painted
Where things just all work out
It started changing
And I started having doubts
And it got me so down

But I picked myself back up
And I started telling me
No, my God's not done
Making me a masterpiece
He's still working on me

He started something good
And I'm gonna believe it
He started something good
And He's gonna complete it
So I'll celebrate the truth
His work in me ain't through
I'm just unfinished

I know His history
And the kind of God He is 
He might make it a mystery
But He's proven I can trust in Him
And yeah, I believe it 

Still working 
Still, still working on me 
He's still working 
Still, still working on me"

Publishing: Ariose Music / 9t One Songs (Admin. at / Colby Wedgeworth Music / Fair Trade Publishing (ASCAP) (Admin. by Music Services)

Writer(s): Ben Glover and Colby Wedgeworth

Super Mom, circa 1993!

One of my friends shared the above picture on Facebook last year. It was taken when my daughter was 3 years old and my son was 1. So this was about 1993.  It was a baby shower for our friend. I did not even remember this picture.

It warmed my heart because we all look so happy. And I was slender! Probably from chasing after 2 toddlers! It is funny how memory can play tricks on us. Especially in the midst of depression.  It is so nice to see us full of smiles and love. And when I think clearly, there were MANY happy times. 

Today, in my prayer journal I vowed to experience joy.  To seek it every day.  Sometimes it will be like pulling myself up out of quicksand. But when I break free, it is worth it.

And as I've said before, if I can help someone, pray for someone, make someone smile, then my joy increases as well.

It is now 9:42 p.m. 

Current Mood:  7.

I am going to finish this blog, knit a bit while listening to some music and then go to bed early.  I hear we have warmer weather in the forecast. I want to take advantage of it and start running early morning at the track.  

I may sound like a broken record, but if that is what it takes to make running a healthy habit in my life, so be it!

On that note - Happy Wednesday!

Talk to you tomorrow!


Zita :) 


Popular posts from this blog

Year Three, Day 236: Memories of Food

Well, I ALMOST got on the treadmill today!

I planned on it. I actually had a very productive morning. I woke up super early, but it was cold and I knew I would be exhausted if I actually got vertical at 4:47 a.m. So I stayed in bed and checked emails, and played a few games of Words with Friends.

I drifted off again, and finally got out of bed at 9:30.  I did my prayer, journaling, bible study and reading from my Joyce Meyer Book. (The Mind Connection). I have only one more chapter to read and I am finished with the book! At which point, I plan on going back to the beginning and rereading the whole thing. It is that good!

I did my morning hoop. It was a crisp, cold morning, but no wind. I had a good workout. Then I practiced a bit of piano and did some piano lesson planning for my students.

I had planned on grabbing a quick lunch and then hopping on the Max to the gym where I would hop on the treadmill, hop in the jacuzzi and then grab a quick shower before my students.

The bus that g…

Year Three, Day 261: The Belligerent Man, The Bus Driver, and the Woman in a Poncho

I just had a most entertaining bus ride!

I had just gotten of the Max at the Hollywood Transit Center. I was coming down the steps, when I saw the #75 to Milwaukie entering the parking lot. That was my transfer bus!  I didn't want to miss it, because at this time of day, it might be a 20 minute wait until the next one.

I had just come from a lovely sushi lunch with  my daughter and Baby Gracie at Cascades Station.

The plan was for me to teach my piano students and then return to Vancouver tonight. My daughter has much work to do at home and we all know that working at home with a 5 month old baby is a bit of an oxymoron!

Anyway, I hurried down the stairs, being very mindful. The steps were slippery in the Portland drizzle. Slipping and falling would kind of put a cramp in my day.

I slowed down when I noticed there was a long line of passengers waiting to board. At the end of the line was an older, distinguished looking gentleman.  He was wearing a long overcoat and hat.  He nodded…

Year Three, Day 225: Hallelujah

I am sitting alone at a Starbucks in Vancouver, Washington. A most moving rendition of Hallelujah, sung by Pentatonix is flowing through the speakers, and into my heart.

I can't remember ever feeling so content. Soon I will walk out into the snow and catch a bus to my daughter's house where she, her husband and Baby Gracie are getting ready for dinner.

Our traditional Christmas Eve pho was cancelled. So was the candlelight service at their church.

Snow on Christmas Eve! So lovely. And so wonderful that I have been given this gift of solitude. No place I need to be, but family who I love and who loves me, always welcoming each other.

Salmon encrusted with herbs at McGraths Fish House We started a new tradition yesterday after my homeless concert. Girl lunch at McGraths Fish House with my daughter, Baby Gracie, my mother and I. We had a wonderful time. It's my mother's favorite lunch spot in Vancouver. I followed her lead and ordered the salmon encrusted with herbs. It d…